


Alarm Clock - Ereri/Riren

by selenygorl2



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Art, Bottom Levi, Dom/sub, Eating Disorders, Emotional Baggage, Eremin Week, Eren Yeager Has a Manbun, Ereri Fluff Day, Ereri Week, F/F, F/M, Fluff and Angst, Fluff and Smut, Gay, Gay Panic, Hospitals, Internalized Homophobia, JeanMarco Week, M/M, Men Crying, Modern Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan, Multi, Panic Attacks, Past Relationship(s), Riren Week, Self-Discovery, Sex, Slow Burn, Trauma
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-25
Updated: 2021-03-01
Packaged: 2021-03-16 15:07:15
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Rape/Non-Con, Underage
Chapters: 39
Words: 84,584
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29702406
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/selenygorl2/pseuds/selenygorl2
Summary: Eren Jaeger struggles to move on from the events of his past, 5 years ago. Though his life is relatively happy at the moment during the beginning of his senior year, he is forced to confront and open wounds he thought he had closed for good, when he develops a complicated relationship with the ex-boyfriend of the girl who played a part in ruining his life, Levi Ackerman.***This book is completed!
Relationships: Armin Arlert/Eren Yeager, Levi Ackerman & Eren Yeager, Levi Ackerman/Eren Yeager, Levi Ackerman/Petra Ral, Levi/Eren, Marco Bott/Jean Kirstein, Mikasa Ackerman/Annie Leonhart, Sasha Blouse/Connie Springer
Comments: 6
Kudos: 27





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Hello! Just a few disclaimers before you read.
> 
> These characters are all rightfully owned by the creator of the Attack on Titan Manga, Hanjime Isayama. 
> 
> This is an Ereri (Eren x Levi) fan-fiction, but please do not send hate even if you do not agree with the ship. I don't really ship their characters in the show due to the age gap. However, I do believe these characters to be compatible personality wise and I thought it would be fun to write a modern AU where they are the same age and could possibly be together. If this does well, I will be working on other stories with ships that are canon such as, Eremin (Eren x Armin), Eruri (Erwin x Levi). But as for my non-canon ships, Ereri is my favourite. 
> 
> This story contains many queer relationships so if you are uncomfortable with any of that, I suggest you take your business elsewhere.
> 
> This is mostly fluff with some smut but trust me when I say I'm not that great at writing it, but I did try my best.
> 
> I would also like to add a huge TRIGGER WARNING for this book contains:
> 
> -underage drinking
> 
> -underage use of legal drugs and substance
> 
> -frequent swearing and cursing
> 
> -sexual content
> 
> -foster care
> 
> -One small reference to cancer
> 
> -mental illness such as panic, eating and sleep disorders and well as depressive episodes
> 
> -and implied themes of sexual assault
> 
> ***
> 
> I urge you not to read if you are below the age of 14 -15 years old or struggle with any of the listed warnings. I would also like to clarify that I am not an expert in some of the issues some of the characters face so there might be some inaccuracies.
> 
> All in all I hope you enjoy my book! I'm currently working on releasing all the chapter since it is already completed so just bare with me. 
> 
> I've put lots of effort into making this worth reading and I hope you stick around. But no pressure ;)
> 
> -The author of this book <3

The past is a strange thing. Even though it's already happened, you somehow can't stop reliving it. It comes back without warning too and sometimes it can be impossible to not hear that constant ringing in your head. It's like a wakeup call, reminding you that you can't just move on. Almost like an alarm clock. Literally.

BEEP! BEEP! BEEP!

This was the third time I had hit the snooze button which meant I had about 10 minutes before my next class started. Mikasa, my sister, (well, adopted sister), had tried waking me up before a decent amount of times. But as usual, she gave up around 8:00 and headed out to school so she wouldn't be late herself.

I let out a loud groan, squeezing my pillow tightly against my face. I started counting backwards from three and on the third count I abruptly got up and rushed toward my dresser. Usually counting backwards added a bit of pressure on myself to get whatever I was procrastinating out of the way. I had thrown on whatever I could find. It probably wasn't the best decision considering the weather New York could have around this time. It was September, and it was rather chilly. Leaves were still pretty green with little hues of yellow and little by little, you could feel the winter air preparing to settle in. It was the third day of school and I still had one class I hadn't started yet. But me being a senior, I was well aware of who was teaching it and I dreaded just acknowledging it with every fiber of my being. But I didn't have time to complain about that right now. It didn't matter how early I had gone to bed the previous night, I would always miss my bed hence my current dilemma of not being able to get to school without being scolded by my teachers for being late. I rolled my eyes at that thought.

The name's Eren Jaeger. I'm pretty much just your average 17 year old dude. I had always taken pride in my name. "Jaeger" is German for "hunter". It makes me feel strong and capable. Those were things I was learning to be able to feel like again. Although Eren isn't that much of an interesting name, I always thought it suited me and I had never met anyone else with that name so I always felt special in a sense when I introduced myself to others. I'm a pretty social guy. I have lots of friends and I'm pretty popular around school. I've been described as charismatic and charming but when it comes down to it, most people just call me a fuckboy. It's annoying really but I try my best to kind of ignore it. I really don't know what the hell I'm doing and I'm just navigating high school the way I think I should in order to survive. 

I have really amazing friends and a family that loves me. I guess I could say one bad thing about my life was that I got some pretty shit grades. I was barely passing any of the courses. I mean quite literally that I was on the cusp of failure. But I didn't really care. School had never been my thing and I thought I'd just wing it once I graduated. I had a few backups anyways.

I love music. Everything about it. In my room were posters of my favourite bands and some of my favourite old artists that dated from the late 1500s to the 1970s. I had started out as a classical pianist when I was just three years old and became pretty successful in the competitive scene by the time I was around twelve. I was deemed a genius by some fancy people with a check-board and a pen but I never thought I was that skilled. After a few unfortunate events, I had to abandon the piano so I picked up a guitar instead and learned that I had a pretty good voice too. Music is where I was going in life. That's what kept me grounded. I hated school and knew I could drop out at any moment, but I at least wanted to get my GED. I had to accomplish something that wouldn't disappoint my parents. It was the least I could do for them. They were worried enough as it was knowing their son would be some weird struggling musician.

I checked my watch: 8:23 AM. Shit. My eyes widened and I let out a little shriek before I snatched my half opened backpack from beside my desk, stumbled down the hardwood stairs and quickly slipped on my dark green converse, leaving them untied.

Just as I reached for the doorknob I cringed at the voice of Mom who was cleaning the kitchen.

"Tie your shoes Eren!" she yelled. How did she even know I hadn't done up my laces?

"I don't really have time for that mom!" I replied in a slightly annoyed tone.

"Eren, do as I say and watch your tone liebchen!" she added. God I hated when she called me that. It was german for "darling" or "sweetheart". She barely treated me like an adult. To be fair, I could be quite childish at times, but I still had a driver's license so she could at least give me a bit of credit. We were originally from Germany, hence her calling me a german pet name, but we moved to New York a few years ago after my dad accepted a job. He was a surgeon and he was in pretty high demand so it was easy, but we were moving for other reasons as well. I was glad I got the opportunity since some pretty bad shit was happening at the time.

"Shit shit shit shit shit" I muttered to myself as I ran down the sidewalk on my usual route to school.

Luckily, school wasn't too far of a walking distance. I only had a good 2 minutes before my first class started. I believe it was Math. With that thought, I rolled my eyes so far back it might have reached my ass. Like I said before, I hated that teacher with a burning passion. After running a few hundred meters, I arrived at the school, filled out a lateslip while charming the secretary so it wouldn't be too awkward, and rushed down the hall to my designated classroom.

'Let's just get this over with' I thought to myself.


	2. Chapter 2

I was so out of breath at this point. Mr. Bozad, the dictionary definition of an ulcer, was giving me a nasty glare as I held onto the door frame attempting to catch my breath. God he gave me such a headache. He might be the math teacher but he was dumbfounded enough to constantly bite his tongue when he was speaking. At least that entertained me. Seeing him stumble on his words as he bleed out. I longed for the day he would bite down too hard by accident. Too dark?

"Mr. Jaeger, exactly what is your excuse for showing up to my class 10 minutes late so early into the school year?" he said with that obnoxious tone of his. It was so difficult not to roll my eyes. I gritted my teeth slightly and looked toward the side so he wouldn't see how utterly repulsed I looked.

"Sorry, overslept'' I replied coldly.

"Take your seat in the back over there in the back". I looked over to the spot where Mr. Bozad was pointing to see a boy with shiny black hair, face buried in his forearms on the top of his desk beside an empty seat. Was he sleeping? No he couldn't have been, he was shuffling around and his foot was rapidly bouncing under the table. I made my way over to the back as I tried to squeeze my way through the other desks.

"Alright class. Welcome to grade 12 Math. We're starting with trigonometry so open your textbooks to page 53. " the teacher continued. God, what a bore. Shapes and angles really made me want to throw myself off of a bridge. He went on with the lesson for what seemed like an eternity before finally assigning us some homework and giving us a 30 minutes work period. The class had broken out into a chatter as people started talking to the people beside them in an effort to get to know one another considering this was the first day in this class after all. I was relieved to see that my friends, Jean and Marco were in this class. Jean has ashy brown hair and is around the same height as I am. We get told we look a like a lot but I honestly don't see it. We were way different and the way we would get compared so often ended up being one of the reasons I decided to grow my hair out. Well one of two reasons but the other isn't really important right now. Marco was a cute, but ironically buff guy with dark hair, little freckles and an innocent smile. He was the twink of our friend group. He always wore warm sweaters and despite how innocent he looked, Jean tended to bring out a side of him that no one liked. They sat a few desks in front of me so I could maybe talk to them once in a while to pass the time. But, once you put Jean and Marco together, you can't really get their full attention without getting interrupted by them giggling and touching each other.

"Hey Eren!" called out Jean tauntingly. I quickly jerked my head up from my phone to look at him. Marco had one hand on the latter's thigh. It made me roll my eyes slightly. "Guess we all have a class together then hippie boy." He continued with a smirk. He called me a hippie because of my longer hair that I usually wore in a short ponytail. For some reason, he saw that reason enough to associate me with the flower power movement. I didn't take it personally though. I knew he was just teasing. Me and Jean were actually pretty close but we had this weird dynamic where we would always insult each other. Makes life a bit less boring if you ask me.

"I guess we do horse face.'' I replied. We both laughed before he turned around to kiss Marco on the cheek as they both blushed as they ran their hand up each other's shirts. This was the side of Marco nobody liked. God can they just get a room? Marco was generally very different from Jean, but their personalities complement each other weirdly. Jean was the kind of guy that you either hated or loved. He had a sort of cocky way of speaking but you had to get to know him to know that it was mostly ironic and he could be really sincere most of the time. He was super annoying to some people while others seemed to find him really fun to hang around. Him and Marco were cute together though, I'll admit it.

The guy beside me had lifted his head by now and was diligently working on the textbook questions assigned. He put his pen in between his teeth whenever he would pause to think about a question and he was lightly tapping his foot to whatever was playing in his headphones. He wore this stone cold look on his face and showed no emotion. I couldn't tell if he enjoyed the class and liked math, or if he was dreading it as much as the rest of us and getting all the homework over and done with. Because I had such a difficult time reading him, and I didn't have enough information to figure out what kind of person he would enjoy hanging out with, I decided to leave him be for today. He didn't seem like he wanted to talk to anyone right now. Perhaps he was in a bad mood.

"Eren? Have you seen Annie around?" Asked Marco, causing me to turn my attention back to him.

"Annie got the flu. Her diabetes makes it so that she won't be back for a while." I replied.

"And what about Mikasa, Armin, Connie Sasha? I didn't see them around their lockers this morning." he said furrowing in his eyebrows, showing a bit of concern.

"Oh. Mikasa is president of the debate club so she got excused from class to go prepare the new freshmen's 'initiation' " I mocked in a Mikasa like tone, earning a bit of a chuckle from both Jean and Marco. "Connie and Sasha are on a roadtrip and Armin got caught up in some international interviews for university. Pretty sure he's in London."

"Shit. Armin was supposed to help me with homework this year. My mom's been breathing down my neck about good grades." cried out Jean slamming his fists on his desk. He was so dramatic. I then heard a noise come from beside me: "Tch!" I looked over and assumed that it came from the guy who was sitting next to me. He was still focused on the assignment but he looked slightly more agitated.

"It's ok babe. I'll do my best to help you until he's back." said Marco bringing his hand to Jean's cheek and smiling sweetly.

"You'd do that for me babe?" Jean said now rubbing his hands on Marco's thighs.

"Anything for you babe." He replied as they both began itching closer to each other's lips.

"I love you."

"I love you." They were now aggressively making out with their arms wrapped around each other.

"Mr. Kirschtein! Mr. Bodt! That's detention for two weeks if you don't stop this instant!" Yelled Mr. Bozad. They pulled away and both pouted a bit.

"Disgusting." said a quiet voice from beside me. I looked over again and saw the dark haired boy glaring at Jean and Marco with his eyebrows arched into a look of disgust. I figured that now was the time I could try and maybe befriend him. He seemed to be a very judgemental person and at least I knew a few things about him: he probably disliked Jean and found PDA repulsive. So I'd have to be the opposite of Jean and maybe a bit more composed when I spoke to him, maybe add in some playfullness. Here goes nothing.

"Well you sure have a lot of opinions for someone who doesn't talk all that much." I said. He didn't move his head but his eyes shifted to look at me. He could have any reaction at this point. And if he didn't react well and get along with me immediately, I'd have more of an idea about the kind of people he doesn't like. This was usually how I approached talking to anyone new in the school. I wanted them to like me so I would just adjust my behaviour slightly so they would be content. He then shrugged his shoulders and reverted his gaze back to his textbook, chewing on his pen and continuing working. Well that went well.

I decided I would stop trying for today. I just stared at the clock like a mindless zombie for the next 15 minutes and counted down the minutes to my next class. I couldn't stand to hear Mr. Bozad's unfortunate excuse of a voice combined with being forced to look ahead at Jean and Marco molesting each other. I was also a bit let down that my predictions about the kid beside me didn't ring true in the end. Maybe I had misread certain things. Well I could try again tomorrow. The rest of the day went by as regularly as school days go by. I usually eat lunch with my friends but today, they were unfortunately just Jean and Marco so I lost my appetite. I decided to just make the rounds around the cafeteria and say hi to a few groups I had acquainted myself with. I greeted a few cheerleaders and members of the girls volleyball team first. They tended to like me a bit more when I was flirtatious and they would often give me their numbers. It did get quite annoying but I took them and said I would call later. I dropped by to a few friend groups that had people with various interests I had met in clubs and some of my classes. I even said hi to the basketball team that had just finished today's tryouts and they seemed to be pretty keen on me joining. But I always refused. I just didn't have the time and that's the honest truth. I also hated sports. I continued on with the rest of my classes in pure boredom. All I usually really did in class was write down melodies in my notebook and figure out whether I wanted to turn them into a song or not. The day seemed long, but it finally came to an end and I found myself walking home with Mikasa as I did every afternoon.

"We missed you today at lunch." I said beside her with my hands in the pockets of my hoodie.

"I'm sure you did the whole 'Eren Jaeger' thing and managed to survive." she said chuckling a bit, her face buried in her red scarf.

"What's the whole 'Eren Jaeger' thing?" I had no idea what she was referring to.

"You know. Flirting with people, getting along with everyone and fist bumping people in the hallway like a jock from an early 2000s highschool movie. That's what you do when you have no one to talk to." She continued.

"Well I wasn't gonna watch Jean and Marco the entire time." We both laughed at that.

"Hey when is Zeke coming back again?" she asked. Zeke was my half brother on my father's side. He was in Sweden studying to be a surgeon.

"He said he's back for Christmas but we both know how that's gonna go." I said. He usually said he'd come back for all the major holidays since it was quite complicated to travel from Sweden to New York frequently. The truth is that I actually hadn't seen him in 2 whole years and he always cancelled on the last minute. I missed him, but I couldn't help but resent how he never cared to come over anymore let alone call me. Him and I were actually really close in my childhood, so it was difficult to just drift apart like that. Oh well. I'm over it and I'm done making efforts. He was apparently willing to let a stupid fight with dad get in between our relationship, so I'm done. I'm not even bothered by it anymore.

Soon enough, we found ourselves at our doorstep. I opened the door and took in the smell of whatever was cooking on the stove.

"Mikasa, Eren, come help me in the kitchen." I heard my mother's voice from down the hall. She usually asked for help cooking after we got home from school and while we waited for dad to get home from work. She was very passionate about cooking and had lots of time on her hands so it was always these extravagant meals that took hours upon hours. I didn't mind cooking either so it was nice having that time to spend with her.

"I heard you started math class today liebchen. Were you keeping up ok?" asked my mother while she went around the table serving everyone salad.

"Yeah, as much as I could." I mumbled, leaning my head in the palm of my hand while playing with my fork. I had lied of course. I didn't give two fucks about how well I did in that class or in any class for that matter. As long as I was passing, I'd be ok.

"What about you Mikasa, did everything go well with the debate club?" My dad asked from behind the kitchen counter, pouring three glasses of wine. My parents were pretty liberal with alcohol and had let me and Mikasa start having a glass of wine every once in a while when we started highschool. But I had stopped drinking all together after a bad experience. I feared I wouldn't be able to control myself even if I had the tiniest sip. It was a bit of a paranoia thing at this point but I couldn't really help it, or forgive myself for what went down after.

"Ugh, I swear to god we haven't had any decent new members since freshman year." she said, rolling her eyes a bit and slouching in her chair.

"You're only saying that cause that's when you joined Mika." I added, receiving a cold glare afterward. I then smiled a cheeky fake smile and began eating.

"Well Eren, me and your mother were discussing your grades from last year and have decided that we will buy you that new guitar you were asking for if you can get them up and keep them up this year." Said my dad, sitting himself in the chair across from my mother.

"For real!?" I exclaimed. The guitar they were talking about was 5000 dollars and I had been trying to save up but I always had to spend the money on something else at the end of the day.

"Yes liebchen, but for that to happen you have to get all your courses to at least a B." She said touching my hand and looking at me in my eyes.

"So I get straight As and I get nothing?" Mikasa muttered under her breath.

"Not everyone's a supergenius like you Mika!" I said frustratedly.

"You're smart too Eren, you just don't care!" she yelled, dropping her fork on her plate to point at me with her finger.

"Am not!"

"Are too!"

"Am not!"

"Are too!"

"Eren and Mikasa! I have endured the years you were both toddlers! I will not do it again! Please act your age!" My mother snapped, smashing her fists into the table. "And Eren, are you seriously trying to convince Mikasa that you're stupid?!" she added. I went quiet and crossed my arms over my chest, pouting like a toddler and childishly accepting my defeat. Mikasa then smirked at me and mouthed the words 'I win' before I stuck my tongue out at her.

"So it's settled then." My dad said with conviction. "Eren, you will get the guitar if you get your grades up this entire year. And if you don't, since Mikasa here seems to have such an affinity for bossing you around, you'll do the summer debate program under her direction." He said, continuing to chew on his food, looking down at his plate while cutting up a piece of meat.

"Dad no!" we both shouted simultaneously.

"Eren's gonna screw up everything! We're sure to lose! He doesn't know the first thing about debate!" Mikasa whined.

"Then he better get his act together. And if he doesn't, then you'll just have to teach him." he said unbothered.

"I don't wanna be in stupid debate club! Especially not in the summer! I'm busy enough as it is with music stuff!" I shouted.

"Listen to your father! I swear I've had more mature conversations with the neighbour's kid. He's 9 by the way." snapped my mother once again.

"Whatever, I'm going upstairs. I have shit to do. " I mumbled scooting out of my chair and picking up my plate to bring out the kitchen counter.

"Language!" my mother scolded.

"Sorry. Goodnight guys." I waved and jogged up the stairs.

Since my parent's made that semi threat semi proposal, I actually decided to finish the homework assigned to me. I was having a bit of trouble at first but that was only because I hadn't paid too much attention during the lecture. I eventually figured it out. It surprisingly only took me about 30 minutes, but as I was working, I caught myself chewing on my pen. That was a habit I had never really picked up before and I found myself reminded of that boy who frequently rolled his eyes and scoffed in my math class. I then felt a tiny smile curl up on my face. It's not like he was particularly friendly at all, but I did find it amusing how annoyed he was at Jean and Marco. Usually people weren't that expressive about it.

After I finished my homework. I watched random shows on my computer screen for 4 hours. My eyes felt dry, and it was beginning to approach 2 in the morning. I was so tired and I know that if I looked away from that screen, I'd instantly fall asleep. But I didn't want to. It was another bad habit I had. The idea of falling asleep really scared me. It was the state where I was most likely to be taken advantage of, similar to a drunken state. It was another paranoia thing I had but I couldn't really do anything about it. Eventually, my brain couldn't fight my body anymore and I would just completely pass out though. I never dream, and I wake up everyday ready to endure another day of the prison cell disguised as what we all call school.


	3. Chapter 3

"Eren, wake up." Mikasa said, nudging me. I ignored her. "Eren, you've had three lates and it's only the fourth day of school. You're gonna get detention if you keep it up." She continued nudging more aggressively. I ignored her again. "Alright then, I'm telling mom and dad that you-"

"Fine fine fine I'm up." I said groggily, shooting up from my bed and stretching. I didn't know what she was threatening to tell my parents but I knew i'd be in trouble so I didn't bother finding out. I dragged my feet to the shower seeing as I had more time to get ready today thanks to her. My hair was getting a bit greasy anyways. I began undressing and as I was doing so, I noticed that the body I had worked hard to get over the summer was slowly fading. "Shit" I whispered to myself as I touched my torso in disbelief. I really need to lay off the junk food. I also hadn't been able to go to the gym in a while but the very idea of that place depressed me a bit. I knew I wasn't an unattractive person, but every time I looked in the mirror, something felt off. I felt like my body wasn't really mine and that I was watching another person and living inside their body. That's why I really liked to look my best, because I felt like I owed this person. If I was gonna live inside their body, I might as well make sure they're presentable. That sounds crazy though right? I hopped in the shower and exhaled peacefully from the feeling of hot water hitting my back. It felt nice in my hair too. I was less stressed out as I got ready too, since I wasn't in such a hurry.

"Eren?" Mikasa said as we both walked along the pathway to school.

"What's up Mika?" I replied casually. She paused for a moment.

"Nevermind." she said, still looking ahead.

"Alright." I usually knew not to try and get an answer out of Mikasa whenever she demonstrated this odd behaviour. I knew that if it was bothering her that much she'd eventually let it out.

That walk was all too short because I once again found myself in Mr. Bozad's hellish classroom, beside the black haired boy with his face in his forearms. I had no interest in Jean and Marco right now. In fact, I was feeling a bit nauseous prior so I don't think I'd be able to stomach seeing them suck the life out of each other this morning. I had actually paid attention through this lecture. And when I was the most focused, I noticed Mr. Bozad make eye contact with me, and look taken aback at how focused I was. Turns out that trigonometry isn't as difficult as they say it is. And this was the last lesson for that unit which meant that we would be doing easy shit like graphing next. For once, it seemed like I was actually gonna pass the test. Hello new guitar. When the work period started, I figured that now was the time to give this kid another shot. Maybe a more pessimistic take?

"Ugh. This class is so boring." I said, slightly looking off to the side clearly addressing him. This was an attempt to try and get him to state his opinion on the class and maybe start a conversation. I leaned in my chair a bit to give myself a more laidback energy. He, who was working away at his textbook, turned to face me, his pen still in his mouth. He looked me up and down and scoffed.

"You seemed to be pretty invested a few minutes ago." he said without an emotion detected in his voice.

"I- uh. I was just-" I stammered. I was trying to find an excuse for the behaviour I wasn't aware he was observing.

"Yeah. That's what I thought." he said, turning back to his desk and continuing to chip away at the questions in the textbook. This wasn't going well. By now my face was hot from embarrassment and it was startling how he had been able to figure me so accurately just as I was trying to him.

That encounter really ruined the rest of my day. It usually never took me this long to figure out someone. By now, if I had put that much effort in, we would basically be considered best friends. Luckily, I had a valid distraction though and I could work on my homework instead of obsessing over him. Now that my new guitar depended on me getting Bs in all my classes, I was diligently paying attention and making sure I was understanding everything. From writing notes, to asking questions and sometimes even finishing the homework in class. This was really out of character for me. Hopefully I wouldn't become as stuck up as Mika though. It was astonishing how greatly I overestimated the level of difficulty grade 12 was at. I could also see the level of shock on the teacher's faces when they would call me out for me to answer the question on the board and I would actually get it right. Let's just say they weren't really accustomed to 'good student Eren'. The day felt a lot shorter than it usually did now that my time wasn't spent staring at a clock.

"Mom, Dad, I got an B+ on my physics lab." I said enthusiastically while drying the dishes.

"That's fantastic Eren. You see what happens when he has a little motivation Grisha." She said grabbing my cheeks and kissing me an annoying amount of times.

"Well done son. Now keep that energy." My father said passing a broom across the kitchen floor.

"I told you you were smart. Dumbass." Mikasa said, hitting me on the arm.

"You do understand the irony of what you just said right?"

"Stop being smart. I don't like it anymore."

Days began melding together and continued like this for a good while. The boy next to me just ignored and scoffed at me while I tried new ways to appeal to him. But he never bought it. He was not having any of what I was serving and I was stumped. I should give up. I should just stop trying to suck up to a guy who clearly has no interest or motivations to get to know me. So why was I still looking at him from my desks, and racking my brain to find ways to make him open up? It had been 1 whole week and nothing. I had tried optimistic Eren, funny Eren, slightly negative Eren, very negative Eren, self aware Eren, chill Eren and classic charming Eren. All I got in response when I tried talking to him was a "Sure" or a "yeah". Sometimes he'd even be bold enough to roll his eyes. And now, here I was, on the verge of giving up on this kid.

The class was chatting as it did every class after the lesson. Mr. Bodaz had just assigned a small group project for creating a graph. Multiple people had offered to be my partner. In fact, multiple people whom I liked and enjoyed being around offered to be my partner. But the teachers' never ending quest to make me miserable interfered and he ended up pairing me with the impossible to please, guy next to me. Now he had to get along with me, or we would simply fail the project. He actually hadn't lifted his head yet the entire class though. It seemed like he was actually asleep this time because he wasn't fidgeting as he frequently did. It gave me an opportunity to get a good look at him without him knowing I was looking. Why didn't he like me? Was it me specifically or did he treat everyone this way? Slightly annoyed, I rolled my eyes and sighed. I then lightly poked him on the shoulder. He tensed up significantly and seemed pretty irritated. I really didn't want to deal with some angsty teen who couldn't bring himself to care enough to introduce himself to me, but it had to be done because we were now forced into this situation where he would have no choice but to engage with me at least a little more. His head slowly lifted from his forearms, revealing puffy, tired eyes with dark circles around them. That's when I was really able to take in what I was looking at. He had a few piercings along his right ear, all black. He looked sophisticated, but slightly grunge with his ironed black T-shirt and ripped Jeans. However, he did look pretty tired. His eyes were grey and they're colour resembled that of rain clouds and steel fused together. No wonder he looked like he was always trying to sleep in class. I knew this look all too well from someone else. He was clearly exhausted. He had an amazing bone structure that was perfectly complemented by an undercut. It was well kept too. I wonder if he had gotten it done recently. Despite his cold demeanor, he looked really clean. I couldn't even lie at this point, this guy was attractive. Reall attractive, but definitely not my type. One of the reasons I became popular at school was because I was pretty good at reading different people and knowing exactly how to act around them given the circumstances. And what I read from this kid was that he was one hell of a buzzkill. Those were the people I would often try to please, but they didn't really please me to be around. But this kid was different. There was this odd feeling that he already held some weird animosity toward me.

I ended up snapping out of my daze, realizing he was looking at me, irritated and slightly creeped out.

"The teacher made us partners for the graph project." I said a bit nervously.

"Is that so?" he asked with a hint of cynicism to his voice, now turning his attention to his wristwatch.

"Yep. I don't know if I've actually introduced myself to you. I'm Eren." I said putting my hand out to shake his with a smile on my face. This had to be the turning point. There was no getting out of this for him. But I cracked when he unexpectedly looked at my hand for a brief moment and rolled his eyes. That's it. I've had enough.

"What the hell is wrong with you?" I said slightly, raising my voice above normal. This seemed to take him by surprise because he then cocked his eyebrows as his expression changed from a look of sheer irritation to that of confusion. "I've been trying to talk to you every time we have a class and you give me nothing. All you do is roll your eyes and do your stupid little "Tch!" thing. Do you know how rude that is? How rude it is to ignore someone when they are actively trying to get to know you? And to top it all off, I still don't even know your name." He was staring at me right in the eyes, his eyebrow still raised.

"It's Levi." He said bluntly.

"Well it's nice to meet you Levi. Would you like to shake my hand now?" I said. It was evident in my tone of voice how fed up I had become and his face revealed that he wasn't expecting it.

"Not really." he stated simply and unbothered. I furrowed my eyebrows. He had this sort of vibe to him suggesting that he really couldn't care less about whatever you had to say and that even looking at you was a waste of his time. I don't know if it was the way his eyelids covered half of his eyes or if it was the fact that he let out a huge sigh every chance that he got, but he bugged me a bit. He then returned to laying on his desks and sighed once again. I felt for him a bit because he looked really, really tired. As much as I didn't want to bother him anymore, and as much as he had no clear intention to continue the pathetic excuse of a conversation we had, we had to do this project. I was on a roll with all my studies and I wasn't gonna let him ruin it. He wasn't gonna get in the way of me and that guitar.

"So what do you wanna do for this project then? I have some ideas." I said, desperate for some kind of answer that would allow me to proceed with the assignment.

But, he sighed this long, exaggerated sigh and lifted his head once again as if it demanded the world.

"What a stupid statement." He stated.

"You're really overly negative you know that right?" I replied defensively, crossing my arms over my chest.

"Just saying what's on my mind."

"Well you don't have to. I'm sure if I said what was on my my mind right now you wouldn't appreciate it."

"Well what is it?"

"What's what?"

"What's on your mind?" he continued. What was on my mind was that he was rude, and not very pleasant to talk to, but the truth was I still wanted to keep talking to him. I paused for a moment before shaking my head. 

"Not important. And what was so stupid about what I said anyways?" He then sighed again and rolled his eyes. Right now, it didn't seem like he was going to like me whatever direction so I had stopped trying to please him.

"You say: So what do you wanna do for this project then? I have some ideas." he said in a mocking tone, imitating me in a childish manner. That alone was enough for me to stifle a laugh. It was surprisingly accurate to the way I had originally said it. "I mean what do you wanna do with it? Put a bunch of little drawings of ponies to decorate the free space? Maybe some rainbow coloured tape as the border? It's a graph. How much creative freedom do you expect to have in a math class?" he continued. He's funny. In his own twisted way I suppose. I laughed a bit louder than I expected and he raised an eyebrow and wore a subtle smirk. That was the closest thing I'd seen to a smile since I first saw him. Perhaps this was just who he was. Sure he was a bit rough around the edges, but his humour was something I could get used to. I didn't agree with what he had said though. There was so much stuff we could do with this kind of project, and I'm sure he knew that because he didn't strike me as the kind of person who wasn't very creative. I had noticed a little sketch book under his elbow.

Eventually, he started scrolling through his phone and I saw that he was distracted. So I subtly grabbed his sketchbook. Hopefully I would have a bit of time to look through before he would hastily take it back when he noticed. There was all sorts of stuff in there: People. People who didn't look like people. Pencil sketches. Coloured pencil sketches. Animals, plants, and colourful things that I couldn't even understand. They were all however, drawn in a way I had never seen. His art style really did appeal to me. There was something unique and compelling about it.

It was about time I returned it so I closed the book and looked up to see him staring directly at me, clearly annoyed. My face turned hot in that brief moment before he snatched his sketchbook and placed it back on his desk.

There was an awkward moment of silence before I finally mumbled under my breath: "You're really good." He didn't face me but he simply rolled his eyes before letting out a cold:

"Thanks."

All I remember after that was a feeling of warmth in my chest and a vague sense that I had felt whatever this was before. Then, everything went black.


	4. Chapter 4

It was so hard to open my eyes. Like superglue had shut them tight. But I was awake and someone was touching my forehead. They were saying something but everything that they were saying was muffled. A faint light was slipping through the cracks of my struggling eyelids. Finally, I managed to open them wide enough to see Mikasa standing over me with tears in her eyes. The room was rather bright and it didn't seem like anywhere at home or at school. Soon enough the sound of a heart monitor gradually became louder and I finally figured out that I was in the hospital. In a panic, I quickly stood up making grunting noises and frantically breathing.

"Shh shh. Eren it's ok, it's ok." Mikasa said lightly guiding me back down onto the bed. I noticed that I wasn't hooked to the IV drip this time so that was good. I looked around the room and saw my mother sleeping on a chair next to the door.

"What happened?" I asked, my voice rather coarse. But I already knew the answer.

"You had another episode in your class and you blacked out." She said slightly holding back her tears. I'm surprised she still gets emotional about this stuff. This has been happening for years now. But they only ever got bad enough for me to be in the hospital about twice a year or so.

"I don't remember it this time." I said groggily.

"Doctor said you might have memory loss. They also suspected you had a concussion since you ended up hitting your head pretty hard when fainted."

"Shit. Did people see?" I asked, smushing my hands against my cheeks.

"Oh...yeah they did. Jean and Marco were the ones who called the ambulance since the teacher wasn't in the class at the time." she said hesitantly, trying to soften the blow of embarrassment I was about to feel. I hated when this happened in public. They weren't particularly triggered by anything but usually what went down with these episodes, according to the people who saw it happen, was that I would start breathing really heavily and crying a lot. After a while I would eventually get up and collapse after a few minutes. I remembered it sometimes and didn't at other times. Specialists that we went to said that they had never really seen any kind of behaviour like this but it was close to a panic disorder so we just went with that. It hadn't happened in front of my peers until now and it was sure to affect the way people saw me. They were sure to perceive me as some mentally ill spaz. I sighed and looked down at the ground in defeat. I'd figure out something later. Some excuse to tell everyone. Very few people knew about these attacks and I preferred to keep it that way. "Connie and Sasha still aren't back but they called to make sure you were doing ok. Annie still has the flu but she says "E just needs to take a chill pill"" she continued. I laughed weekly. That was typical of Annie.

"And Armin?" I asked.

"He's worried sick Eren." She said with a sigh. "He says he wishes he could be here." Of course Armin felt that way. He worried too much.

"Does everyone know?" I said, rubbing my eyes and bringing my hand to my head when I realized the sharp headache I had. I felt a stitch on my forehead. Did I really fall that hard?

"Yeah pretty much." she said rubbing her neck. " A rumour is going around that you were just on acid or something. You're getting praised for it though." She scoffed. "People think it's balzy."

"Well that takes care of it then doesn't it?" I said cheerily.

"Eren. You'd seriously rather people think you took drugs in school than know you had an attack?" she whispered angrily, trying not to wake up my mother. "You know it's completely nor-"

"No, it's not Mika!" there was an unnerving silence between the two of us broken by my mother's grunts and uneven breaths. She was waking up. Both me and Mikasa were still giving each other a long death stare.

"Oh Eren, liebchen you're awake." she exclaimed, rushing over to me. She took me by the face and turned it towards hers, checking for anything out of the ordinary. I softened my expression a bit and touched her arm to reassure her a bit. She looked so worried. She then hugged my head against her chest. "Do you want me to call your brother? He studied a bit of psychology so he-"

"No mom. Don't bring Zeke into this." I interrupted.

"But I think he could really help you seeing as you two are so close and I-"

"No!" I yelled. I didn't want to see him. And I doubted he would even want to come. The room went quiet again. I was usually in a snappy mood after attacks so she didn't seem all too fazed. Mikasa, who was still glaring ferociously, grabbed my mother by the wrist and led her to the door of the hospital room.

"I think we should let Eren rest mom. He's probably tired." She said, finally walking out.

After they left, the doctors came in and explained that they wanted to keep me for a few days to make sure I didn't have any issues with my brain or whatever. They also said they were bringing in a neurologist to check certain things out. Boy was this gonna be fun. Mikasa and my mom went home because I shooed them away and dad was working a night shift so even if he was at the hospital, he was in the middle of surgery and I didn't see him anyways. I was all alone. And it didn't make it any more bearable that I was too paranoid to fall asleep. I tried to keep myself awake for as long as possible. What if the nurses came in and undressed me without my permission? What if the drugs they were giving me were to knock me out so they could do things? These ideas were so far fetched, trust me, I know. But it was the subtle things like someone looking at me funny or someone's behaviour I found slightly out of the ordinary that triggered them. What made it even worse was that I knew why I was so paranoid. It was like this inner voice in my head was a doctor who had diagnosed me and I knew exactly what I needed to fix the problem, but I just didn't. Luckily, I drifted off to sleep out of exhaustion.

Days in the hospital were lonely. Most of the time I'd just binge watch a series on my computer, or email my teachers about what work needed to be done while I was away. No stupid episdoe was gonna get in the way of that new instrument. I'd goof off with some of the nurses, who never really understood any of the jokes I made but it was still fun trying to get a kick out of them. Kind of like those royal security guards you would try to make smile. But all in all, it was pretty boring. I still got paranoid at night though. Marco came to visit me a few times with some cookies his mom made when he heard I landed back in here. Jean was grounded for sneaking out so he couldn't come. Good news was that Annie had come back to school yesterday and I was glad to see she was doing better. We all kind of freaked out whenever she got sick because, like I said before, she had diabetes, and that made it relatively difficult for her to recover. The person who really visited me most, was Mikasa of course. She also stayed until I fell asleep because she knew how paranoid I often was. She and my parents only really knew about that. I couldn't really shake this one thought throughout the entire time I was at the hospital though. That Levi guy was cute.


	5. Chapter 5

"Come on E, you got this. Fuck em all if they say anything anyways." Annie said, with her arm around my neck, forcing me to lean down to her whopping height of 5,1 inches. I was an entire foot taller than her so it was quite uncomfortable as her blond hair brushed against my face. She roughly ruffled my hair in a big sister ish manner before letting me go.

"I honestly doubt that they will though. The rumours have kind of fizzled out and its old news." added Marco as he walked beside us to the math room. Annie would leave our side soon since she had to go to History.

How I wished they were right. Well, they were in the sense where nobody really said anything, but it didn't change the way they all stared at me. The entire classroom's eyes were shot up at me like a moth to a light. Despite me being late, Mr. Bozad somehow couldn't find it in him to scold me as he usually did and just watched me as I awkwardly squeezed in between desks to find my seat in the back of the classroom. Even Levi, who had usually been so careless and unbothered, was looking at me as if I was the ghost of Christmas past. I avoided eye contact as much as I possibly could. Now that I was thinking about it, Levi was the last thing I remember before blacking out and he was probably the first to notice me start to freak. I had to fix this. Even during the lecture, I could hear faint whispers with the words "drugs" and "fainted" and "crazy" mixed in. Sometimes I'd even catch a few people looking and quickly looking away. But the most intense gaze I felt was Levi's. I didn't dare look back at him but the entire lecture, he didn't avert his gaze and it was intimidating as hell.

"Hey." He said as the noise level in the class increased, meaning it was work time. I decided I would pretend like things were normal and fake a feeling of comfort. So I turned to face Levi and gave him a light grin.

"Hey."

"So uh...what the hell happened?" he said reluctantly, but determined to get some answers. I was tense, but I tried to appear as calm and collected as possible. Just like regular Eren.

"Oh. I'm not too sure actually. I don't remember anything." I said. That was the truth. "I had taken a little something before. I probably shouldn't have trusted that kid that offered it to me. No worries though I'm all good." That wasn't the truth. Levi narrowed his eyebrows a bit.

"You want me to tell you what happened?" He asked even more reluctantly than before.

"Sure. I'm sure it'll be a fun little story." I said shrugging my shoulders.

"Well you really scared me. It was freaky. You started panting and whispering things and crying. You were holding on to me for dear life until your friends pulled you away. But then you got up, stood there for a minute and you just fell. You hit your head on the desk really loudly and stayed on the floor until the ambulance came. Before that though, you held onto me so tight, it ended up bruising. See?" he said, holding up his arm and lifting his sleeve to show me a bunch of purple splotches. I felt a surge of guilt. How could I do that to him? I barely knew him and here I was already hurting him already. I would be scared out of my mind too. I didn't look calm anymore. I was sure he saw the sheer horror on my face at what he had told me because he quickly continued speaking in an attempt to make things less awkward. "But it's ok, don't worry about it. If you were on something you couldn't control it." He reassured me. I tried finding the words to apologize. All I could think about was how that must have been so weird for him.

"I-I um I'm so sorry I didn't-"

"It's alright Jaeger. Honestly, don't worry about it." He interrupted. I swear I could see just a bit of sadness in his face as he said that. He turned back in his chair to his original position and put in his earbuds. Instead of sleeping in his desk or scrolling on his phone, he took out a book from his backpack and began reading. I saw little sticky notes coming out of it and saw that it had penciled in notes along the pages. I tilted my head to see what exactly the title was. Maybe I'd get a good idea of what he's into. Based on how many pages he had already read, I'm guessing he was an avid reader.

"-The Antichrist by Friedrich Nietzsche -" it read.

It sounded familiar but I didn't know where I recognized that name. It was German too and I probably should have known how to pronounce it properly. But trust me, I'm just as clueless in German as I am in English.

"Who's Nit-ze-shay?" I asked. I was pretty sure I had said it wrong. He, who was previously tapping his foot rhythmically to his music, had now become still. He turned his head to face me with a slightly irritated look on his face.

"Nietzsche..." he corrected me. "...Was a german philosopher and one of the greatest thinkers of his time." I didn't know he was into philosophy. That was rather rare for a guy in highschool. He reminds me of someone I know.

"Cool" I said with an innocent smile. "Care to elaborate on what he's thinking about?" He looked a bit surprised at this reaction. He only let his eyebrow raise a bit and that kind of gave me the idea that not alot of people asked that.

"He's the man who killed God," he replied.

"Wow really? My condolences. I didn't know God was dead." I said sarcastically. There was something about this conversation that made me feel like it had happened before.

"Tch! Was that some pathetic attempt at being funny?" he scoffed.

"Attempt?" I replied holding my hand to my heart in a false melodramatic tone. He then huffed and turned around.

"But please...continue. I'm intrigued." I said with a little more genuineness, because I wasn't saying that to suck up to him. I was actually interested. He turned back towards me letting out another sigh.

"He talks about a lot of things like, what it means to be human, the ideal way to live life, what makes a good person. But he's mainly known for his big claim that God is dead."

The next 15 minutes were spent with him talking about some existencial anti-religious shit. As he got into more detail, you could kind of feel him ease up. To my surprise, it seemed pretty interesting. I was really able to follow. All these weird scholars make things like philosophy seem so difficult. But Levi was breaking it down in a way I could understand. I had become fascinated with the way he carried himself. He spoke clearly, but his lips didn't move a lot. He has a certain control to the way he moved them. And oddly enough, he communicated with such expression and passion, but his face didn't match up to that.

"And what about you Jaeger? What peaks your interest?" He asked. So he was interested in my life now? Maybe I had finally cracked the enigma Levi had proven to be. With that, I felt myself let go of all the anxiety I had surrounding him, and a wave of security wash over me.

"I don't know. I like music." I stated simply while shrugging my shoulders.

"Hmm." He muttered, putting a pen in between his teeth and leaning his head on his hand. "Based on your look I'm guessing you'd be into rock or something." he said. I was wearing a T-Shirt from one of my favourite rock bands, some jeans and a black leather jacket. Not to mention I had decided to wear my piercings today. I had some along my right ear. I understood his hunch.

"Don't get me wrong, I love rock. But I'm not limited to it."

He raised an eyebrow. "In what sense?" he said, scooting a bit closer to me.

"I love all music. I actually used to play piano. You know, like Mozart ,Chopin, Rachmaninoff, so I find enjoyment in even classical."

"You? You listen to Mozart and Chopin?" He scoffed. I nodded my head. I became nervous again. Maybe I shouldn't have told him about the classical thing. People usually find that weird and only enjoy the fact that I liked rock or indie-pop. But I soon came to find that this wasn't the case with him. "That's actually pretty cool. Are you familiar with Tchaikovsky? I'm quite fond of his sixth symphony." This was certainly not what I was expecting. I couldn't help but get a bit excited.

"Absolutely. He's definitely in my top 5."

"Kinda weird how can't pronounce Nietzsche correctly but you can easily spew out a name like 'Rachmaninoff' though?'" he said with a hint a small laugh. I didn't know whether he was insulting me or just joking around. "If you had to pick your top top three genres what would they be?" I guess Levi didn't think my taste was strange at all.

"I could never pick just three. But know that I'm excluding whatever's on the radio these days."

"Agreed." I caught myself fixing my hair after he said that for some reason. "You know, I can't say I've ever met someone who wears a Black Sabbath T-shirt and openly said they fucked with Beethoven." What he said was partially true. I wasn't as open about it as he thought. For some reason, I felt safe telling him.

"Well I can't necessarily say I've met a guy your age that reads Nit-ze-shay for fun."

"Nietzsche" he corrected me again.

"That's it."

"Tch!" He said with an annoyed and near invisible grin. "You know what's funny to me Jaeger?" He asked, tapping his fingers on his desk and looking off a bit.

"What?" I replied.

"You can't pronounce 'Nietzsche', but you're German." he said. I panicked. How on earth did he figure that out? The only people here that knew I was German were Armin, Mikasa and my parents.

"H-how did you know that?" I asked now looking off to the side and avoiding eye contact.

"Your name is German. 'Jaeger' means 'hunter' right?" he asked. I slowly nodded. "Also, who's Mr. Braun?" I nearly stopped breathing when I heard that come out of his mouth. That name alone was enough to make me have an episode all over again.

"How do you know that name?" I asked.

"Well, during your whole freakout thing, you were whispering the same thing over and over again: Bitte fass mich nicht so an, Herr Braun." His pronunciation was pretty good too. I couldn't tell if he just recognized the way the language sounded or if he understood and spoke fluently. "That's German for: Please don't touch me like that, Mr. Braun."

Well fuck.


	6. Chapter 6

"Good work, Mister Jaeger. I really appreciated your use of symbolism. You also provided great evidence to support yoour opinions. I'm impressed." said my English teacher, handing me back my essay. It was then that I saw it, in bright red marker and all of its glory. A gorgeous A+ written on the top corner. I was in disbelief.

"An...An A?" I questioned, abruptly taking back my paper and continuing to gaze at the letter in disbelief.

"Yes? Do you not believe you deserve it?" she asked with her eyebrows furrowed.

"That's not it it's just...nevermind. Thank you." I said with a smile on my face. I was still staring at it in awe as I made my way to my next class. This was the first A I had gotten in all 3 years I had been in highschool. And It was because I actually tried. Damn it. Maybe Mikasa was right. As the days went on, things looked like they were turning around. I know I had an episode the second week of school but people eventually stopped talking about it. It was old news now just like Marco said. My parents and Mikasa had expressed how proud they were as I brought back more good grades and Connie, Sasha and Armin finally came back today. The one thing I had really come to appreciate though, was the fact that I had a pretty interesting friend in math class.

Levi was very observant, I could tell you that much. Nobody I knew had ever picked up on the fact that my name was German and nobody else in my class apparently knew I was speaking German. He was the only one. Not only that, but he translated what I said in an instant and repeated it with perfect grammar and everything. I had come to learn overtime that he was fluent in 5 different languages including English, French, Latin, Japanese and German. Boy did he make me feel dumb sometimes. I had come up with an excuse for why I happened to have a mental collapse in another language. I said that it was something I heard in a foreign film and that I had German ancestry but knew nothing about the culture. He didn't seem to buy it but just left it alone.

"What do you mean this is your first A? There is no way someone who writes an essay like that hasn't gotten an A before in high school." he said. He knew what was in the essay because I had asked him to proofread it before I submitted it.

"Was it to your liking oh wise one?" I joked.

"It was fucking brilliant. And I noticed that nod to Aristotle's theory on eudaimonic well-being. Very nice. Did our little chats have that much of an impact on you Jaeger?" he said with a smirk. My face turned a bit hot. One thing me and Levi would talk about lots was philosophy. He knew a lot about it and I was always asking him questions so he would break it down for me sometimes. I liked this side of him. I liked that he was slowly loosening up and we were able to tease each other now. It only took me a few weeks but I was finally getting along with him.

"Don't get too cocky." I added, turning back to my notebook to finish calculating an equation I had started before our conversation. Then the bell rang. We both started packing up and shoving our books into our backpacks. "I'll see you around." I said, throwing my bag over my shoulders while lifting up a hand to wave goodbye.

"Yeah. See you." he said, doing the same and finally standing up. There was a brief moment where we just stood there looking at each other, almost as if neither of us wanted to leave even though we were saying goodbye. That was when I realized that I had never seen Levi stand up and I must have walked out of the class before I got the opportunity. Because what I noticed was so incredibly apparent, it would be difficult for me not to notice. Levi is literally like 5,2. I tried holding back a laugh but it was obvious I was cracking up. It was amusing to me how someone so tough looking and intimidating was so small compared to me. "What the hell are you laughing at?" he said defensively.

"Nothing, nothing. It's just, you're a lot shorter than I imagined." I said, still covering my mouth and trying to contain my laughter. He rolled his eyes, as if he were used to this by now.

"Ha ha very funny. I bet my dick is bigger though." he said tauntingly. It took me a while to actually process what he had just said. It was funny nonetheless but I would have never imagined he would say something so crude. That was something Annie would say. He then wiped the smirk off of his face and looked a bit surprised at what he said himself. "S-sorry I don't know why I said tha-" he was interrupted by me exploding in laughter. He didn't laugh along but a faint grin crept its way on his lips.

"You're really funny Levi." I said. He looked away a bit and I saw of red on his cheeks. I assumed it was out of embarrassment.

"Hippie!" Jean shouted from the front, his arm around Marco's waist and ready to leave the classroom. Both me and Levi looked in his direction to see what the fuss was about. "We're not watching band practice tonight, we're going to a movie." he hollered.

"That's fine. I'll see you guys tomorrow. Try not to eat each other alive, I'm sure there will be kids in the theatre." I teased.

"Fuck you." he said in a sing-song voice before firmly pressing his lips against Marco's and walking out.

"I love you too horseface!" I yelled so they would hear me from outside the classroom. Suddenly my attention was directed toward the sound of the voice beside me.

"You're in a band?"

"Yep." I answered, as he followed me on my way to the door.

"What do you play then?" We were now in the hallway walking side by side. We got a few odd glances and some people were whispering, when we passed them but I just decided to ignore it.

"I'm on vocals and guitar." I answered, checking if there was something on my face since I was getting so many odd stares.

"Cool." he said indifferently. "Well my friends are waiting for me in the parking lot so I'm gonna go on ahead." he said waving a bit then jogging off.

"Bye." I waved. Then I jogged a bit myself after turning right to go meet my friends where we always met in the front of the school.

I guess I should elaborate on the whole band thing. Well yes, I'm in a band. We mostly play rock with a bit of alternative in there. Sometimes we liked making things sound like it was from another decade just for shits and giggles, but also because we all kind of had an appreciation for the 80s. Like I said before, a bit of shit happened back in Germany with my piano. But I didn't want to abandon music altogether because it was what I loved so I tried guitar and self taught for a few years. That's how I met a lot of people in my main friend group: Armin, Sasha and Connie. We met in middle school swing band and discovered we all played a bit better than most of the people in that class. One thing led to another and here we are. Sasha is on the drums and Connie plays the bass. You haven't met Connie and Sasha yet so I guess I'll tell you a bit about them. Their relationship is pretty solid. They've been dating for about as long as Jean and Marco was, but I always thought they were just really great friends so it was weird seeing them do couple stuff. Sasha has long auburn hair that she always wears in a ponytail. She never really wears all that feminine clothing and it's never really been her thing to be super glamorous. Connie has a buzz-cut and is pretty short for a guy who plays so many sports. I'm talking soccer, basketball, soft ball, you name it. Both of them have the same sense of humour overall and bond pulling pranks on unsuspecting people around the school. Sasha also eats a lot but Connie likes paying for her food. I guess that's another reason their relationship is so strong. One thing I could appreciate about them was that they wouldn't swallow each other whole in public like Jean and Marco. Then there's Armin, also on the guitar. He was the smartest in our group. He was actually one of the smartest in the school if you asked me. He somehow manages to get excellent grades without even having to study all that much. But he's not a snob about it or anything. He's pretty chill and tutors me from time to time when my grades start slipping a bit too far. Armin is actually very bold but he's also the weakest physically out of the group. He used to have this girlish sort of hair cut, but he cut it short a while back and it suits him pretty well. But he could really pull off anything. Actually, a lot changed about Armin. He started working out and he got pretty strong. I was assuming that it had something to do with everything that happened a bit before. One thing that will never change about him though are those eyes. He has these ocean blue eyes that looked like sapphires. I could get lost in them for years and years. And his smile too. His smile's really bright, and no matter how bad a mood you're in, you can't help but just smile too whenever you see it.

"You guys were gone for forever! " I exclaimed as I hugged Connie, Sasha and Armin at the front of the school.

"We had lots of fun though." Connie choked, attempting to get free from my tight grasp. I let go when I noticed each of them were struggling.

"Armin, how did interviews go?" asked Mikasa, sitting next to Annie against the school wall. Annie was asleep, somehow.

"Pretty well, but I dunno if I wanna study there. It's so far from home and I'd miss you guys and New York way too much." he said looking around and finally settling his eyes on mine. I could tell he was thinking the same thing I was in that moment, because we quickly looked away after. "We should head to the studio though."

We all caught up about everything we missed over the past 3 weeks. Connie and Sasha were going on about this moose they saw and some inside joke they had about it. They were cackling at it for such a long time, assuming we somehow understood the joke. Armin told us about all the options he had in Europe for universities. Pretty sure he was on the waiting list for Oxford. That little genius was way too humble for someone of his intelligence. We dropped Mikasa and Annie at their boxing ring they went to a couple times a week. They bonded kicking ass for some weird sadistic reason.

It was fun playing with the band again. We all decided to take a month off so we were just getting back into the groove of things instead of taking it too seriously. We decided to see if we could experiment with funk and soul as a genre so Connie got a chance to lead since he was more experienced with it. Armin even brought out his saxophone from our swing band days and sounded just as good as he did back in the day, maybe even better. It was fun and lighthearted, and it was what I loved about playing music with them. Unlike competitive piano, it wasn't too serious.

"Oh I just remembered, I have gifts for you guys!" Sasha said, making her way to her backpack. She then rushed over and handed me and Armin, who were unplugging all the equipment, each a round sugary, colourful ball.

"You got us bubble gum?" Armin said with a chuckle, raising an eyebrow.

"Ah ah ah." she said, shaking her finger. "This is the world's stretchiest bubble gum. Not only that, but it comes in all sorts of different flavours and it's edible." She continued while licking her lips. She had such a passion when it came to food, it was scary whenever she would fight us for the last slice of pizza.

"I got mango flavour." I said after, plopping it into my mouth.

"I got blueberries." Armin added.

"Now try blowing it!" she said enthusiastically hopping up and down in place.

"That's what she said!" Connie shouted. That joke was getting so old along with the "your mom" ones. I started to blow the bubble and it grew and grew, becoming bigger than my entire face. Then I felt it smoosh down against it and some even got in my hair. Armin had popped it and was giggling like a little girl. He had a really attractive laugh. It wasn't ugly and awkward like Jean's or Annie's.

"Yo, Eren." Connie said in a more serious tone in contrast to his joke.

"Yeah?" I replied.

"I saw you talking to Ackerman while I was dropping off some photocopies in Bozad's class. What's up with that?" he asked as I struggled to get bubblegum out of my hair.

"Who?" I replied. I'd never met anyone named Ackerman. At least I didn't think I had. I did meet a lot of people and it wasn't rare that I would forget them.

"Levi Ackerman?" He said, sounding surprised I didn't know who he was referring too right off the bat. 

"Levi oh yeah! Nothing's up with that. Is there supposed to be something up with that?" I replied, while tampering with the pegs to tighten the new strings I had installed.

"Well.... Yeah actually, there is. Jean and Marco thought it was weird too cause you guys have class together apparently." he replied.

"Connie. Careful." Sasha whispered tapping him on the shoulder, gesturing toward both me and Armin. He shrugged her off. Armin was also awfully quiet after he brought up his name.

"Ackerman is the guy who dated Petra." he continued. I winced and became still. As did everyone else in the room except Connie. I had noticed Armin become tense as well. It probably brought him back to that day just like it did me. That sure complicated things.

"Connie! You're being insensitive!" Sasha said aggressively, hitting Connie's head followed by a quiet "ow" from him.

"No. It's ok Sasha don't worry about it. So that's him huh?" I said with a fake half smile to lighten the mood.

"Well ....yeah." Sasha said with a cautious look on her face. I could tell she didn't know how I would react and she was just being weary of that. I couldn't help but grind my teeth a bit and I just knew Armin was feeling just as uneasy as I was. I had no idea Levi had anything to do with it. Despite how uncomfortable I was, I decided I wouldn't make a big thing out of it. Levi was pretty smart and didn't seem to get along with people like Petra. And Petra was always dating one of those dumb jocks. Never would I ever picture her with someone like him, even if he was quite attractive all in all. God I really hated her. Everytime someone mentioned her name, anger would fill up my body. But I couldn't just blame her. A lot of what happened back then was my fault too.


	7. Chapter 7

Fourth period came rolling around meaning I had math. Meaning I had to see Levi. This was bad. Really bad. Anything or anyone that reminded me of the....thing that happened didn't sit right with me. After finding out about Levi and Petra, I couldn't help but feel an awful feeling slowly sink into my stomach. I hadn't slept all too much last night. I was up just tossing and turning, contemplating how this affected me and Levi's friendship. This ruined whatever fun relationship he and I had started to develop which honestly kind of sucked because I had grown to really enjoy his company over the past few weeks. I can't believe it had already been a month since school started and October was right around the corner. But, if Levi really is who Connie said he was, then he knows exactly who I am. Actually, that might explain his hostility toward me when we first met. Maybe he had grown to see past it when he got to know me? No, he couldn't. Jean said Marco had to convince him to not beat the living crap out of me that day. Maybe Levi was slowly gaining my trust only to stab me in the back later and then beat the living crap out of me. I was walking as slow as I possibly could, trying to stall. Each step seemed more painfully lethargic then the last. I arrived right at the door and my breath hitched. There he was, reading his little book. I bet he's not even reading and he's probably pretending to read whilst plotting how he was gonna beat the living crap out of me. God he's gonna beat the living crap out of me! Eventually, the overwhelming fear took over, the sight of Levi was too nerve wracking, and I couldn't find the courage to face him. So I turned the other way and headed for the back door. I was gonna ditch. I needed to finish writing the lyrics to that song I started a few weeks ago anyways. The band was really breathing down my neck about that but I had just never gotten around to finishing it. Yeah. That was my excuse. Mom and dad weren't home anyways. My mother was usually out doing groceries around this time of day on Wednesdays and dad is always busy working. And I know for sure that Mikasa wasn't coming home on time today because of soccer practice. Or was it football practice? (No we don't have a female football team but they let Mikasa in because she's just that insane). Once I arrived home, not only was my anxiety about Levi at an all time high, but now I was worried about my grades. That was a new feeling but now that I was doing well in school and my beautiful new guitar depended on them. Me missing today would surely have an impact on them. But when it came down to it, I'd much rather miss one assignment then give Levi any opportunity to hurt me.

The following day, I luckily didn't have math and I could go to school without the fear of being absolutely obliterated. I know he's relatively short compared to me, but man, did he look strong and I knew he was on the wrestling team. He had also previously mentioned that he was fascinated with the martial arts. Holy shit! Was that meant to scare me? Was I too distracted to see that as a threat? I wouldn't even really want to fight back anyways. Violence is something I avoid in general. So because of this dilemma, I found myself avoiding school altogether on the days I had math. I told myself I would eventually face him in a few days when I got my thoughts and emotions together. But I'd make that excuse frequently. So 2 days turned to 4 days, and 4 days turned into 1 week and eventually it had been 2 entire weeks since I had walked into Mr. Bozad's classroom. I still went to band practice and met up with my friends after school as I always did, but I never actually physically walked in the building. My system was working out so far. And I really hated that pathetic excuse of a teacher too. So it turned out fine. Right? Right?! Even if I felt guilty everytime I purposefully evaded math, this was the only way. The only way to save myself. But of course, just like all my awful plans, this didn't work out in the end.

I can't face Levi today. I just can't. I was walking home after ditching again, feeling guilty that I was going on three weeks of ditching. It was becoming quite excessive but it became more and more difficult to be able to even think about Levi. I didn't want to fail my other classes too so I'd come back during lunch and maybe try and avoid Mr. Bozad in the hallways.

It was raining pretty hard and I hadn't brought a jacket. So I was drenched in the clothing I had so poorly picked out for the day. I eventually had to take my hair out of its bun since it was getting ruined. I was all alone on the sidewalk, but something didn't feel right. Something was following me, or watching me. I told myself to shake it off because the more I thought about it, the more I started creating scenarios in my head for whatever this thing following me would want to do. There probably wasn't even anything. It might have just been my imagination and I was being paranoid. I was already on my doorstep anyways so it wasn't a big deal. I cautiously looked around me, before slowly turning the doorknob and rushing in my house. I exhaled in a relief and dragged my feet along the carpet at the entrance so I wouldn't get anything muddy, before finally hopping over to the kitchen to fix myself some popcorn. I usually watched movies while I was ditching since it was the only way to pass the time besides maybe catching up on some homework or doing a bit of music. While I was staring at the microwave, I heard noise come from the living room and felt my heart drop. Small but subtle footsteps were tiptoeing around the house and eventually they would find their way to me. Instead of thinking of the logical answer to what this might be, I jumped to the worst case scenario and decided that someone was breaking in and attempting murder. I barricaded myself in the nearest bathroom. I tried to get my breathing under control and went to reach for the plunger. The footsteps were growing closer and closer and I put my hand over my mouth to stop me from shrieking when I saw the shadow of footsteps underneath the door. I would count from three and then I would attack and run out of the door. 'Three'. Oh god I can't do this. 'Two'.....I'm gonna die. 'One'..here I go.

"AHHHHH" I said charging as I reached for the doorknob but before I could reach it it suddenly swung open and I fell flat on my face. "Please don't kill me!" I pleaded, my hands over my face and my eyes shut tightly while I lay on my back.

"A toilet plunger? If I were a real burglar, you would attack me with a toilet plunger?" said a familiar voice. I opened my eyes and saw Mikasa with an angry look on her face. Shit.

"M-Mika, what are you doing here?" I stuttered as I tried to get up from the floor but I was quickly pushed back down with her foot. "Ow."

"What the hell Eren!? Skipping school? I knew something was up. You were doing so well. What happened?" she yelled.

"Nothing happened." I mumbled, finally getting a chance to get to my feet and wipe away the dirt on my clothes.

"Liar."

"Nothing happened!"

"Liar!"

"And what makes you so sure?" I questioned in a condescending way.

"Eren, your ears are red. You're lying."

"Stop looking at my ears! You sound like mom." I said, covering them as my entire face turned a bit red, matching their shade.

"I sure wish I didn't have to act like mom sometimes." she said.

"Then don't." I muttered.

"Stop lying then!" she continued. "Eren your math grade. It used to be an A+ and now it's all the way down to a B-." she said, hitting my head with my binder.

"Come on Mika, I'm still doing well..." I said quietly under my breath.

"Not as well as you were doing before! If you stop trying now, Universities will see that and you won't even get that guitar." she continued.

"For God sake Mika, how many times do I have to tell you? I am not doing college!" I was getting a bit angry. That guitar comment one stung a bit though as I realized it was true.

"Well you still need to keep your options open! I know you're ditching that class specifically and I don't know why, so unless you have a valid excuse and you tell me, you give me no choice." she said sternly, making me shrink down ten times in size. I hated when she got like this. And when she said "you give me no choice" that was her threatening to tell my parents.

"No God please no Mika. Fine! I won't skip anymore I promise." I said in a desperate attempt to change her mind. Her death stare was then wiped off her face and replaced with a look of relief. I knew I couldn't break a promise with Mikasa. It was part of a stupid sibling code we made up when we were kids that we weirdly still lived by. It kept our relationship somewhat stable. I was always jealous of Mikasa as a kid. She was so good at everything. You think I'm kidding when I say everything but I'm not even exaggerating. She'd probably graduate as valedictorian despite Armin being smarter than she is. It's because she works a lot harder on top of being a genius. She's had this insane superhuman strength since she was like 10 and even I was scared of her sometimes. She's always been very protective of me so whenever I'd get picked on as a kid, that superhuman strength came in handy. I used to hate it. I wanted to be a man and defend myself, but I grew up and realised that it was all out of love and that Mikasa protected me so much because I was the only family she had along with my parents.

Because I had promised her I wouldn't skip, this meant there was no way I could avoid this anymore. And I didn't know if I was the least bit prepared. I guess I knew this was coming, but that didn't change the fact that I was scared shitless.


	8. Chapter 8

When I walked in the frame of the entrance, I quickly looked toward the back of the classroom to find him staring out the window, tapping his foot against the floor anxiously and biting his nails. It was almost as if he was the nervous one, waiting for something. This increased my heart rate a significant amount. What was he thinking? Maybe he forgot about me now that some time has passed.

"Late again Mister Jaeger. And I see you've finally decided to join us." hissed mister Bozad as Levi's head jerked to the place I was standing at. I felt sweat begin to drip as I quickly turned my head away from him so we wouldn't have an awkward staring contest. I ignored the teacher's remark and just walked to the back of the class, finding my seat and earning a snarl from him. Levi was looking right at me and I was trying so hard not to look back as the teacher gave what seemed like a 30 hour lecture on how to solve equations with y = mx + b. The grating sound of his voice always made things seem a hundred times longer. Levi's frequent stares I would catch out of the corner of my eyes didn't help one bit. That feeling, of not being able to do anything in the moment, of having to just sit there as the guy who probably wanted to kick my ass stared me down with a never ending menacing look, was suffocating. That might have been a way more appropriate time for a panic attack to kick in if you ask me, but they had to come at random times instead when I had no reason for them to be triggered in the first place. But, that excruciatingly long moment ended thankfully. Levi averted his attention toward his textbook as Mr. Headache assigned us some textbook questions. Thank God he had stopped looking because it gave me a moment to breathe. The class then broke out into chatter as it usually did during work periods, and the sound of his voice cut into my ear like a blade.

"Jaeger." he said sharply, looking a bit at the ground and tapping his foot a bit faster. I still didn't want to look directly at him but I let him know I was listening with a timid hum.

"Where the hell have you been? I've been bored out of my mind and when I'm not, I'm watching that doofus slip the tongue to the shy doofus." He was obviously referring to Jean and Marco. Despite how scared I was before, his insult did manage to get a bit of a titter from me. Could I be overreacting? Could I honestly be right in assuming that he had moved on from the situation and liked me as a friend as much as I liked him. I enjoyed that I was apparently his only salvation in this class. Now, I figured I should be up front with him and let him know why I was avoiding him. I then noticed that Mr. Back Pain wasn't at his desk or anywhere to be found in the classroom. The old fart was most likely picking up photocopies from somewhere, or taking a piss. I didn't have much time so I seized Levi by the wrist, yanking him out of his seat and dragging him across the classroom.

"What the hell are you doing?!" he shrieked, with a slight blush as multiple students brought their attention to us but ignored shortly afterwards seeing as they were too caught up in their own lives to care. We then swiftly exited the class room. I didn't answer his shriek from a few seconds ago. I was going to wait till we were alone so I could just set things straight. I continued to drag him down the hall. He surprisingly, wasn't resisting as much as I thought he would. He was instead, allowing himself to be dragged and I knew this because I knew he could easily have me let go with the amount of strength he had. We reached one of those hallways with empty classrooms that no one usually visited. I knew we wouldn't be interrupted here.

"So listen." I said shakily, my face hot, palms slightly sweaty and looking directly at the ground because I couldn't bring myself to even completely face him. I was still so sensitive about this situation. So was everyone involved for that matter. It was a really messy thing that fucked up a lot of people's lives. It was my fault. I'm the one who dragged all this shit in and now at least 5 people have to carry that baggage. Some more than authors. "You know who I am right?" I finally asked. His eyebrow raised and he seemed confused.

"Your Eren Jaeger?" he said. I then lifted my head briefly to give him a timid look and told him I was gonna talk about that thing. Then, his confusion dissolved to discomfort. I'm sure he was thinking of avoiding this conversation entirely.

"Yeah. I know." He answered. My heart was beating faster and faster and I was sure he must have heard how loud it was.

"Do you still want to beat the shit out of me?" I asked directly but still with clear nervousness in my tone. He paused for a moment, then scoffed, crossing his arms over his chest.

"No Jaeger, I don't want to beat the shit out of you. I mean...I did at first but, I didn't really see the need to hold a grudge after I thought about it. And besides, you're cool." he said in a more relaxed tone. He probably noticed that it was me who had more to be nervous about this then he did.

"So you're not just trying to gain my trust only to get your revenge in the end? I mean-" I slapped my hand against my mouth realizing how much I had just let slip. That definitely wasn't a version of myself I wanted to show anyone, let alone Levi.

"Ha! Is that really what you thought my plan was all along?" he said deviously. I still wasn't looking right at him. I then nodded slowly out of slight embarrassment. "Jaeger, don't worry. I know some pretty fucked up shit went down but I'm not some immature asshole. It happened and we can't change that. And we're friends aren't we? You're good." Friends. Yeah, Levi and I were friends, but it's not a word that I would really use to describe what we were. I didn't really know what to use actually. I then looked up to see that his eyes looked a lot warmer. It was then that I knew, that he didn't plan on doing any of the things I just said. I sighed in relief and laughed a bit at the thought of how ridiculously far-fetched my thoughts had become.


	9. Chapter 9

The weekend was finally here. At last! Saturdays were the days I would have these 12 hour long movie marathons with Mikasa and Annie. I usually spent most of the weekdays at band practice after school so I saw Armin, Sasha and Connie the most. As for Jean and Marco, they were all over each other so they usually only hung out with the group at lunch and sometimes would watch band practice. But we all knew that they were always at each other's places the entire weekend doing lord knows what. Annie and Mikasa were pretty chill though. It was always good to have a whole day to not think and to mindlessly be consuming entertainment.

Today was, due to my brilliant suggestion of course, cheesy films from the 80s. Me and Annie both hated them and figured we'd watch them as a joke. But I'm pretty sure Mikasa found a new love for them and she slowly actually came to enjoy it. Whatever Mika, you do you. We watched 'The Breakfast Club', 'E.T' and we were just starting '16 Candles'. My eyes were already starting to dry up from staring at a screen for too long, but I didn't mind. My week was weird and confusing so I really felt the need to just melt my brain. Oftentimes, when I was younger and going through a sequence of unfortunate events, I would find myself either doing nothing in my room, sitting in complete darkness, or staring at a screen the entire day because those were the only ways to minimize the thinking, and the flashbacks and the nausea. I would always stay up during the night too so I wouldn't have nightmares. It did get better over time. A lot of that still occurs from time to time but it's definitely not as bad as it used to be. I've been managing pretty well and I did it without a therapist like my mother suggested. I didn't need that, because that would basically confirm me as like, hopelessly mentally ill, which I'm not. Something shitty happened and I'm over it. Nonetheless, frying my brain with television is fun, wether its an unhealthy coping mechanism or not.

"E, popcorn." said Annie, continuing to blankly stare at the screen. 

"A, no." I said, mimicking her lazy and rude way of requesting me to go make her popcorn.

"Yes." she replied in the same blank tone as before.

"No," I once again answered.

"Yes"

"No"

"Yes"

"No"

"Yes"

"No"

"GOD!" Mikasa yelled, agitatedly getting off her seat to go get the job done herself. "You two are so much work sometimes. Eren, you being lazy isn't helping that belly of yours you've been complaining about'' she said exiting the room, but not before I flipped her off while continuing to look at the screen. I could see she was doing the same out of the corner of my eye. She was right though. I was losing my edge a bit and I needed to get back to where I used to be.

"She's right you know, those abs won't last without work." Annie said plainly.

"Whatever. Keep gulping down that popcorn and you won't be far off from me" I said unapologetically.

"Fuck you"

"Fuck you" We then both broke into a bit of laughter as Mikasa entered the room with a large bowl of popcorn in her hands, making her way back to the middle of the couch. Annie snorted violently when she laughed.

"It's almost like I'm the problem. I leave you alone for 2 minutes and you guys are getting along just fine." she huffed, leaning back into her seat. A few minutes passed before Annie once again broke the silence between us all.

"E, are you hooking up with Ackerman or something? Hitch says you guys talk a lot in Math class and you suspiciously dragged him out of class yesterday." said Annie, turning down the volume of the movie and shifting her position to look right at me.

"Ackerman? Levi Ackerman?" questioned Mikasa shifting just like Annie. "Eren...you do know that-"

"Yes Mikasa, I know." I interrupted now turning to look at the both of them. It seemed like everyone knew who he was except for me before a few weeks ago. I don't know why it's all of a sudden so controversial for me and Levi to be friends. We are clearly just buddies that happen to be a part of a complicated situation. "And I am not hooking up with him. We're friends and we sit together in Math" I said grabbing the remote to turn up the volume and relaxing back into my seat. Annie then grabbed the remote again and turned it down.

"That still doesn't explain why you two walked off together in the middle of class. Got too horny to wait for after school?" she teased. God I hated when she was in this mood.

"A, I swear to God don't make me come over there." little snickers followed. "I dragged him out so we could clear things up about...the thing. We're cool now." I said, once again taking the remote into my hand and turning the volume up so I could continue watching the movie. It seemed that she had given up on her little taunts for a few seconds and I finally started following the story again. But of course, that lasted a good 30 seconds.

"Make up sex?" she said, looking at the screen with a malicious grin.

"That's it!" I crawled over top of Mikasa who was hollering for us to stop and clearly became agitated. I then began pummelling Annie with a pillow as we laughed hysterically and she begged me to stop saying she was sorry. But I continued until she was playing dead on the ground, and Mikasa was eventually laughing along with us. This is why I loved Saturdays.

"Hey guys, I love you." I said with a little smile on my face. Annie then slowly smirked and began talking in a semi sarcastic tone.

"Woah woah listen E, I know me and Mikasa are stunning, capable creatures but she's your sister, and you're not really my type so-"

"You know what you little shit, you should learn to shut the fuck up sometimes. I'm trying to have a moment here. I love you guys." I said, pulling them into each of my sides for a hug.

"We love you too Eren." said Mikasa now hugging me back.

"Hey! She doesn't speak for the both of us." Interjected Annie.

"You know you love me." I smirked.

"I do not"

"You do too"

"I do not"

"You do too"

"I do-"

"Shut it!" yelled Mikasa. "You guys are a real handful. Now be quiet so I can watch the movie."


	10. Chapter 10

Monday had come quicker than I wanted. I didn't have math with Levi today but at least I had a class with Marco in English, as well as Science with Connie and Jean so I wasn't alone the entire day. I never had classes with Armin though. He's in all the advanced courses. That may be a good thing considering how easily I could get distracted by his silky blonde hair, and the way he props himself up on his chair. The way he sharpens his pencil and organizes his pencil cases. The way he always writes in cursive when taking notes. Everything about the way he works is so fascinating to me. I remember these details from the times I was in his middle school class. Though his appearance may have switched up, he was always going to be Armin, in all his brilliance.

I was still outside the school, and I had about 15 minutes till my first class started. I decided I'd have a quick cigarette before going into class. I wasn't a heavy smoker but it was a habit I picked up a while ago. Can't say I'm proud, but I also can't really let go of the habit that easily.

I leaned against the back wall of the building, inhaling and exhaling the toxins peacefully, taking in my surroundings. It wasn't much to look at being quite honest. October was my favourite season with all the leaves falling but right now, I can't seem to find anything remotely beautiful about the tarmac and the field behind the school building. Speaking of October, Halloween would be soon which means that Petra's gonna throw one of her big parties again. I will not be making that mistake again. Even if I didn't get drunk this time, it would still be weird to be put in that environment again. None of my friends would be going so there really wouldn't be any point. They were going to Ymir's party. Ah yes, the epic party rivalry between Ymir and Petra. Although I'll admit, Petra had a bigger house and more popular people would be there, Ymir's were always the most fun. She always had games and cool drinks both alcoholic and non-alcohol (that was always a bonus for me). I felt as though I didn't need to be completely shit-faced to have a good time. Actually, it wasn't so much that as much as it was that I was afraid to drink. I'm able to get along with Ymir pretty well and we actually had a lot of fun together back in middle school. It wouldn't hurt to catch up with her and maybe just let loose for once. Maybe it was finally time to start going to parties again. I don't know what it was but the air about this year felt different, perhaps change was necessary.

So that's settled. This year, I'm going to a party. I haven't been to one since the whole incident and I have to admit that I kind of missed it. All I had to do was not get drunk. 'This will be fun' I thought to myself optimistically as I brought the cigarette to my lips for another puff.

The weather today was strange. Neither warm nor cold. But the sky was grey and it looked like it was going to rain soon. As I looked around, I noticed a short, raven haired boy with both backpack straps around each of his shoulders, approaching from the field. He must be one of the kids that lives in the East so he uses the other parking lot and walks a bit from there. The East huh? Those houses are quite suburban for New York. They're huge too. Levi must be pretty wealthy. He was dressed in his usual kind of look. He wore a plain black sweater that was snug on him with some dark pants. As he approached the building, it became more evident that he noticed me because he was headed straight for me. I didn't know whether to hide my cigarette or not. A lot of people hate smoking and find it repulsive which is why I usually go to the back and wait till everyone's inside to do it. I can't do it near my friend group because Mikasa would absolutely tell my parents, but not before giving me the beating of my life. I felt like Levi could go either way when it came to his opinions on it. On one hand, he kind of had this "I don't give a fuck" punk rock vibe that made it seem like he wouldn't mind something as small as a cigarette. On the other, he was really particular about a lot of things and had borderline OCD when it came to things like what you're putting inside your body. He was also pretty knowledgeable and I'm sure he knew 5 times as many reasons these things were a health hazard. I was torn. Hide it, or keep it? Hide it or keep it? I began fidgeting a bit as a I contemplated, but it didn't matter because I didn't have time to make a decision in the end. He was standing right in front of me. He wasn't glaring, so I doubted he held any resentment to the act he caught me in the midst of. He didn't seem very affected or he wasn't coughing like people usually do when I smoke around them. So I decided it would be fine at the end of the day. 

"You want a puff?" I offered hoping this would be the right move.

"Tch!" uh oh. Wrong move? "Those things are so bad for you." he scowled. I know I made the wrong choice but maybe I could still fix this. My mind was running a million miles an hour, searching for an excuse when it hit me.

"Oh, I don't usually smoke actually I-"

"Yes you do." he answered unbothered.

"No I swear this is my first time and I just-" I rambled in a desperate attempt to change his point of view of me back to the way it used to be. But he cut me off again.

"No it's not. You'd be coughing if it was actually your first time." he said still looking right up at me. My cheeks turned slightly red. It was set in stone now. He saw me this way and probably thought I was gross. I couldn't change that. We stood there in an awkward silence before he finally continued speaking. "Why do you do that?"

"Smoking? Well I dunno I sort of just-"

"No no no. Not smoking. What you just tried to do." I had absolutely no idea what he was talking about.

"What?"

"That thing. You're always changing yourself. You're never one consistent person. It's like there's a bunch of dudes that happen to look the same named Eren Jaeger walking around the school." he said bluntly. Huh? "Whenever you feel anyone is displeased with you, you quickly change your story, or the way you act or you just sit there, analyzing them, figuring out how to make them like you." he continued. Had he been reading me this entire time? I hadn't been conscious of this supposed behaviour I was displaying. Well I guess I had been but I never really thought of it exactly like that. Sure, I wanted people to like me, but I always saw my behaviour as an adjustment to people's personalities. A way to make my company more bearable and a way I could get along with more easier. But the way he described it made it seem like I was manipulative and in a constant search for validation. Was it that see through? Could people tell that easily? I just stood there, in silence, unable to speak. Unable to move. "Don't get me wrong, you're pretty good at making it subtle. It took me a while to pick up on it." he said as he put his hands in his pockets and chuckled a bit. That was a relief. I finally found the courage to say something again. I wouldn't try to figure out what he wanted me to say. At that moment, I knew I had to be completely transparent with him from now on. It seemed like I wouldn't be able to lie to him.

"I started last year, after the whole...thing happened." I said. He looked intrigued now. "I was going through a lot of shit and I didn't know how to deal with it. So I turned to substance." I finished, putting the cigarette back into my mouth, inhaling slowly, then exhaling. By now I had a bit of a half smile on my face.

"Tch!" He then chuckled a bit, took the cigarette out of my mouth with his index and his middle finger, and delicately put it between his pinkish lips, looking at me with a light smirk. He inhaled deeply, but didn't cough. He had definitely done this before. He then exhaled, slightly away from my face. My eyes widened as an initial reaction. I was surprised to see someone who was so disgusted by it a few moments ago do it with such ease. "I don't give a fuck if you smoke Jaeger. It's your body. You do what you want." I just stood there in silence, as he placed the cigarette back in my gaping mouth, and closed my jaw back shut with his delicate hand. It was rather soft and it made my cheeks turn slightly pink. "I do, however, care if you lie, because it's pretty painfully obvious to me. Your ears turn red every time you do." I blushed a bit in embarrassment. "I have to say though...I like you a lot more when you're not pretending."

It was then I felt the feeling of butterflies start to swarm violently in my stomach. This wasn't new. I know me and Levi had just started getting to know each other, but I knew this feeling. The feeling of sweat subtly dripping down my forehead as my face begins to heat up and I try to control the reddening of my cheeks. The feeling of being able to be vulnerable and open with a person in a given moment. The feeling of adrenaline pulsating throughout your body. And now, I was just noticing how Levi's eyes had speckles of blue in them, that looked like the colours of Armin's.


	11. Chapter 11

"Yahoo! Eren's going to a party!!!!" Yelled Sasha as I covered my ears to prevent my eardrums from breaking.

"Calm down Sasha, it's not that big a deal." I said rubbing my neck.

"It is such a big deal!" she continued yelling. "You used to be so much fun at parties, Eren. We missed you!" she said as she threw herself into a hug and wrapped her arms around me to the point to suffocation. I looked over at Armin who was adjusting some strings on his guitar, he didn't react all too well to me announcing I would be joining them at Ymir's. I mean it's not like he freaked out or anything. He kind of just looked a bit taken aback at first and then he shrugged it off and didn't much speak since. Maybe this was a mistake. But there was no getting out of it now since Sasha was so excited. Connie and Sasha loved parties. Our entire group did but those two really went crazy for them. Usually what happens when we go to parties as a group is we all stay together for the first half dancing and playing games and what not until everyone's had a few drinks. Then everyone goes and does their own thing. Marco and Jean end up sneaking off to the bathroom to have drunk sex which literally everyone hears. I mean, everyone. I accidentally walked in on them once and ended up throwing up right there in front of them since I was already shitfaced. The gross part is that they just kept going. Annie usually goes and records all the embarrassing shit random people do for blackmail which I always found both annoying and hilarious at the same time. But I only found it annoying when she did it to me. She once caught me doing a strip tease on the table when I was out of my mind drunk. Embarrassing, but kind of hot at the same time if I do say so myself. My inner whore tends to come out when I'm intoxicated. Mikasa was a lot more laid back than she usually was at parties and she even let herself have a few drinks. She's usually so disciplined all the time so it was fun when her and I played drinking games and I got to see the real her. I used to have a pretty high alcohol tolerance so she wouldn't get too worried about that. As for Connie and Sasha, they were the life of the party. They were the ones who initiated all the games like 7 minutes in heaven or kiss marry kill. And usually at Ymir's, since she had a pool, they would always do these huge ass cannonballs and disrupt whatever peace they might have had in there. But they always brought the most fun and got everyone riled up. That's why everyone always invited them. Not to mention that Ymir always ordered the best take-out in these huge quantities so that was a huge bonus for Sasha. The first 2 of highschool were the best, but then, life got in the way. It ruined one of the best memory makers I shared with my friends. I missed out on so much after that. But I wasn't gonna dwell on this anymore. As much as I hated myself for what happened, this would be different. It wouldn't be Petra's party so I wouldn't have to be as paranoid, and I wouldn't be drinking. That's the one rule I have to follow if this was going to go well. 

"It's good to have you back hippie." Jean said from across the studio with his arm around Marco as usual. Everyone watched band practice today, including Annie and Mikasa. It was rare but they all wanted to catch up on what we had been working on lately.

"Yeah yeah. But I better not walk in on you and Marco again." I said pointing my finger at them both in a parental manner as they giggled nervously.

"I talked to Jean about that, we're not doing that at parties anymore." Marco with a bit of a serious tone, looking at Jean.

"That's what he thinks." Jean said with a smirk.

"So are you guys dressing up this year?" asked Mikasa eagerly. This was her favourite part of Halloween. She was a bit dorky like that.

"Ymir said it's mandatory. No costume, no entrance." added Sasha with a confident point to her finger.

"Come on! We're not children anymore. I didn't even pick out a costume!" I whined.

"Me and Sasha are going as avocado toast! I'm Avocado!" exclaimed Connie.

"I'm toast!" chimed Sasha.

"Gross." added Annie as she scrolled through her phone in a bored manner.

"What are the rest of you going as?" I asked, looking to the rest of the group.

"Me and Jean are going as The Joker and Harley Quinn." added Marco excitedly. I didn't even have to ask who would be Harley Quinn. Neither did anyone else. We all knew the answer.

"I'm going as existential dread." Annie said. We all rolled our eyes and sighed. Every year Annie would go as a weird abstract concept and bullshit everyone. It was really an excuse, not to dress up. But it was kind of her thing so we all bought it.

"I'm going as Jim from The Office." said Mikasa, jumping a bit.

"I'm going with Mika as Pam." added Armin. It's their tradition to have a joint costume. They would often switch gender roles as a joke.

"Of course you are." I sighed a bit while laughing a bit.

"So Eren, what will you be?" said Connie as the entire group all looked toward me with curiosity.

"Uhhh....well I wasn't expecting to be needing a costume so why don't I join Annie with the whole existential dread thing?" I said with an innocent smile.

"Nope. It only works with me." She said, still scrolling through her phone.

"It's true Eren." added Marco timidly.

"Fine fine fine. You give me no choice. I really didn't want to have to do this but I bought something a while back as a joke. I'll just wear that." I mumbled with a bit of a smirk.

"Wait! You don't mean-" said Mikasa covering her mouth with her hands.

"Oh yes I do." I said with an evil chuckle.

"What is it?!" shouted Sasha.

"Jesus Eren, don't tell me you're actually gonna wear that piece of shit." Said Armin massaging the bridge of his nose in disappointment. I was happy he remembered. I bought it while I was at the mall with him and Mikasa.

"You didn't think I would wear it?" I said holding my hand to my heart.

"You bought it as a joke?! Remember? Key word: joke. That doesn't mean you actually wear it in public. You're gonna embarrass yourself." Armin continued.

"It's Eren. They'll probably think it looks sexy on him." added Mikasa.

"True." 

"Ok. Now I'm really curious. What the hell is it?" Sasha whined, pulling me by my collar near her face in a desperate attempt to get me to spill. I escaped her grasp and snickered a bit.

"It's a surprise."

"Eren I swear to god I will literally disassociate with you if you wear that in public." said Armin in a rather serious tone.

"You don't think I'd look cute?" I teased, slightly moving next to him and nudging him on the shoulder.

"You would look cute." he said giggling. He then looked up at me and we were both smiling. But then it hit. Both of our smiles faded and we both kind of looked away awkwardly. The entire group was staring at us in a bit of disbelief. The atmosphere remained silent for a solid minute before I decided to break the tension.

"Well. I'm gonna go get ready. This dick isn't gonna tuck itself." I said clapping my hands and jumping to my feet.

"I always knew you'd be a drag queen one day." Jean teased.

"Mikasa, you're coming with me, I'm gonna need help. I want you to do my makeup and the costume is pretty tight." I said with a smirk.

"Fucking gross Eren. You're doing this by yourself. But I still need you to drive me." she said in an annoyed voice.

This was going to be good. When was the last time I pulled something like this? I used to actually do silly stuff like this all the time. It was a trademark. When was the last time I allowed myself to have this much fun?

When I got home, I dug around my closet for a few minutes until I finally found it. It still looked good as new. I had never worn it yet so I was ecstatic knowing I would finally get to let it shine in all of its glory. Mikasa was getting ready so I couldn't ask for her help. I had to look as feminine as possible. I mean, I have quite a bit of muscle so it would be difficult but I still wanted this to be shocking. I considered letting my hair down for this, but I look the best with my hair tied up so I'd just keep it like that. I was determined to stun people in this. I waxed my legs and my arms and my armpits, and even if I only had a bit of stubble start to form, I made sure to shave it down a bit anyways. After that, I looked up a youtube tutorial on how to have a convincing tuck. It was rather painful, but worth it. I actually spent a good half hour on it, and once I slipped the costume on, I ended up staring at myself in the mirror for a bit, admiring myself. Then Mikasa walked in with her costume (looking absolutely ridiculous if I may add, I couldn't wait to see Armin) and she helped me with my makeup. I told her to make me look seductive. She seemed like she had given up on the idea of me being normal this Halloween and just went with it. She gave me a smokey eye, did a winged liner, a bit of blush and some lip gloss. I told her I didn't want red lipstick because it was too messy. My parents were too flabbergasted to say anything when I came downstairs. They just sat there, jaws on the floor, staring at me as I walked out and said:

"I'll be back before 2 AM, don't worry I have a ride." I said in a girlish voice. Then I winked and closed the door behind me. Both me and Mikasa erupted into laughter after that. I'm positive my parents could hear it coming through the cracks of the door. I missed seeing those kinds of looks on their faces. It made me realize that it had been so long since I'd done something like this. I used to love always finding new ways to get reactions out of them.

"Eren, if you get mistaken for a girl and molested, don't come crying to me okay?" Mikasa said anxiously, turning around to look at me after she parked a few blocks from Ymir's house.

"Mikasa, relax. Now let's go, they're waiting for us at the entrance." I said. She sighed in amused disappointment as we both got out of the car. A bunch of people were in the front yard, smoking and drinking. Some actually had elaborate and well thought out costumes while others just put on cat ears and drew on some whiskers. The music was blasting out through the front door and you could see the colour changing lights come through the window. The smell of weed and tobacco lingered around along with the sounds of people vomiting uncontrollably and hooking up. It was wretched, the smell and sounds of a highschool party, and I loved it. Something about how nostalgic this all felt was so freeing. There was something different about my mindset lately. I took a deep breath and lingered in this feeling for a while before hearing the sound of Jean's voice in equal horror and amusement.

"You fucking bastard." he yelled. There they were, my friend standing by the door as they said they would, with their jaws on the floor just like my parents. Except for Armin who was laughing with one hand over his mouth and a beer in the other.

"Tell me about it, stud" I said, shaking my cottontail at him. I guess I should tell you what the costume was, I've kept you in the dark for long enough. I was wearing a black, sleeveless, leather body suit that cut off at my lower chest area. It is basically swimsuit length so it exposed all of my arms and all of my legs. I was of course wearing some fishnets and these black size 12 mens high heels I found at a thrift shop a while back. I don't even know why I bought them but they sure were coming in handy. I wore a white collar with a black bowtie around my neck and long black bunny ears on my head. Yes, you guess it. I'm wearing a 'bunny girl senpai' cosplay.

"You're an idiot." said Annie. Even she looked a bit shocked. Armin was still laughing uncontrollably and struggling to even say anything as tears formed in his eyes. His costume looked ridiculous too. He even got a wig and fake breasts.

"I love it! You look so hot!" Sasha said playfully.

"And this is going everywhere online by the way. Pose pretty boy." Connie said, taking out his phone. He snapped multiple pictures as I posed seductively. By now the entire group was laughing hysterically and Connie was struggling not to take shaky photos because of it. I even got a few whistles from the guys outside to which I played along with.

"Alright enough. As difficult as it might be to take your eyes off of me, I wanna go inside." I said. And the entire group followed, still struggling to get our laughter under control. We danced for a bit and eventually all went our separate ways. It was about 15 minutes in that we began to be able to hear Marco through the vent moaning Jean's name, which was no surprise. Annie was wandering around with her little video camera. Mikasa and Armin were downing booze like it was water and Connie and Sasha had stripped down to their underwear like everyone else in the pool. I didn't know how they swam in this weather. It was really chilly. They're crazy. But after everyone left me, I felt slightly anxious. A lot of what I was seeing reminded me of that night. I tried to shake it off multiple times and remind myself that this was different, and I wasn't gonna act like I did back then. But it was becoming increasingly more difficult. It was so unlikely for any of the events from last time to go down tonight. Hell, it was near impossible. But the ringing was getting louder, louder, louder until it stopped. There, in front of me, stood a short boy looking at me with a mix of disgust and enjoyment on his face, his eyebrows lifted and his head tilted in confusion. Levi.

"Where the hell did your dick go Jaeger?"


	12. Chapter 12

"Where the hell did your dick go Jaeger?" Levi taunted with that appalled but amused look on his face. I smirked in return.

"It's called a tuck sweetheart." I said, fluttering my eyes. We were both shouting a bit over the music so we could hear each other.

"And your father let you walk out of the house like this young lady?" he teased a bit.

"Do I look like the kind of girl to listen to my father?" I asked playfully, still remaining in my feminine persona.

"Cut that out. This is awful." he said, lightly shoving me and holding back a bit of a laugh.

"Like you can talk. I've never seen anyone dress up as Hitler for Halloween before." I looked him up and down. He had his hair styled purposefully messy and wore a fake, thick and short black mustache. He also wore a black suit with a tie. It had to be Hitler.

"I'm Edgar Allan Poe." he huffed in annoyance.

"Who?" I asked innocently. Of course I know who Edgar Allan Poe was. I was just trying to get one of those exaggerated sighs out of him. And as I expected, he sighed one long sigh and massaged the bridge of his nose, kind of like Armin does sometimes. "I didn't think I'd see you here. You don't seem to be much of a party guy." I said.

"I'm not. I'd prefer not to be in a place like this where I'm surrounded by steaming hot piles of puke or where my ears are overwhelmed with moans from the bathrooms but-"

"That's Jean and Marco by the way." I quickly added. "Continue". He scoffed.

"But my friends forced me to come. Although weirdly enough I can't seem to find them anywhere." he said looking around the room, jumping to see over the crowd of significantly taller people. I laughed at that.

"Would you like me to lift you up? Maybe you'll see better over the towering crowd of average sized people." I said through my hysteria.

"Fuck. You." he said, jerking his head toward me to give me a menacing look.

"My friends kind of abandoned me too. Wanna stick together?" something about being with Levi had calmed me down from my near breakdown so I felt a magnetic pull toward him now.

"Sure." he said while shrugging his shoulders.

Levi drank quite a bit actually throughout the night. He seemed to get wilder and wilder with every drink which way something I wouldn't expect to see from him. I had of course kept my promise to myself by not drinking and we kind of just hung out. I was having fun with him anyways. We were in the middle of the dance floor and the music was even louder than it was a couple hours ago.

"Jaeger!" he yelled through the music, dizzily dancing and sloppily dragging his feet.

"What!" I screamed back.

"You're really pretty!" he yelled, giggling like a 7th grade girl. I had never heard Levi giggle. He was always so cold and stoic. Oh yeah, he was drunk alright.

"Does the costume appeal to you Levi!" I teased, shaking my tail just like I did to Jean earlier.

"No! I mean you! You're pretty!" he continued slurring his words a bit, looking at me right in the eyes with his stupid shit faced smile. I felt a bit of blush creep up to my cheeks and my stomach kind of curled. I knew he wouldn't have said something like this if he was sober. It was very out of character. Nonetheless, I was flattered.

"Thank you Levi. You're pretty too." I was still shouting a bit.

"You..." he sniffled a bit. "You really think so?" he cried. Man I needed to get this boy away from the liquor table. It seemed like every other minute he was walking over to it and taking another shot.

"Yes Levi. Now come with me so I can get you some water. You're a bit too drunk now." I said tugging him by the hand to the kitchen so I could get some water. He was limping a bit and just giggling. I stopped in my tracks and took out my phone, knowing I wouldn't get an opportunity like this again. "Look at me." I said, pointing my phone in his face with the flash on. He squinted a bit and looked distraught. It was really funny to me though.

"I could look at you all day." he said, grazing my cheek with his hand, a constipated smile visible as day. I was so happy I got that on camera.

"Say what you just said to me back there."

"Ohhhh what did I say back there again? Oh yeah! You're really pretty Jaeger." He was gonna hate himself after this.

"Thank you!" I said in a sing-song manner, keeping the phone in his face and reaching for the cabinet to get a glass.

"Drink." I said handing him the glass of water. He grabbed it sloppily and stared at it for a bit before taking the most messy gulp of water I had ever witnessed. I of course recorded this too. I was getting all of this to show him when he was sober enough to be embarrassed. After his gulp, he breathed really heavily and began speaking, almost as if he was catching his breath.

"You know what Jaeger, you're like really nice. You're pretty, you're nice and you're funny. And you look surprisingly good in that ridiculous costume. You're probably confusing lots of the guys. You sure are confusing me." he let out this really ugly laugh after that and he was still slurring his words. He looked really strange now that his fake moustache was sliding off. I assumed that last part was a joke. I loved drunk Levi. He really wasn't holding back and you could tell he was just saying what was on his mind without really thinking about it. I mean he did say what was on his mind, but it was usually in a colder and more calculated manner.

"That's very nice of you Levi. Say hi to future Levi for me will you?" I said bringing the camera even closer to his face.

"Hi future Leviiiii." He said in a weird breathy tone. That was sure to sound horrible with earbuds in later. As I laughed even louder, it seemed he had joined me in my fit and laughed too, probably oblivious as to why exactly we were both losing it. Levi eventually sobered up a bit. He was still saying some pretty ridiculous stuff and making grammatical errors but he seemed stable, and he was walking properly again. After a good thirty minutes of slowly watching him go back to normal, we were both yanked by our wrists down the hall and up the stairs by Sasha and Connie.

"What's going on Sasha?!" I yelled so she could hear me through the music.

"We're playing games upstairs with a few people! Trying to make it juicy so we're bringing Ackerman along with us!" she yelled. 'Why on earth would Levi make it juicy?' I thought to myself I could tell she was a bit tipsy but that shouldn't be too much of a problem.

"They think I'm juicy." he whispered and we both kind of snickered. I was enjoying this childish version of Levi for as long as I could. Soon enough we found ourselves in a quieter bedroom, the music only being heard in a muffle, with a bunch of people in a circle. Not to many, but a considerable amount. First, there was Ymir and Historia, sitting right next to each other all snuggled up against the bottom of the bed frame. Jean and Marco were of course there, their costumes barely still together as they had been doing the do a few minutes before and it was painfully obvious by the looks on their faces. Mikasa and Armin were beside each other, looking like Jim and Pam on crack. Annie was here surprisingly. She always refused to play these games. Then there was Hitch, Rico and Bertholdt. This was definitely a game of spin the bottle. I analyzed a few people as me and Levi sat next to each other. Everyone was a bit tipsy to notice how weird it was we were friends now. I'm pretty sure Annie and I were the only ones who didn't drink at all in that room.

"Alright. Rules are that you spin, then you do the kiss kiss with the person at the other end of the bottle yada yada yada you get the idea. Armin, your name starts with an A. You first." she said pointing her finger at him. He looked a bit uncomfortable but soon blushed and giggled like he usually did. Levi was quiet now and taking more sips out of his cup of water. He seemed a bit more serious now but would occasionally poke me on my side which I found to be quite unusual but equally entertaining. That was probably the last of drunk Levi I would be seeing so I might as well enjoy it. Armin took the bottle and spun it around rather rapidly. I got a bit lost in the way it slowed down and the detail of the light reflecting off of the bottle. I got a little two lost because it took me a few seconds to realize that the bottle had landed on me. Oh shit. I hadn't even thought of this as a possibility. This was undeniably, a worst case scenario. It was bound to make the atmosphere a bit awkward. I looked up at Armin who looked just about as distraught and flushed as I did. I frantically looked around the room to see Mikasa wincing, Jean and Marco awkwardly staring around the room and Connie and Sasha sweating profusely. Hitch was however, intrigued and looked like she could pull out a bag of popcorn and watch. Historia looked concerned and Ymir had about the same expression of amusement as Hitch. Bertholdt was fucking clueluss and was just innocently observing me and Armin and Annie was too un-bothered to even look up from her phone.

"Alright- um, Eren, you gotta kiss Armin now." Sasha said awkwardly avoiding any eye contact with either of us. I looked over to Levi and saw his eyes narrow ever so slightly.

"Alright." I replied, sighing, and crawling to the centre of the circle. 'Just get it over with' I thought to myself. Armin hesitantly followed and soon, I was captivated by his lips stained with a blue alcoholic beverage. His eyes were closing and his hand was reaching for my cheek as I leaned in. That was what he did when we used to kiss. I guess it was a force of habit despite how long it had been. I could tell he was nervous because his cheeks were the deepest shade of red I had ever seen on him. That might be the booze though. Soon enough, our lips touched delicately. It felt natural. He tasted like he usually did, a taste that couldn't really be described because it was unique to him, but this time the alcohol overpowered it, and I picked up vodka with a shit ton of beer. As much as I hated to admit it, it felt good. A little too good, and I found myself melting in it. I became lost in the feeling and I actually slipped the tongue. I was surprised when he allowed me to. It was only when he pulled away awkwardly that I noticed how long we had been going at it, and how stunned everyone looked. They all looked like they had just seen the loch ness monster. I looked over at Levi who looked, angry? Why on earth was he angry? He was the only one that wasn't looking at either of us. He was just staring at the wall with his water in his hand. I ignored it. Maybe this was post-drunk Levi.

"Do you guys have anything strong in here?" he asked. Was he going to drink again?

"I got you Ackerman." Said Ymir as she got up, and fumbled around a dresser to pull out one large, full bottle of vodka. She then recklessly threw it towards him and he caught it firmly.

"You're not driving right? You got a ride?" I whispered.

"Yeah." he replied before chugging down one huge shot. Well I guess I should be happy that drunk Levi was coming back, but I couldn't help but worry because his behaviour changed so drastically in such a short amount of time.

"Alright, um well." Sasha said hesitantly. But then she shook her head, snapping out of it, and returned to her usual overly enthusiastic attitude. "Connie it's your turn to spin." she said passing it over to him. He was next to Armin so it made sense. Guess we were going counter-clockwise. As the game went on, I got kissed a couple more times by Bertholt and Ymir. They were ok, it wasn't the same as Armin's and Ymir's a raging lesbian so she was disgusted. Jean and Marco got a chance to kiss (it was graphic), Mikasa and Annie shared a weirdly long kiss (I don't know what's going on between those two but I'm ignoring it for now), Hitch and Connie gave each other an awkward peck, And Levi only kissed Sasha and Historia. For some reason, when that happened, it made me a bit irritated. The way Historia looked like she was enjoying it and the way she slightly wrapped her arms around his shoulders was weird just weird. It sure made Ymir upset. By now, Levi was completely wasted, again and was clutching onto that bottle of vodka like his life depended on it. But he wasn't all goofy like before. He was serious, but visibly dizzy and he struggled to form coherent sentences.

"Guys I wanna step it up a bit." said Hitch with her typical devilish smirk on her face. We were all listening as she dragged us into suspense. "7 minutes in heaven. You can do whatever you want, but the only rule is that you have to do something. You can't just sit there and wait for it to be over. No exceptions." she continued.

"I'm game." said Bertholdt innocently.

"Works for me." chimed in Historia, eyeing Levi suspiciously. I wanted to growl as her for some reason.

"Alright. Who wants to start?" she asked.

"I'll go." Levi chimed in. I was a bit surprised that he volunteered but he wobbled to the centre of the circle to pick up the bottle and sloppily spun it around. I was pretty focused on how awkwardly he spun it, making it go in a weird direction and spin in an unnatural way. Oh wonderful, it landed on Historia. She looked a bit eager if you ask me. Too eager for someone who had a significant other sitting right there. Levi wore the same expressionless face but it still bothered me how clingy Historia seemed to be toward him. She grabbed him by the hand and led him to the closet as he tripped a bit. What was she even planning on doing in there? I couldn't help but grit my teeth at the fact that she definitely had a bit of a crush on him, and was gonna get her way by being all possessive. I know it's part of the game but it showed clearly on her face how happy she was. Once the timer started, Ymir went off.

"Eren I swear to god you better keep your boyfriend away from Historia. She was making googly eyes at him." she threatened.

"Boyfriend? Levi's not my boyfriend." I said, chuckling. I was a bit confused too because I didn't think we were giving off any romantic vibe whatsoever.

"Really? I saw you clench your fist when Historia kissed him. You guys seemed awfully close just now." she said, raising an eyebrow.

"Levi and I are just friends. He's a bit drunk right now though so that's why he may seem a little clingy. And pretty sure he's straight." I reassured. That was sure to clear a few things up.

"What?! I don't buy it. He's totally into you Jaeger. The way he's been staying next to you the entire night. Levi's not exactly known for being that friendly." she said, a slight smirk forming on her face.

"Maybe he's just wasted and confused because Eren looks like a fucking dominatrix right now. " Annie joked as Mikasa snickered a bit. The rest of the group all laughed as I jokingly posed in a cutesy suggestive manner followed by several of them taking out their phones and snapping photos of me.

The 7 minutes passed, and I knew they had followed the rules of the game, because I caught hints of Historias lipstick all over him. He didn't look like he enjoyed it much, which satisfied me a bit for whatever reason, but the look on Historia's face was enough to make wanna me get up and punch her. Ymir seemed like she was gonna throw hands too. But then I corrected myself at how hypocritical I was being. Levi was my friend, I shouldn't criticize Historia for being possessive when I clearly seem to want to control a part of his life too. He's his own person and he didn't seem to hold any negative emotions towards the situation. So I should just forget about it. It's not my place to get particular about who my friends are making out with. Right? A few rounds passed, I still and I was kind of just chilling and joking around with friends as we waited for people to finish. Jean and Marco were upset they didn't get to have a round together but it was finally my turn. So I took the bottle in my hand and spun it around with a flick of my wrist and fingers. I wasn't anxious but I was curious to see who it would land on. Round and round and round it went until it finally pointed to the person sitting to my right, Levi. A bunch of "oooos" from everyone, probably because of the jokes they made about Levi being sexually confused. I hushed them a bit and Levi looked embarrassed. It was then that I noticed the shade of pink his cheeks were painted. He certainly didn't look like that with Historia. It was probably because of all the noise and teasing everyone was making in the back round.

"Quiet. My head hurts." He said in a lethargic drunken voice, bringing his hand to his head. He then looked up at me and scoffed a bit. It was then that I noticed I had been smiling at him. He looked a bit uncomfortable but sighed as he got up to his feet. I then did the same and grabbed him by the hand leading him in the closet. That was followed by a bunch of cheers and whistles. It was sure to make Levi uncomfortable. I didn't know why they were reacting like this. It's just a silly party game and a bunch of people had done this before us. What was the big deal? I closed the closet door behind us and sat against the wall. He was just standing there nervously, looking at me from above the ground, almost as if he didn't know where to go from here.

"You're straight right?" I asked with a friendly smile to ease the tension. He nodded his head slowly. I then tapped the floor space next to me, gesturing for him to come sit next to me. "Don't worry, those rules aren't real. We won't do anything if you're not comfortable." I said. He seemed to ease up a bit and he crashed onto the ground against the wall, seeing as he was still drunk.

"Jesus, why did I get so wasted?" he said regretfully.

"You tell me." I said nudging him a bit. My weak nudge was enough to make him fall on his side due to his lack of balance. I snickered and he grunted on his first attempt to get back up. "Need help?" I asked, covering my mouth so he wouldn't hear my faint giggles. He huffed and finally got back upright with a struggle.

"I dunno Jaeger. I feel like a bit of a wuss now." he said shrugging and seemingly finding it difficult to get that sentence sounding coherent.

"What do you mean?" I asked, looking over to see his face.

"I mean, I'm straight, but it still feels wrong to ignore the rules." 

"Well it shouldn't be that bad since apparently you find me pretty." I teased.

"Fuck. I forgot I told you that. Don't let that get to head." he said pointing his finger close to my face.

"To your head." I corrected him. "You really shouldn't have drank again." He shrugged. "So are you gonna kiss me then?" I taunted. I saw him tense up a bit then slowly turn his head toward me.

"It's just a game right?" he asked in a rather serious tone. I felt a bit of heat rush to my cheeks and the smug attitude I had before seemed to drain from me as I focused on his slightly parted lips, and his rapidly rising chest. Wait, why was I breathing so heavily? Why did the room feel so hot all of a sudden? And why was I nervous?

"Yeah. It's just a game." I said a bit shakily. We both agonisingly, and slowly leaned in. I felt his frantic, but quiet breath against the surface of my lips. Both of our eyes were closed and we were millimeters from making contact. I then felt his mouth graze mine and a bit of his hot air making its way into it. Our noses were touching and our foreheads were lightly pressed against each other. We were just about to fully connect our lips until....we didn't. The closet door opens. Sirens are heard from outside.

"Sorry boys! Cops are here! Out!" Ymir frantically yelled pointing to the room's exit.


	13. Chapter 13

"Eren, you guys were basically kissing when Ymir walked in on you. Everyone saw." said Mikasa as she laid on the bed, continuously tossing her basketball up and down in her arms. I would have been cautious about her dropping it and hitting my guitar, but I knew she was in control.

"We were just talking about how we wouldn't wanna break the rules." I said, as I chipped away at my math homework I was trying so desperately to catch up on after my whole disappearing act. I was nearly back on track and my grades had gone back up to an A-. I could almost feel the fresh new guitar strings against my fingers. Mikasa sighed and sat up on the edge of the bed. She then spun my chair around to face her and placed her hands firmly on my shoulders, triggering.a jolt in my shoulders. This never got any less intimidating.

"Listen Eren. I don't care who you date. But please don't date Ackerman. This is not going to end well considering your....history."

"Mikasa, I don't like Levi like that. And like I said, he doesn't like guys. It was just part of the rules of the game." I said as casually as I could in that moment, trying not to crack under her venomous glare.

"Eren, no one follows those rules! People only use them as an excuse to make out with someone they like in a closet. Hitch has a huge crush on Bertholdt! That's why she made those stupid fucking rules! The only reason Historia and Levi followed them was because Historia has been trying to get with him the entire night! You are so fucking clueless." She said angrily. I was a bit speechless but remaining silent would further her suspicion that Levi and I were an item.

"He was drunk, and I looked as close to a woman as I could get. It's not that big a deal." I replied. God her stare was getting more and more intense. I didn't even think that was possible. I was about to crack. Spill everything on my mind. The truth was, the way that 'almost kiss' scared the shit out of me. I don't usually get that worked up over kisses or anything. The last time I felt like that around someone was a long time ago. And I wasn't ready to feel it again. So I'm just gonna keep telling myself that we're just friends. I'll keep telling myself that until I believe it. This was probably all in my head. Things can get pretty crazy at parties and I wasn't really thinking clearly. Just as I was about to cave, Mikasa broke the stare and sighed again.

"Whatever. Just know that Armin looked really upset when you were in there with him last night though. You should be more considerate of the circumstance." she said discouraged and walked toward the door. That stung. "School starts soon. You better get going."

Today, I had math and I was looking forward to it. But to my surprise, Levi wasn't there, in his seat turning the pages of the book he was currently reading or scrolling through his social media feeds. I felt a bit disappointed. Was this how he felt when I had disappeared? And to no surprise, doofus and shy doofus, were in front of me swallowing each other whole once more. They were lucky Mr. Migraine wasn't in class yet to see all of that. I began feeling a bit bad for leaving Levi here in the back all alone. It really wasn't a pretty sight.

"Marco, did you finish the homework? I need to copy ASAP!" I tried getting his attention.

"Mmm I-'' he said in an attempt to unlock his lips from Jean's, but he was soon pulled back into that sloppy excuse of a kiss. Marco then pulled out his notebook and handed it to me, all still while grossly embracing Jean. Jesus Christ these two are useless. But I eagerly took the notebook and frantically began copying the answers. I was sure to get another scolding for not finishing.

"Mr. Bodt and Kirschtein! That is highly inappropriate! If I catch you public fornicaters one more time, I will inform the principal and have you both suspended!" exclaimed Mr. Headache. Public fornicaters huh? I had to give Mr. Bozad some credit because that was rather creative. I would have to use that one in the future.

"S-sorry" Jean said as the both began quietly and uncontrollably giggling. As much as I wanted to look up at the commotion, I was still in a panic copying down the homework.

"Well well well." said Mr. Migraine. I winced because he usually used that tone when he was lecturing me. I looked up but he wasn't looking at me. Instead, he was eyeing the entrance of the door where a very tired Levi stood, rubbing his eyes, his backpack slumped over his shoulder. He didn't look like his polished self today. His hair was messy for one. He was pale, oh so very pale. And the dark circles underneath his eyes were the most prominent I had ever seen. He wasn't even wearing his usual attire. He was wearing this plain grey short sleeve shirt and blue jeans. He looked like he had thrown on the first thing he could find, just as I did the first day I met him. This looked like a hangover, but a lot worse than any I had back in the day. I couldn't help but feel concerned. And I'm sure it showed on my face, because he slowly turned his head to look at me and gave me a look of appallment and my sentiment.

"Ackerman. You're usually so punctual. I'm surprised to see you display the same level of incompetence as your friend Jaeger over there." he said, giving me a disgusted look too which rolled my eyes. Incompetence my ass. I'm at the top of the class right after Levi and Marlo. "Take your seat." Couldn't he forgive Levi since this was clearly unlikt him and this had only occurred once? And could he not find it in his heart to see that he was clearly exhausted from whatever? It made me a bit angry. Levi stumbled over to his desk and slammed his face on it slightly groaning. Mr. Cardiac Arrest ignored this and went on with the lesson. I hated geometry. It was always so tedious in my opinion despite apparently being the easiest unit. Once the lecture was over, we were given our usual work period, and the classroom once again broke out into a chatter. I poked Levi's shoulder to make sure he was still alive. He grunted, but slowly rose up and looked at me with those tired eyes.

"What?" he said groggily.

"You look horrible." I said laughing a bit and snapping a picture of him.

"Yeah yeah." he said waving his hand in front of my camera.

"Hangover?" I asked.

"Hangover plus insomnia equals falling asleep on the table while cooking and burning bacon." he replied grumpily. I snickered a little bit. It was cute that he was so bothered about his bacon. Insomnia huh? Yeah I believed that. He always looked tired anyways. Armin has insomnia too.

"How's this? You can have my water bottle for today since you need to hydrate. I have an aspirin in my backpack and you can go sleep in my car at lunch if you want. My friend has pretty bad insomnia and I used to let him do that. It seemed to help a bit. I'll wake you up in time for class." I said with a grin hoping to cheer him up. That friend was of course Armin. Levi's eyes widened slightly and the pink on his cheek was especially obvious seeing as how pale he was. He seemed surprised at my offer. He then looked toward me.

"Why are you so generous all of a sudden you softy." he teased.

"If anyone's soft, it's you. You had quite the shower of compliments for me yesterday." I said in the feminine tone I had last night, fluttering my eyelashes.

"I. What." he said robotically as his eyes widened and his cheeks became even pinker. I sniggered as I pulled out my phone again to show him the videos I had taken. He watched them in horror and attempted to grab my phone but he failed as I held it up in the air and pressed the off button. "Delete them." he said sternly.

"Nope. And you need to rest. So are you going to accept my offer or not?" I continued. He sighed in defeat.

"Fine. You're sure it's ok?" he said looking off to the side.

"Like you said. We're friends. I got your back."

"Thanks." he said. Today, he wasn't his usual, quick-witted and confident self. It's crazy how sleep can change someone so drastically. I had decided to let him be for a while. He probably understood the math concepts a lot more than I did so he really didn't need to do the work in the textbook or pay attention in class. He was smart. I would casually glance over at him once in a while to check up on him. He had his face buried in his arms, but I knew he was awake because he was constantly fidgeting and his foot wouldn't stop rapidly tapping the ground. Then, he finally shot up, with a bit of determination in his eyes.

"Jaeger?" he said hesitantly, looking at the ground.

"What's up Levi?" I answered, tilting my head slightly.

"You like movies right?"

"Who doesn't like movies?" I chuckled.

"Have you ever been to a drive-in?"

"Can't say I have but it's on my bucket list."

"Well, my friends aren't available this weekend, and there's this limited time drive-in thingy open that I wanted to check out. So do you wanna go with me?" he seemed like he was rambling a bit now, but it was entertaining how choked up he was getting about wanting to hang out.

"Yeah I'd like to go." I said in the most friendly way I could. I thought that he was pretty irritable when he was tired, even more so than normal. So I was being careful.

"Cool." he said, then returning to sleep on his desk. But I didn't let him go back just yet.

"Why don't you give me your number so we can work out the details later?" I said innocently. I was going to go see a movie with Levi. Two friends were just gonna hang out. Even though the way he rambled a bit was driving me crazy about how adorable it came off as, and I thought he looked insanely attractive for someone who hadn't slept and had a hangover, I was quick to ignore the feeling. This was nothing but platonic. It had to be. No big deal right?


	14. Chapter 14

I was trying so very hard not to smile. So very hard to focus on the fact that I was hanging out with my friends and eating fast food in a park instead of how funny drunk Levi was. Maybe I just needed to talk to someone about something random to distract myself. Sasha was going to town on that burger and there was no distracting her from her food. Connie was testing a stupid theory that Jean and Marco could read each other's minds. Mikasa and Annie were looking at embarrassing pictures of people Annie snuck during class. So I guess the only person I could really talk to right now was, Armin.

"Hey Ar, Whatcha been up to lately?" I asked, laying my head on my folded arms on the table as I looked up at him. I was probably staring at him way too affectionately, but he didn't seem to mind when directed his attention away from his book and looked at me with the same smile I had.

"You know. The usual. Reading, studying, doing a bit of music here and there." he answered casually as he closed his book and set it on the table.

"That's cool. You got any new voice memos?" I asked.

"Yeah but they're not the finished product. Most of them are those riffs you told me to come up with for the songs we haven't finished."

"Let me hear." I said scooting closer to him. He kind of flinched and then there was a slight tension between the two of us. He took out his headphones from his backpack, hooked it up to his phone and gently put them over my head. I waited a bit and heard little keyboard noises of him typing in his password. Then, he suddenly sounded off his Gibson and jumped a bit at the sudden sound. I took in the sound and analyzed it a bit in my head, closing my eyes and moving my head to the rhythm. Then when it was finished, I took off the headphones, resting them on my neck and looked back up towards him.

"It sounds different then what you usually come up with. It's a lot more, mellow yeah? Nonetheless, it's excellent as always." I said. I was always mesmerized by how well he was able to come up with a sound that complimented what I would come up with on my end in an unexpected way. It was like I was the fire and he was the ice. It was oppositional but it was amazing.

"Yeah, I've been experimenting. And I've been listening to R&B lately so that might have influenced it." he added.

"Sounds super dope."

"Thanks." he said blushing slightly, rubbing the back of his neck. "Got any plans for the weekend?" he asked now resting his head in his arms just as I was.

"Yeah actually. I'm gonna go to a drive-in movie with someone." I said.

"Sweet. I've always wanted to go to a drive-in. Who are you going with?"

"Oh just Levi." the innocent smile on his face had partially faded, but you could tell he was trying to keep it up.

"Oh. Are you guys like official now or-" he asked, slightly quieter and more nervous than he was previously speaking.

"No. We're just friends. Why does everyone assume otherwise?" I huffed in frustration. Was it that obvious how much I was trying to renounce my feelings for him?

"Well it's just that you guys were kissing in the closet when the cops came and I figured-"

"We didn't even kiss. We almost did but even if we did it wouldn't be like that. He was drunk and we were just following the rules." I said with anger inflected in my tone.

"The rules that Hitch made? No one really follows those unless they want to hook up with someone." he said raising an eyebrow.

"Jesus. Armin, why are you getting so worked up about this? Even if Levi and I were a thing, which we are not, I've hooked up with people after you, you know?" I said, instantly regretting every word that had come out of my mouth. I knew deep down that had nothing to do with what he was saying. The rest of the group had gradually become quiet and focused their attention on us.

"I know that and so have I! I'm not the one getting worked up. I just asked my friend a question about a person they clearly have feelings for!" he said with the same anger reflected in his voice. We had both gotten to our feet and were fuming.

"Uh, guys" Connie said from the corner, but we both ignored him.

"Why would you even bring our relationship up? What? You think I'm jealous?!" he yelled.

"Uh, yeah. A little." I said sassily.

"Don't flatter yourself Eren! You could fuck Ackerman from behind on the table right here in front of all of us! I couldn't care less!" he said in his defensive and witty way of speaking. He had such a rough way of communicating when he was angry. It contrasted his regular self very intensely.

"Woah woah guys this is getting-" Connie said, getting increasingly uncomfortable. But we just kept yelling over him.

"Oh I think you could care less! You wouldn't be yelling at me if you didn't actually care!" I snarled.

"And so what if I do?! Don't you think it's kind of strange that you're basically in love with the guy who used to date Petra of all people?!"

"I am not in love with him!"

"Keep telling yourself that!"

"I will! Because that's the truth!"

"Come on guys cut it out." Connie said once again.

"Shut up Connie!" we both said simultaneously jerking our heads to him. He then shrunk down a bit into Sasha's arms, clearly terrified as she patted him on the head.

"It was to spin the bottle! Just because you follow the rules of a stupid middle schoolers game, that doesen't mean you're in love with someone!" No matter how much I wanted to stop speaking and just shut the fuck up, I couldn't. This was going in a direction that I was not liking at all.

"I saw you guys! The entire night you'd been doing weird cutesy things with each other!" he yelled again. "You fucking love him Eren!"

"No I don't!"

"Yes you do! Your ears are red! You're lying!"

"Stop looking at my fucking ears! So what!? What's it to you!? You still love me or something?!"

"And if I did!?"

"I don't know!"

"Well I don't know either!"

"Jesus. Fuck!" yelled Jean marching over to both of us. "I just wanted to enjoy a fucking hamburger but you guys had to bring your stupid unresolved emotional trauma into it!" He grabbed us both by the ears and threw us on the bench of the table, both facing him as he stood above us. "Armin, if you still have feelings for Eren, too bad because Eren likes Levi now. And shut the fuck up Eren you're way to easy to read so don't even deny it now! If you both still have feelings for each other, good! Get back together! Whatever, I don't care! Just let me eat my fucking burger without you too fighting in the backround!" He raged. We just stood there silently, in a state of shock. Everything we just said was so heavy. They were things we never expected to say ever again. "Armin, do you still love Eren?" he asked sternly, pointing a finger at him. He hesitantly shook his head. "Eren, do you still love Armin?" though it felt wrong, I shook my head as well. "Armin, do you mean any of the nasty shit you said?" Armin then shook his head again. I believed him that time. "Eren?" I shook my head too. "Then it's settled. Hug it out. You guys are friends again. No more drama. At least not in front of me!" and so me and Armin awkwardly hugged it out. It was weirdly comforting and I took a deep breath, resting in his arms.

"I'm sorry. Let's just forget this happened." I said softly.

"Yeah. I'm sorry too." he replied.


	15. Chapter 15

"Liebchen, can you come help me with the dishes?" cried my mom from the kitchen. Mom was usually always working when she used to be a lawyer. But when she got pregnant with me, my father was too caught up with his work so things became too busy for both of them to continue with their jobs. And when they looked into adopting Mikasa, she knew she'd never really go back to work again. That always bothered me. It wasn't fair that I was holding her back from doing what she loved.

"I can't mom, I'm leaving soon." I yelled from the living room. I was just on the couch scrolling through my phone, but I was leaving in a few minutes.

"Band practice?" she asked, walking into the living room while drying a plate. She was now hovering above me.

"Nope, just hanging out with a friend," I answered, directing my attention from my phone to look up at her.

"Do I know this friend?"

"I met him in math class. We're going to go watch a movie." I said while standing up, to go put my shoes on and head out.

"Is he cute?" my dad interjected walking down the stairs with a cup of coffee in his hand. Rather late for coffee if you ask me but my dad was always a bit strange. He was like a bit like a middle schoolers mother with the way he talked about my dating life. He was off on Saturdays so he was home today. My parents were surprisingly chill with me dating guys. I'm assuming you guys assumed I'm a full fledged homosexual, but I prefer not to label myself. Neither did anyone in my friend group actually. It's always been uncomfortable for me when I put labels on my sexuality because then, I felt like now only was I limiting myself but it also became a part of my personality for people who knew me. Next thing I knew people were calling me Eren the gay guy instead of just Eren. I like to keep things simple and just go with the flow. I could be with a girl, a guy or anything in between. If I'm attracted to them I don't see a point in not pursuing them romantically. However, I do seem to have a bit of a preference toward guys. But that's just me. 

I'd only really been in one long-term, serious relationship, and my parents really loved him. I think he was the second guy I had brought home to meet the family and by then my parents were pretty accepting. The first time though, they weren't really comfortable with the whole thing, but hey, people grow. And I was proud to see my parents do so.

"Yeah, Levi's pretty cute." I answered casually while lacing up my shoes. "But it's not like that."

"Levi huh? Well make sure to bring him over some time, we'd love to meet him." my mother said waltzing her way to me with a dish in hand, squeezing my cheeks, then making her way back to the kitchen.

"Are you talking about Ackerman?" added Mikasa as she came out from the bathroom.

"Yep." I replied nonchalantly.

"God Eren for fucks sake. Seriously?" she replied in a concerned tone.

"Mikasa, language engel." hollered my mom. I found it ironic she called Mikasa an angel in german as she scolded her.

"Sorry mom." she hollered back. "But Eren, Armin and you fought about this just a couple days ago I really don't think this is a-"

"Mika! Just friends." I snapped. She scoffed then stomped upstairs, clearly frustrated. She could tell that I was lying to even myself about how I felt. She knew me too well. "I gotta go guys. I'll be back later tonight!" I raised my voice a bit so my mom could hear from the kitchen, opening and closing the door behind me.

I pulled up to the parking lot of the school. That's where he told me to meet him. Dad got a pretty nice convertible last year with our savings so I convinced him to let me borrow it so we could hear the movie better. Levi was sitting on a bench near the entrance scrolling through his phone. His head was tilted downward so he didn't notice me. I walked up to him and poked him lightly on the shoulder. He looked rested and a lot more well put together. I was glad to see he had gotten a bit of sleep, and that he was probably in a better mood now.

"Shall we?" I asked while reaching out my hand to help him up from his seat. He took it with slight hesitation, but when he did, I noticed how soft and small his were in comparison to mine. He simply replied:

"We shall."

We talked about a bunch of random stuff as we usually did on our way there. We played a bit of music and he didn't seem to mind how weirdly jumbled my playlist was. He even recognized some of the classical songs which impressed me, but didn't surprise me. Levi did tend to have a taste for sophisticated things. Eventually, we made it to the place and I struggled to find a parking spot but managed eventually. We scooted to the backseats so we could be more comfortable and I took out the snacks I had packed which consisted of potato chips and almonds. He brought the drinks, which were literally just two cans of pop. It was a mutual agreement we had over text. We had managed to snag a pretty good spot and had a great view of the screen. I gotta say, it didn't take long for us to realize that the movie was pretty bad. I would snicker at some points and he wouldn't really laugh but I could tell he was having just as much fun as I was having as we made fun of the dramatic scenes that came off comedic.

About halfway through the movie, we weren't really talking all that much anymore. The main actress was giving a very unconvincing performance and I found myself cringing a lot. But Levi seemed pretty invested in the story, his chin resting on his hands and his legs slightly spread apart. I would casually glance over at him once in a while and admire his side profile, the shape of his jawline as well as the subtle curve in his nose. He was rapidly tapping his foot...again. He sure did that a lot. Actually come to think of it, the three things I saw Levi do the most was tap his foot rapidly, bite his nails, and say the "Tch!" thing. Eventually, I had started paying attention to the movie and thinking about how much one of the actors looked like Armin. They had the same colour eyes. But my train of thought was interrupted when I felt Levi's arm slightly touch mine. Had he scooted closer? I decided not to look over at him. I felt blood rush up to my cheeks. Maybe this was an accident. Maybe he didn't mean to put his arm there. I then realized he was slightly shivering. Now it all made sense. He had probably just scooted closer as a natural inclination to get some body heat.

"Are you cold?" I asked.

"Yeah. But I'll live". It was pretty chilly and he was out in nothing but a T-shirt and some jeans. I should just do it. It's harmless really. I began rummaging around my backpack and pulled out my hoodie. It took him a moment to realize I was holding it out for him to take it. "Tch! I'm good." he said.

"Tch! You're shaking." I said in the same plain tone, in an almost mocking way.

"I'm fine."

"Why didn't you bring a sweater?"

"I didn't know it was going to be this cold."

"Take it."

"No."

"Don't make me do this." 

"No!" He said with more conviction to his voice. Then I did the only thing I could think of and suddenly began tickling him, just praying he was even ticklish so this would work. And he was. Oh my god he was so ticklish. He was trying so hard to sound serious as he begged me to stop but his laughter was uncontrollable. After I tickled him enough to the point of him being out of breath and too weak to fight me, I forced it onto him to which he put up a valiant fight, but in the end, ended up losing. It was pretty big on him. He huffed and curled up, hugging his knees and looking away.

"You have a really great laugh." I said. " You should do it more often." He didn't respond, he just kept looking at the screen in front of us, silently. I then turned to face him and saw that he was blushing. I don't know why but it did something so strange to my heart. I let that sensation cloud any better judgement and my body ended up taking control of my actions instead of my head. I felt him become the most tense I had seen him as I slowly pulled him closer to me by the waist. I knew exactly the expression he was wearing despite me not even looking away from the screen. My heart was racing a million miles an hour and yet, somehow, I was still trying to convince myself that whatever we had going on was simply friendly. Just two buddies trying to keep warm.

"Relax Levi." I said with a smile to reassure him. To my surprise, he didn't pull away as I expected him too and he just melted. What really got me was when he snuggled up and rested his head on me.

"This is only because I'm cold by the way." he said quietly.

"Yeah. I know." I said unconvingly but he didn't seem to think much of it. There was another wave of silence.

"This movie is horseshit Jaeger."

"It's a steaming hot pile of it Levi."

There was a wordless mutual agreement to ignore whatever happened in the car as we walked down the streets of the city for a while. We had decided we had a bit of time before we went home so we went on a stroll after we parked the car somewhere. The walk was rather innocent, with no more contact than accidentally grazing our hands by each other and quickly pulling away. But every time I thought of Levi's smaller figure pressed against mine, depending on me to warm him up with my touch while curled up in my sweater, I was getting a bubbly feeling. And it wasn't getting any less scary.

"Hey Jaeger?" he asked.

"Yeah Levi?"

"You said you played piano right?"

"Yep. Haven't competed in a while though."

"Could you play for me sometime?" He remained looking ahead of him, his hands in the pockets of my hoodie, walking at a moderate pace. I was a bit put off by this. An uncomfortable and tangible lump began to form in my throat. No one had really asked me to play in years apart from Armin. And everytime I did, all it did was evoke horrible memories and an unnatural discomfort. But I would do anything for him, so I played through the pain.

"Uhh, yeah sure I guess" I choked. I have a baby grand at home so if you ever come ov-"

"How bout right now?" He said cutting me off. It was then I realized that we were standing directly in front of our highschool. And then it hit like a big yellow bus. We had been walking for at least an hour already. There was a piano in the school so I assu med he was asking me to play there.

"Isn't it closed though?" I said, now shifting my body completely to face him. He did the same, waving a key in front of my face, with a slight smirk while lifting his eyebrows continuously. "How did you get those?" I exclaimed but he soon interrupted me.

"I managed to get into the janitors closet a while back and steal one of the keys that opens all the doors. They had a few of them actually. Tch! Dumbasses. Even I was shocked at how easy it was for a student to get something so valuable."

I let out a laugh and smiled at him shaking my head in disappointment for his mischievous behaviour.

We managed to get into the school and for a while we just made a bunch of noise as we ran through the dark hallways. Levi was acting a bit more relaxed and carefree then he usually did. I liked this side of him. We were banging things against the lockers and screaming things like "Mr. Bozad is a dumbass!" at the top of our lungs. It felt good knowing we could say whatever we wanted in the school without anyone hearing us or having any consequences. Soon enough, the doors to the doors to the music room stared me down right in the face as it became more and more difficult to not feel a sense of discomfort. The moonlight was brightly lighting it up, revealing a Steinway Grand Piano. My stomach started tangling inside itself. I hated the sight of those black and white keys. I hated how they were ruined for me. I hated that I, Eren Jaeger, the boy who used to be a supposed "genius" and loved the piano with all his little heart, was now looking down at the thing that was used as a way of ruining his life. I walked over to it and skimmed my fingers over the keys, not pressing hard enough to make any sound.

"What's wrong?" he said furrowing his eyebrows. He must have noticed how uncomfortable I was with this, and how my lighthearted energy from moments ago had changed so abruptly to sombre. I hadn't talked about this with anyone in a while. Was I even prepared to tell him? I've known Jean, Marco, Connie and Sasha for over 3 and a half years and they don't even know about why I had stopped. Yet here I am about to tell someone I've known for a little over 2 months the thing that haunted me the most. This probably wasn't a good idea, but the words were slipping out before I could even stop myself.

"I stopped playing a while ago. Something happened with my piano teacher. And I've never been able to look at it the same way." I said in trying to remain calm and collected as possible, looking down and avoiding his eyes.

"Shit, what happened?" He said walking closer to me. I didn't know if I could tell him. Tears began forming but I told myself I wouldn't cry over this anymore so I sucked it up.

"He uh-" I said hesitantly. It was difficult to get this out. It was difficult to think of how to get this out. Just as I was about to break down right then and there, I felt a firm grip on my left shoulder and looked up to meet his gaze.

"Breath." He said softly. "You don't have to say it. That's the same look I would have on my face after my foster mother would tell me to come to her bedroom. Tch! You too huh? The world fucking sucks Jaeger." he scoffed. I couldn't help but feel a bit stunned. I didn't even know he was a foster home, but I was reading between the lines and I could tell that it wasn't something he was willing to speak on. Though my heart ached for him having to share my kind of pain, I found comfort in the fact that he could understand.

I took a moment to collect myself and shook my body in an attempt to revert back to my normal upbeat personality. "What do you want me to play?" I said with a slight quiver to my voice.

"You don't have to Jaeger honestly." he tried to stop me, seeing how off I was. But I wanted to do this. I wanted to prove that that man didn't have that power over me anymore. Though every time I tried to do that, it further proved that he still did.

"It's ok. What do you want me to play?" I said.

"Anything." he stated. My heart was racing but it wasn't because of the piano anymore. Perhaps it was the way the light hit his grey, cloudy eyes and reflected on his skin. I sat on the stool, adjusting myself to be at a comfortable position. Although I doubt I'd be able to be comfortable at all playing in the first place. I knew what I'd play. It was the piece I felt like playing in a moment where words weren't enough to describe a certain feeling. But I couldn't possibly be having such strong feelings for Levi. We were friends. 'Just friends' I repeated to myself in my head. The piece was by a german composer that I studied way back when but this was an arrangement by Rachmaninoff. It was called "Liebesleid'' or "Love's sorrow". And one of the reasons I had grown to love it so much was because, in times of heartbreak or emotional anguish, it guided me through everything I was feeling. It gave me an outlet to say everything I needed to say without having to even open my mouth. I was pretty deep for a 12 year old if you ask me. I pressed the first key, and felt chills run up my body, letting the sounds travel through my veins all the way to my heavy heart. I was remembering that awful I man, and how he taught this piece to me. Remember the feeling of thinking it was too difficult to master as I stared at the sheet music for the first time. Remembering the applause I received from the crowd when I performed it for the first time. Remembering my innocent middle school girlfriend and how much she adored me when I played for her. Remembering the coffee shop 5 minutes away from my old house across the sea and the smell of German delicacies travelling down the street because there was a festival today. No matter how I played the piano and no matter how much time had passed since it all came crashing down, it just felt wrong. Wrong wrong wrong. I wasn't making any mistakes, and I as following the intended dynamics for this piece, but nothing felt right about it.These thoughts made it near impossible to hold back the tears begging for an exit. But I was determined to keep them inside and remain as calm as possible, because I wasn't ready to show this side of me to Levi. I know he said he didn't like it when I lied, but this wasn't lying. This was just an emotion I wasn't yet willing for him to see. I could feel him staring at me as he leaned on one side of the piano, listening attentively. He then walked toward the right side of the bench and sat next to me. He looked at my fingers and how they smoothly skipped from key to key. I was surprised I could still play this well after so long, not missing a single note. I quickly glanced over at him. He looked so vulnerable in that moment. He felt what I was feeling. He understood what I was saying. That's what I loved most about music. I loved being able to reach people. I saw real, raw and strong emotions in him for the first time...and he looked beautiful. His beauty was further emphasized because it was so rare that he opened up and allowed such passion to be seen on his face. That look that he always had on his face that made it seem like he was thinking hard about something, had faded into a semblance of peace. He wasn't biting his nails. He wasn't tapping his foot, and he wasn't making that cute little "Tch!" noise he always did. Suddenly, I felt his head rest on my shoulder and my heart began to pound against the inside of my chest harder than it had in a very long time. I dared not stop playing. I never wanted this to end. It had a certain familiarity to it despite me never sharing a moment like this with Levi.

Once I finished the piece, I noticed he didn't move. I looked over to see a soundless Levi, breathing slowly, and sleeping on my shoulder. I couldn't help but smile. I decided I would keep playing until he woke up. I don't know if it was him snuggling up to me in the car, running around wildly in the hallways or his willingness to be there for me as I struggled not to break down crying. But whether I knew it or not and no matter how much I was still suppressing it, I was, without a doubt, falling in love with Levi Ackerman.


	16. Chapter 16

Zeke: Hey little bro

I partially rolled my eyes. I knew exactly what was coming.

Me: hi

Zeke: I know I said I'd come for Christmas but we'll have to wait till summer break.

Me: Alright whatever

Zeke: I promise I'll make it up to you

But I just left him on read and refused to engage in this pathetic excuse anymore. It was becoming so annoying how he'd try to pretend like he was actually busy or like he actually intended on coming in the first place. I mean, he was busy but he wasn't so busy he couldn't even call. We all knew he was just avoiding coming home because him and Dad's relationship was rocky.

November flew by quicker than I expected and soon enough, we all found ourselves preparing for the holiday season. I did secret santa with my friends as we do every year. I got Annie and I got her a really shitty coffee mug that says "World's best dad". She would've done something similar, I can assure you that. Jean got me and he literally bought me a bottle of soy sauce. The best part about secret santa with our group was that the point was to get the worst possible gifts for your person. It has to be subtle though. I thought I was really gonna win this year but Jean really stepped up his game. Mikasa was the runner up when she gave Connie Jake Paul merch. Marco was way too sweet of course and ended up getting Armin as sea shell. That might sound bad at first until you find out that Armin's favourite place was the sea. Marco has never won and I don't think he ever will. Turns out Levi's birthday was on Christmas Day. I knew he was spending it with his friends because I saw a picture of him on one of my Instagram mutual's stories with a birthday cake and him shooing away the camera. It was also followed by a spam of awkward candid photos of him which I ended up screenshotting for blackmail later. His friend group looked about the same size as mine. I decided I would get him something as a sort of half Christmas, half birthday present. I ended up buying him something actually well thought out and he was a bit taken aback but he appreciated it in the end. He did feel bad for not getting me anything but I just told him that he would owe me on my birthday. What I got him was a philosophy book he hadn't read yet and I knew he hadn't because he was talking about how he wanted to try out that specific author soon but he never really got around to buying any of their works. We had only hung out a couple of times during the break. He even ended up coming over to my house where we played a few video games and watched a few movies he brought over. My parents were of course not home when that happened because we both kind of feared how awkward it might become.

The break was nearly over and I was determined to keep the roll I had going when I came back to school. My grades were great actually. I got my first report card back with a 3.8 GPA. My parents were of course ecstatic but I still had two more trimesters to hold up my grades and get that guitar. Levi seemed to be proud of me too. Even if he expressed it coldly, he would often say shit like "I don't know why you're so surprised Jaeger, you're one of the most clever people I know." I knew he meant it considering how much he used the words "imbecile" and "incompetent" to describe other people. Especially Jean. For some reason he really, really, REALLY hated Jean. But I couldn't blame him.

It was the end of the day, and we were all hanging out outside of the school as we waited for Connie to finish taking a piss. Alright alright. Before I continue, I guess I'm gonna tell you guys the detail you have most definitely caught onto that I left out about Armin. This is barely a grand reveal but I used to be totally in love with him. And in case you haven't guessed it by now, Armin was the guy I was in a serious relationship with. It didn't end well. But I was glad we remained friends because he was actually my first friend I made in New York. As you know, we do have occasional moments of awkwardness. However, that fight we recently had was really rare.

Since so many people in our friend group ended up having feelings for each other (still suspecting Annie and Mikasa), we all made a rule that we'd all stay friends no matter what happened between us. Me and Armin were just the first one that had to start living by that rule. It's working out so far (not really). I still feared that both of us still had feeling for each other, but even if that was true, there was no way we could still be together.

Tonight we had a pretty big gig at this club. They hired us because they couldn't find a band to open for New Years and we happened to be available. Yeah yeah, we're in pretty high demand around the area. That's pretty rare for a band with all their members in highschool but we're pretty good. That's not me being cocky though (I am totally being cocky check us out on spotify). I had already been to this particular club and it was pretty great. Although, the memory attached to it is that we'd gotten drunk thanks to our fake IDs and I'd gone on stage for karaoke night. Sasha and Connie of course uploaded a video of it online though and it went kinda viral. So now there will forever be a video of me drunk-crying and singing an Adele song at the top of my lungs with the snickers of Connie and Sasha in the background. I'm pretty sure it was after my break-up with Armin. Gosh that was rough.

I wondered what Levi's doing for New Years. Maybe he'd be open to coming and watching the show. It had been a while since we'd spent some time together. I took out my phone and clicked on the messages app.

Me: Heyy

Levi: Yo

Me: Whatcha doing for New Years?

Levi: Nothing. Why celebrate me flipping the page on my calendar :/

Me: Shut up and be normal today. U wanna come see my band play at the club? It'd be fun

Levi: you*

Me: Coming or not?

Levi: Fine. I have nothing better to do anyways. What time should I pop by?

Me: We're playing from 11:00 to a bit after midnight. Come whenever.

Levi: I'll come around 11:30 then

Me: Cool :)

Levi: Cool

Me: Cool :)))

Levi: You wanna keep going?

Me: That's what she said

Levi: You. Are. A. Child.

The club was decorated with wild yellow and blue streamers and balloons and people were getting shitfaced down at the bar. It was messy but the energy was so great. We were all feeding off of it as people got more excited and rowdy. It was 11:42 and still no sign of Levi. It didn't matter though, there was still plenty of time. All we had really played so far were popular rock songs from the nineties but we were about to do one of my originals I had written a while back. It was by far our most popular song (going on 2 million streams hehe). But I hated it. It was the song that was inspired by my breakup with Armin. I'm pretty sure he knew that. I'm also pretty sure the rest of the band knew that. Fuck, everyone in my school probably knew what it was about. But no one really said anything. There was a weird tension between me and Armin whenever we would play this song. But as Sasha always says: "a good song is a good song" so we didn't waste it because it had weird 'feelings' associated with it. Connie and Sasha felt a lot of the tension too. I could tell cause they'd always weirdly exchange looks of discomfort. But lots of emotions always came over me whenever I'd sing it. I probably sounded insane. I avoided looking at Armin but it always became difficult since the song was about well... him. It was a bit of a tragic love letter about how suddenly everything ended and how I wish I could take everything back and all that bullshit. Pretty lame. Oh but don't worry, the performances are way more awkward than they sound.

I was scanning the crowd during Armin's guitar solo, searching for those steel grey eyes. And then I saw him, and he was looking right at me. I gave him a grin to which he playfully rolled his eyes before turning to one of his friends to speak to. I couldn't really tell what he was saying though. I recognized one of them from the Instagram story on his birthday. He was a tall guy with sandy hair. He looked a lot happier and more upbeat than Levi was but not to the point where it seemed like it would be annoying. He just seemed like the kind of guy that would be super enthusiastic about cheering you on at a sports game you were playing, and you could appreciate it. I couldn't say the same about his other friend though. She was a girl with fiery red hair in pigtails. She was around the same height as Levi which was surprising cause not a lot of people are the same height as him. She seemed pretty loud and touchy to everyone she came into contact with. Levi would frequently ruffle her hair in a teasing way. I could see that they were all extremely close.

It was only when his eyes fully locked into mine that I felt as though time had stopped in that brief moment. He was giving me this playful smirk that said: "Not bad". He wore a snug white dress shirt with short sleeves and black pants. His skin was glowing as the colourful lights painted his face and glimmered in his iris. He looked absolutely perfect. But it wasn't just tonight. He always looked perfect. When he takes a puff of my half smoked cigarette. When he rolls his eyes at Jean. Even in his somewhat drunken state of sleep deprivation. I can never really take my eyes off of him without feeling some sort of withdrawal because that's how intoxicating and addictive looking at him was. I would describe him as a painting in a museum. A beautiful painting telling a Shakespearean tale of love and tragedy. It was heart-wrenching but you still craved more as you got lost in the details of the peeling paint and how it somehow added to its beauty. I thought that the dark circles around Levi's eyes resembled the idea of that slightly peeling paint. I can't lie to myself anymore. I can't deny it anymore. I'm terrified, at the fact that I feel this way about someone again, but I'm starting to realize that a confession of feelings is long overdue, regardless of whether he feels the same way or not. He hates it when I pretend, but I'm pretending right now. I'm pretending I can go on as just friends. I'm pretending that his presence alone wasn't enough to make my heart flutter.

After the song finished, and the crowd clapped and shouted, I whispered to the rest of the band that I wanted to play a song we hadn't really planned on. It was an old one, but it described exactly how I felt at that moment. As I began singing, I made sure I never looked away from him, and I wiped that smug look that I usually wore, replacing it with the most sincere face I could muster. As I did this, and as I sang lyrics that described the process of falling in love with someone, the smirk he wore on his face faded too. We didn't have much time before the countdown. I kept my gaze locked with his, trying my best to make him understand that I was singing for him. Based on the way he was looking at me, eyes wide with panic, lips parted with shock, I could tell he knew. It was difficult to know whether he felt the same. It was hard to even believe he identified as straight after everything we'd been through, and every moment we shared. Maybe people can change, but that was often the excuse I kept making in my head whenever I was horny and wanted to hook up with a hetero guy.

Before I knew it, I was strumming the last chord, still giving him that look of desperation and sincerity that I had established at the beginning of the song. It was 11:56 and the manager of the club was giving us the signal to get off the stage. I eagerly put my guitar on the stand and jogged across the stage and down the stairs. Probably a bit too eagerly because my friends were staring at me in confusion as they exited at a moderate pace. I then pushed my way around the crowd, searching for Levi. He was still staring at the stage, with that same stupefied expression. I knew he knew I was right beside him because he was flinching whenever I made a small movement. I wasn't looking right at him either, too afraid to even think about the fact that I had just essentially told him how I felt a few moments ago. I focused my attention to the manager on the stage, who was standing in front of a large screen with numbers counting down from 60, yelling blurry nonsense in the microphone in an attempt to get the crowd hyped up. I wasn't processing what she was saying until she and the crowd began to count down from thirty. My throat felt dry and the weight of that moment was hitting me hard. My palms were sweaty and there I felt the tension between us getting tighter and more and more constricting.

"28, 27, 26..." everyone shouted.

"Levi! I need to say something!" I yelled over the crowd, quickly grasping his shoulders and turning him around to face me. He was shaking almost as much as I was and his eyebrows were arched in a look of worry and anticipation. Almost as if he knew exactly what I was going to say, but didn't want to believe it. So why did I keep going?

"What is it!?" he yelled back with a quiver in his fearful voice.

"19, 18, 17..." the mass continued.

"I'm scared because the last time I felt like this was when the whole thing happened and I don't know....I don't know if I should act on it!" I continued, my heartbeat somehow getting even louder and faster.

"Act on.." he paused, probably still trying to deny the fact that this was a confession. Probably still holding on to the idea that we were just friends. "Act on what?!"

"10, 9, 8...." it seemed like they were getting louder and louder, but less clear and less coherent.

"You're just..." I laughed in nervousness as I stammered. "you're so..".

"5, 4, 3..."

"Eren, I think I-"

But whatever he was about to say in that moment was cut short, because as the last count was shouted, and as the numerous people all cried out in celebration, I pulled him quickly by his waist, pressed him against my body, closed my eyes and kissed him.


	17. Chapter 17

We were indoors but it seemed like fireworks were exploding behind us brighter than any on the fourth of July. The sound of the overwhelming crowd was fading into what seemed like a chorus singing my favourite song. He wrapped his arms around my shoulders and I wrapped mine around his waist as we soaked up the contact of each other's touch in a passionate enclasp. I only realized we were touching tongues when I picked up the vague taste of a vodka soda. His fingers were wrapped in my hair, as he moved and turned in sync with me. I leaned in further into him, as if I could never be satisfied no matter how much I touched him. It was fast, it was rough but in a good way, and it was desperate. I felt like I was having a seizure with all the adrenaline running through my body as we pulled each other closer and tighter together. His lips were soft, submissive, but had a certain level of dominance to them, as they felt just as needy for my touch as mine were for his. It didn't seem like this instant would ever come to end. But it did. He pushed me off with the force of adrenaline pumping through his veins and didn't even take time to look at me as he said a blunt: "I'm drunk. Sorry." and frantically pulled his two friends, who had seen everything, toward the exit of the building. Oh fuck.

Idiot idiot idiot! What had I just done? He looked so scared. Of course he's scared, I'd be scared too if I was straight and some guy I thought was my friend kissed me! God what was I thinking? I wasn't. I have so majorly ruined everything. And now I don't even see myself staying friends with Levi. How could we? I overstepped and now it was all pointless.

The day after new years day, school started back up again and he wasn't there. The following day, he still wasn't there. And eventually the days all blended together into one seamless time period without Levi. I was truly beginning to understand what it was like for him those few weeks I disappeared. It didn't feel right sitting next to an empty seat and having no one to talk to. I had become so accustomed to tuning out Jean and Marco's incessant moaning so I'd be able to listen to Levi rave on about something he was passionate about. I missed the way we would scoff at me once in a while and make fun of the way some girls tried to ask me out in the middle of class and how I would awkwardly decline. I had ruined it all. What made it worse was the fact that I still wasn't sure about anything at this point. I think we can all agree that I still had feelings for Armin, and I had come to terms with the fact that I may never truly move on. Armin means everything to me and I just wanted to hold onto the possibility that maybe we could forgive and forget despite how impossible it was. And now with this ambiguity between Levi and I's relationship, things were getting even more confusing than they already were. Things wouldn't be like this if I could take back that goddamn kiss. But at the same time, it had felt so good, I didn't want to.

"Hey hippie. What's got your bun in a knot?" Jean teased laughing at his own joke but Marco gave him a glare making him stop.

"Shut up." I said in a low groan.

"I fucking called it. We all saw that New Years ki-"

"I said shut the hell up Jean!" I yelled, thankful that Mr. Bozad had somehow not noticed my shift in tone and given me detention. Jean was however uncontrollably laughing and that made all of it sting even harder.

"Jean, please. This is obviously taking a toll on Eren." Marco added, trying to refocus Jean on him by tilting his chin gently. "Eren it's not a big deal trust me. You shouldn't let this get to you because last time you acted like this was when the whole....thing happened and look where that led you" Marco said. His voice exuded the feeling that he was trying to understand and wanted to help. I also didn't want things to end up like they did after the thing so I decided that I would suck it up. So what if Levi didn't like me back? So what if he was a bit weirded out? This wasn't that big of a deal and it was just an innocent New Years kiss. Just like I couldn't avoid this class forever, neither could he, and when he'd come back, I'd tell him that it was just a heat of the moment kind of thing. I really liked Levi, but if he didn't feel the same, I'm sure I could get over it. I was fine being just friends with him because I just wanted to be around him. He made things so chilled out and that was huge for me because I always feel like I'm living life at a thousand degree heat intensity. 

All I could really think about was him. But I felt guilty because I would replay our kiss in my head on a constant basis. I know I should be feeling guilty, and I was no question about it, but I didn't regret a single thing. Something about it told me that it shouldn't have happened any other way. My entire friend group had seen it. It had gone on for minutes after the countdown so after they were done their business they all managed to find me and when they did, they walked in on it. I felt embarassed when I looked back on all the times I had denied my feelings for him.

Finally, to my relief, as mid January began approaching, he was finally there, sitting on his desk, sketching in his sketchbook. He was fidgeting a bit again. I assumed he hadn't really slept though because he looked like he was struggling to keep his eyes open as he did fine detals on his drawing. He also looked like he had lost a lot of weight. Actually, now that I was really paying attention, he was in pretty bad shape right now. He had this vacant look in his eyes that sent chills up my spine. I took a deep breath in. Luckily I wouldn't be scolded by Mr. Stick-up-his-ass because I was actually on time today. In fact I was pretty punctual ever since Levi's disappearance. I guess I was waiting for him to show up. Here goes nothing.

I walked toward the back of the classroom. And when I sat down, I knew he was ignoring me because there was no way in hell we couldn't see me through the corner of his eye. I was going to say something but was interrupted by the teacher commencing his lecture and overwhelming my ears with the unbearable sound of his voice. Levi still wasn't even acknowledging my existence. I knew I would give him an explanation when we would start the work period, but it felt so long waiting for it to come. This wasn't the longest lesson we had received but it still felt like an eternity as anxiety bubbled up inside my chest. Finally, when the work period did come, and the tension was at its peak, I would get the chance to say something.

"You're back." I said, unable to mask the concern in my voice since he looked even worse up close.

"Yeah." He said coldly. I took one last deep breath and mentally prepared myself to do this. I had to set things straight.

"Um...Levi, about New Years I just wanted to say-"

"Jaeger. I'm tired. I would honestly rather kill myself than of have a drawn out conversation about this. It's fine lets just pretend it never happened." he said nonchalantly now turning to face me. He was wearing the same expression he had when we first met. I felt a bit hurt, but in the end, I knew that that was the only option we had if I intended to keep him as a friend.

"Levi I'm really sorry I don't know why I-"

"It's fine. Let's move on." he interrupted, keeping that coldness.

"You don't look so good. Do you need any-"

"Jesus fucking Christ. Wait to state the obvious. Don't worry about it. It's none of your fucking business anyways." he was agitated now, and despite how much those words dug into my heart, I decided I would ignore it and just leave it be.

"Alright. I'm sorry." there was an agonizing silence between us and the chatter of the classroom filled it. "I'm finished the book you recommended me last. Any other suggestions?" I asked in a slightly more casual voice. If this was how it was going to be then this was how it was going to be. At least we were on speaking terms.

Our conversation continued and we were back to talking like we usually did. Making small talk, chatting about what we did prior to the class, and as things progressed, everything began to shift back to a normal dialogue between the two of us. I can't say the days following that were all good though. I had noticed that he had been looking worse and worse. He was less responsive, he looked really pale all the time, and he was basically always sleeping in class. That was usually exactly how Armin looked when his parents were fighting, and he wasn't sleeping for days straight. I was getting more and more worried about Levi and he always refused any help when I offered. He wouldn't give me little half-assed compliments anymore, and he wouldn't tease me as much as he used to. I was relieved to see we at least went back to doing our little thing in the morning in the back of the school but I grew even more disturbed when I saw he wasn't taking little puffs from my cigarette anymore. He was smoking 5 of them in a row and remembering how he lectured me on how bad they were, it added to my list of concerns I held for him. Although our conversations ran relatively smoothly, we didn't have those little moments that I appreciated between us. I was constantly tip-toeing around him because I didn't want to scare him off again. I couldn't blow it.

I didn't have Math with Levi today, yet I was still waiting in the back of the school to meet him every morning as I usually did. However, that particular morning, class was about to start and there was still no sign of him. He usually arrived here about 10 minutes before we actually had to go inside so this was odd. I decided I would wait for him for a few minutes because I couldn't help but feel slightly paranoid. Maybe his sleep issues had finally caught up with him. Everyday appeared like he had gone deeper into whatever little hole he had dug himself into. His way of speaking became more incoherent which was really unlike Levi and I often found myself asking him to repeat himself since his sentences would drift off into little mumbles or just cut off randomly. His eyes were gradually turning a bloodshot red and he looked like he was on the verge of death, so I wouldn't be surprised if that was the case. About 15 minutes after the bell rang for class to start, I saw a small, slim figure dressed in nothing but sweat pants and a plain white tank top (which was odd considering the weather) walking in a wobbly motion toward the school, barely keeping his balance. I wondered if maybe I should go and help him? I didn't even get the chance to think over my decision, because he slowed down a bit, before finally crashing on the tarmac helplessly, sure to leave a bruise on his head.

"Levi!"


	18. Chapter 18

"Levi!" I cried out as I jumped to my feet and sprinted over to his partially unconscious body. I grabbed his face with both hands, grazing one over the part of his head that was bleeding from the fall. I tried opening his eyelids leading to him fluttering them and coming back to reality, gracefully.

"Eren?" he said with a raspy voice. I pushed his hair out of his face to give him some air and touched his forehead to check if he had a fever. Flaming to the touch.

"Shit! Levi you're burning up!" He turned away, slanting his eyebrows and avoiding eye contact. I stood up with him as he weekly attempted to get off the ground but miserably failed as he ended up collapsing back into my arms that were already prepared to catch him. He felt so much thinner. I swung one of his arms around my neck, wrapped my right arm around his waist, lifted his legs with my other and began walking to my car. It resembled the way grooms carried out brides in shitty romcoms. He tried to fight a little but it was no use as what appeared to be little shots of pain in his head would interrupt him. He rested his head against my chest, closed his eyes and squeezed my shirt in his free hand. "I'm taking you to Hospital."

"No!" he said in a grating voice. He looked angry and was still trying to come off as tough despite his current state. I stopped and stood in place. "C-can we just..." he panted short, quick and desperate breaths, and held tighter onto my shirt, like he was enduring something and fighting not to lose consciousness. "Can we just stay here?" he pleaded.

"Absolutely not! Look at you!" I yelled, angry that he was denying himself help. Angry that he was destroying himself in the first place. I didn't even know why he was doing this but I was angry.

"I just can't Jaeger. Please I'm fi-" but he didn't even get the chance to finish his own sentence as he hissed in pain and began choking on his words. It was that spot in his head again. I then began walking again at an even faster pace as he slowly gave up and rested his head back against my chest. It seemed like his hold on my shirt just kept getting tighter.

"When was the last time you slept more than two hour?" He didn't say anything. "When Levi?" I said more sternly. Still nothing. "Levi I swear to God."

"8 days." he replied with a hint of shame.

"Jesus."

"Please Jaeger. Don't bring me to that place. It's not even that big of a deal." he cried out in exasperation with a clear tone of fury.

"I have to, Levi."I was trying to get the message across that he wouldn't easily bully me out of this. I opened my car door and laid him down gently in the back seat. He didn't seem to want to let go of me but he had to in the end since physically removed his fingers that clenched on my T-shirt. Before I closed the door, I rushed to the trunk and took out a blanket I had from the last road trip I took with Mikasa and flung it over him.

"I don't need this thing! If you take me to the hospital I swear to god I'm gonna-" he raged, but didn't even manage to continue as I saw his eyes roll back in his head.

"Levi!" I said slapping him on the cheek lightly. His eyes widened suddenly and I sighed in relief that he was alright. Well he wasn't alright but he was conscious.

"No hospital." he groaned.

"Levi I'm not budging. You haven't been sleeping at all. Based on the weight you've lost this past week I know you haven't been eating either. I fear that if I just left you alone and let you keep doing this, you would die. So you're not convincing me." he gave me a hateful glare as he subconsciously pulled up the blanket to his neck. I returned to the trunk to retrieve a clean cloth I had lying a round, took my water bottle out of my backpack and drenched the cloth with cool water. I then crawled up toward him and pushed his hair out of his face again. I pressed the cloth lightly against the bleeding spot on his head and he made a sound suggesting it was painful. I wiped away all the blood and told him to keep it there till we got to the hospital. It seemed my hand had a mind of its own as it slowly began caressing his cheek. It didn't seem like it was unusual for either of us. It felt appropriate. He still glared at me but he didn't move my hand or anything as I furrowed my eyebrows in concern. Eventually, he couldn't maintain his grimace and it melded to an expression similar to mine. I couldn't help but stare into his pained eyes and admire how beautiful he remained despite being in such a fragile and dire condition. I had to snap out of it though. I had to get him medical attention soon. When I got in the driver's and got on the main road, seat I struggled to keep my eyes on the road because I kept checking up on him through the rear view mirror.

We eventually made it to the hospital and I felt bad taking him out of the car because he had actually managed to fall asleep for a bit. I carried him out as I was doing before and ran to the hospital entrance in a hurry.

"Could someone get him in an emergency room please?!" I projected throughout the entire room as I rushed through the automatic doors of the hospital. Eyes shot up at the sight of Levi in my arms. He seemed to be getting more and more anxious as we went further in and covered his eyes in his palms.

"Alright alright calm down. What happened?" The nurse asked calmly as she stood up from her chair and made her way over to us. The sound of her voice seemed to trigger something in him because he unusually began breathing at a rapid and agressive speed.

"He hasn't eaten properly in over a week and he hasn't slept either. When I saw him walking to school he collapsed right in front of me." the nurse was getting a good look at the soon to be bruised spot on his forehead.

"Alright we'll take care of him. And what is your relationship with him?" She said as she began gesturing to the staff to roll over a hospital bed.

"He's my friend." even the nurse didn't seem convinced with that bullshit answer. I tried to lay him down on the bed but I couldn't because he was now fully wrapped around my neck and holding on for dear life.

"Eren!! Eren please! Don't let me go please Eren I can't go in there! Take me back!" He hollered out, tears forming in his eyes. I wasn't expecting this. It was so out of character for him considering how grounded he was all the time. I never would've thought it would be that difficult to let him go in that moment. For some reason, he clearly seemed to really hate hospitals. I used to see him as unbreakable, and sometimes, not even human. But this desperate plea and dramatic display of his fears showed me that he was just like me. Flesh and blood with irrational fears and unpredictable emotions. His cries got louder and more and more desperate as he weakly resisted, igniting a bit of anxiety in even me. The nurses ended up having to restrain him but he managed to latch on to my hand before he could be rolled away. I walked along side him not only because I was forced to by the grip of his hand, but because I couldn't find it in me to just walk away. I hated seeing him like this, but his delicate touch made my ears hot. I was positive the people in the waiting room were staring at us in shock, but I didn't care. I just wanted to make sure Levi was ok. It then struck me like a lightning bolt when I realized how much I had actually come to care for him.

They ended up having to hook him up to the IV and they did a few tests here and there. He squeezed my hand like a child to a stuffed animal everytime he had to get needles. All in all they concluded that he needed to stay for awhile and that he would be fine with rest and food. I called my mom letting her know that I was staying with him until visiting hours were over and that I would skip school today. What kind of made me sad was that Levi didn't have anyone to call besides an uncle that lived on the other side of the country. He would nearly start crying when I left him though. I didn't want him to be alone, but I didn't want him to just have hospital food. That shit was gross. I made sure to get some of his favourite stuff to eat like sushi and some black tea. He seemed to appreciate the gestures despite giving me angry glances.

The next morning, I had come back with some more food. He was wide awake and he didn't look like he had slept at all the previous night.

"Good morning Levi." I said in a somewhat cheery tone, putting a breakfast sandwich and some more tea beside his bed. He turned on his side opposite to me, and remained silent. "Levi." Nothing. "Well fine. I got you some breakfast so please eat. I'm not leaving till you do so I'd appreciate it if you got on with it so I'm not late for school." still nothing. I sighed as I took the food out of the bag, dragged a chair noisily across the room and set it down in front of where he was facing. He stared at me vengefully as I sat down and waved the sandwich over his nose playfully. "Leviiiii. Please eat me. I'm very tasty and Eren woke up very early to get me just for you." I taunted in a high pitched voice, playing the role of the sandwich. His bitter look was getting more intense. "Pretty please Leviiiiii. I was made just for youuu. And if you don't eat me then they'll have to feed you through a tu-"

"Fine! Just shut the fuck up!" he yelled as he aggressively snatched the sandwich out of my hand and took a big bite. I smiled with satisfaction and leaned back in my chair. I made sure to stay until he finished the entire thing. He seemed to be struggling to swallow but he was able to do it in the end, and he drank his tea happily afterwards.

"Good job." I said. He groaned then turned away again. "I'm gonna go to school now. I'll make sure the school knows you have a valid reason for being absent." It was difficult not to stay behind but I know I didn't have a choice.

I couldn't really focus in any of my classes. I was texting Levi and asking if he was ok on a constant basis. He never actually responded and left me on delivered even though I knew he was seeing this stuff. But hey at least this was distracting me from the 'Kissed him on New Years' drama. Actually come to think of it, no it wasn't. What if that was the whole reason he was doing this to himself? A lot of people find kisses to be really intimate and personal. It's not that big a deal to me but maybe I should've been more considerate towards him. I was no stranger to people taking advantage of my body. Perhaps I had done this to him. Oh shit. I'm an awful person. And it didn't help the fact that no matter what, even though I know Levi doesn't like me in that way, I couldn't help the buzzing sensation in my chest when I thought of the way he depended on the feeling of my hand in his for security. It must have been platonic for him, but it wasn't for me.

"You good Eren?" Sasha asked, snapping me back into reality before I got too lost in thought. She leaned against our shared locker.

"Yeah." I answered.

"No you're not. Wanna talk?" She asked as she put her hand on my shoulder. Sasha and always had each other's back. She was really chill and you knew you could trust her to talk about anything without her overreacting or making things weird. There was a genuineness to the way she gave you advice. But I wasn't really in a position to talk to her about this.

"It's alright Sasha I'm good I'm just really tired." I said with a half grin.

"Oh you just need to get your blood sugar up!" she exclaimed, slamming the locker open and fumbling around. "I have just the thing! Nicolo made me an extra batch of cookies!" 'Nicolo huh?' I thought to myself. She then handed me a small chocolate chip cookie with a wide smile plastered on her face.

"Thanks." I chuckled. "Hey I've been meaning to tell you guys but I'm not coming to practice for a while. I've gotta help my mom with something after school."

"Dude! We need you and your big Mozart brain! We have a show coming up soon and Armin says we need to be a bit more polished." she pouted.

"Then listen to Armin. He's just as good as I am if not better with band stuff. Here." I said as I gave her a notebook. "I made some notes for what I thought we needed work on for this week." she sighed and took it. I gave her a smile and apologized a decent amount of times before getting to my last class of the day. Of course I didn't have to help my mom with anything this week. I planned on going to the hospital right after school everyday until Levi was out. And that was exactly what I did. But when I got there and saw that someone else was in his room I panicked. I jumped to the worst conclusions and even assumed that he might be dead. But the nurse had explained that he had been moved to a special area for patients being treated for anorexia nervosa. Oh lord.

"I'm ba-ack!" I sang as I waltzed in his new room with a seafood salad and some more of Levi's favourite tea. He was staring blankly at the wall, a grimace on his face even longer than when I left this morning. "Is something wrong?" I asked. He slowly turned his head and gave me a detah stare similar to the ones Mikasa gives sometimes. Almost uncanny actually.

"They put a fucking tube in me. And they had this stupid fucking therapist lady come and talk to me." he said coldy, almost as if he could murder someone in that moment. I then noticed the small tube in his nose and sighed loudly.

"Well that probably means that you didn't eat your lunch. Did you, eat your lunch Levi?"

"No! Fucking hospital food sucks. Little shits can't cook if their life depended on it."

"First of all you gotta eat if you wanna get out anytime soon and if you don't want a feeding tube. And second of all, those 'little shits' are doing their best to put up with you and get you better."

"I'm fine."

"Really?"

"Whatever."

"How are you even still awake? You're exhausted."

"Gee, I don't fucking know. Maybe it has something to do with being forced into a shitty fucking builiding that reeks of fucking death and fucking illnesses against my own fucking will and having a plastic fucking cylinder shoved into me by a bunch of fucking nurses who are way to fucking handsy if you ask me! " he yelled.

"That was 8 by the way."

"8 what?"

"8 f-bombs."

"Fuck off!"

"Make that nine." He gave me a childish huff before turning away. "Why can't you sleep Levi? Really." I asked, changing my tone from playfulness to sincerity. He continued to glare at the wall in front of him. It looked like he was imagining how he would obliterate the nurses in his mind. The memory of Armin's constant tiredness from a few years ago was becoming clearer and appeared frequently as I looked at him.

"I don't know." he mumbled. I sighed once again for what seemed like the millionth time today, set down the food on the side table next to him and sat on the bed next to him. He looked off even more, avoiding my stare. I took his jaw delicately and turned his head so he would finally face me. He still looked rather hateful. Should I? It would be to help him sleep. It worked every time with Armin.

"Turn around." I said.

"Why?"

"Just trust me." He hesitantly turned on his side and I laid down on the empty space on the bed. I felt him become rigid as I enfolded my arms around him. He felt so frail. I played with his hair and gently caressed one of his hands with my thumb, filling the silence in the room with nothing but breaths and the sound of the heart monitor. It took a few minutes, but he wasn't tense anymore. But I had something to say before I let him drift off.

"I'm sorry. " I said softly into his neck, holding back a quiver in my voice as much as I could.

"For what?" he asked.

"I crossed the line. I was selfish. You clearly saw us as just friends and that night I took things way too far. " There was a silence as the suspense of his awaited answer to my apology lingered in the air. But then, I felt his body shake as I heard the sounds of chuckling. I was confused because I honestly didn't know what was so funny.

"Jesus. You really crack me up sometimes you know?" he said through his laughter.

"What do you mean? What's so funny?"

"Do you even know what we look like right now? I wouldn't let anybody else do this you know?" he continued. It was then I was fully conscious of the spooning position we were in. "So you're telling me that even though, I drunkenly admitted to me finding you attractive, insisted on kissing you in the closet, wore your hoodie and literally cuddled with you in a fucking car at a drive-in movie, and I even made out with you on New Years for a solid two minutes, yet you still think your feelings are unrequited?" he continued.

"So you mean..."

"You seriously haven't caught on to the fact that I'm just a really sexually confused bastard who's avoiding their feelings for you? I've been slowly killing myself because I don't know how the fuck to deal with emotions and shit. That's not me Jaeger. I don't know why but you make me act so...weird. You're smart, but you're oblivious to the fact that I'm doing this because I'm too much of a coward to admit that I....whatever you get the idea." He shuffled in his bed to face me. He looked dead serious. My lips curled up into a smile of disbelief as I began to realize just what he was telling me. I felt like I was having a heart attack. "Eren" he said, touching my hand. My heart was pulsating quicker than ever before as I anticipated whatever he was preparing to tell me. "I might have been wasted, but God, I really meant it when I said you were pretty you know?"


	19. Chapter 19

Levi stayed in the hospital for another two and a half weeks. February was a few days away and snow began melting as the days became more pleasant and warm. He looked a lot better each time I saw him. He didn’t really question me or fight whenever I’d bring him food anymore. We wouldn’t really speak all that much, but it wasn’t awkward or anything. I’d just come in the mornings and after school and stay for a couple hours watching a movie on my computer with him or just keeping him company. We’d snuggle up to each other and give each other light pecks on each other's hands as well as necks and cheeks, yet our relationship was so ambiguous and undefined. Things were okay for us right now and I didn’t want to ruin anything like I did last time so I just let it be, but I knew that eventually we’d have to talk about where we stood. I’d try and get him to sleep sometimes before I left but he’d always wake up whenever I let him go so I had the doctors bring in a sleep therapist which Levi insulted shamelessly, so they just gave him melatonin and some drugs.

“Wow. You forget how real oxygen smells like when all you’ve been breathing is hospital air for two weeks.” he said, squinting and holding his hand up to the sun.

“You look like yourself again.” I spoke as I struggled to hide the grin forming on my face. It was refreshing seeing him in his regular clothing instead of that hospital gown.

“Tch! Whatever. I still don’t know why they needed to bring me out in a wheelchair.”

“You seem a bit tired today. Did you not sleep again? I would’ve stayed with you but you know how they are about visiting hours.” I brought his hand to my face and kissed it gently. He didn’t protest but his eyes would trail off whenever I’d do something remotely similar to that action. I know I seem a bit to physical for our relationship status at the moment, but touch was just how I expressed my affection for someone, so it was frequent. Levi was different. I noticed that he used his words a lot more, and it took him time to be comfortable enough to be able to touch you.

“Yeah. It’s fine I got a couple hours.” I didn’t really wanna leave Levi alone. I didn’t trust him to take care of himself yet.

“Hey, I don’t know if you're comfortable but maybe you could come to my house for a bit. You seem like you’re still not 100 percent so I could make you something to eat or something and we could just chill for a bit.”

“Ooo Jaeger’s trying to get me alone.” he teased. 

“Levi.” 

“Fine fine I get it. You’re worried I’ll relapse into all that funk again or some shit like that right?”

“I really can’t get anything passed you can I?” I said, touching the back of my neck and chuckling.

It was late-morning and my parents weren’t home. They never are during this time of day. I’m pretty sure my mom was volunteering somewhere to keep herself busy and you know how occupied my dad can be with work. It was a school day but I had taken the day off to come and pick Levi up and make sure he got home safe and okay. 

He had slept a bit in the car as I played a bit of R&B. I found it adorable that he could hum in his sleep sometimes. I was surprised Levi didn’t have any prior musical training because he had a rather good ear. Once we got in the house, I led him upstairs and told him that he could sleep on my bed. I had some homework to catch up on so I’d just do some studying on my desk. He eventually ended up crashing on the bed and turning toward the wall.

“Do you want some more comfortable clothes?” I asked innocently.

“Sure.” He replied, not even bothering to turn around. I rummaged through my drawers to find the smallest pair of sweatpants and a hoodie I had, but even those would be too big for him. I giggled at that thought. He got out of the room to change, but when he came back I saw just how enormous they were on him.

“Awww wook how adowable you are.” I said in a teasing baby voice.

“Shut up.” he blushed a bit before he crashed back down onto the bed and turned to the wall just like he previously was.

“Anything you feel like eating in particular?” I asked.

“I’m not picky.” I nodded before walking out and jogging down the stairs to the kitchen.

While I was getting everything ready, all I could really think about was how and when I should bring up the subject of our relationship. Would it be the right time and how would he react? Were we exclusive? I sure didn’t see myself being like that with anyone else. Perhaps he wasn’t really looking for anything like that, and me probably being the first guy he’s been like this with should be strange enough as it is. It’s a conversation I cringed at the thought of having, but there was no way either of us were getting out of this. We were both just waiting for whoever would bring it up first, and knowing how stubborn he is, it would probably end up being me.

I came back with a grilled cheese sandwich in one hand and a tall glass of water in the other.

“Here you go.” I said handing them to him as he sat up and shuffled to one side of the bed. I took that as a subtle hint that he wanted me to fill that empty space beside him. He watched a movie on his phone and I finished an essay I had due for History. I thought it was sweet that sometimes he’d pause the movie and look at my work, giving me little corrections and pointing out what he thought was a smart choice of words. It was flattering and somewhat humbling as well. 

“I’m tired.” he said, turning off his phone and turning on his side. Well, half an hour passed, and I could tell he wasn’t really sleeping because he kept fidgeting and he was sneezing lots. I knew he was too stubborn to ask but I knew what he wanted. I sighed, put away my laptop on my desk, and lazily laid back down on the bed, putting my arms around him again.

“It took you long enough.” he said groggily. 

“Sleep.” I whispered, my nose slightly touching his ear piercing, as I began stroking his hair. With every second that passed, his breathing became a bit slower and soon I could hear the comforting sounds sleeping Levi in my arms.

We lay there for hours upon hours as he dreamt whatever someone like Levi dreams about, and I struggled to get my thoughts together. I really liked him, but I still thought of Armin constantly. He was like an itch in my mind that could never be scratched and I didn’t know what to do with myself. Me and Armin were more than likely to never get back together. Hell, it's almost a guarantee. Our relationship was so destroyed after what happened it seemed near impossible. But I couldn’t shake this feeling. Did I like Levi for Levi, or was it just the fact that he strangely reminded me so much of someone I had such deep feelings for?

Suddenly, his slow breathing quickened and Levi, who had managed to end up resting his head on my chest, turned his head to look up at me who was still twirling my fingers in his locks of ebony hair. He crashed back onto me and let out a low groan. 

“What time is it?” he said groggily. 

“Around 4 in the afternoon.” I replied. He lifted himself up and stood to his feet, running his hands through his hair. We looked at each other for a brief moment before he turned away, picking up the dirty dishes that were sitting on my desk and making his way out of my room, down the stairs and to the kitchen.

“Where’s your tea?” He hollered from the kitchen plainly. 

“In the cabinet.” I replied. That was followed by the sounds of cabinets opening and closing as well as water boiling on the stove. I had just returned to my essay. After a good 10 minutes, he came back in the room with two cups of hot beverage. He handed me one of them and sat back down on the bed sloppily, rubbing his eyes while simultaneously taking a sip. My eyes widened as I was surprised at how tasty it was. 

“Did you switch out the tea in my house for the one at Buckingham palace?” I asked. 

“My mom used to make it even better. When I told her I wanted to start drinking coffee to seem more adult, she called it a liquified addiction and made me tea instead.” He said. Now more than ever seemed like a good time to finally clear things up. Both of us seemed to be in the right state of mind, he was finally healthy again, and we had been in this grey area for far too long.

“Do you mind if we talk about it now?” I asked sheepishly.

“Talk about what?” he asked, looking blankly at the wall and taking another sip of tea.

“You know what Levi.” I replied somewhat sternly.

He took yet another sip and sighed before replying with a simple: “Oh.” He then got up from the bed and placed his cup underneath a coaster on my desk as he gathered his things. “ Then yes, I do mind.” He continued, as he walked out of the doorframe of my room and made his way down the stairs once again. I of course followed and was slightly infuriated by his reaction and answer.

“So that’s it then? We’re just not gonna-”

“That’s right.” he replied nonchalantly as he approached the main entrance. Before he could go any further, I grabbed him by the wrist and turned him around. He had this expressionless look in his eyes. “What exactly is there to talk about?”

“Oh would you stop being like that? You could tell me that you aren’t looking for anything I’d be fine with that. You could also tell me how you feel about us being in an actual relationship, but you can’t ignore it.” Based on his subtle change in expression, and the way he flinched at the word ‘relationship’, I kind of regretted my choice of words. Perhaps committment was to much to be talking about right now.

“You’re really not gonna let this go are you?” he asked. I shook my head in response. “Fine. Like I kind of implied, I have feelings for you Eren.” Embarrassment intensified as I felt my cheeks turn visibly red. Hearing those words come out of his mouth was all I could wish to hear in that moment. “But this is all so new to me and, I don’t really do the whole relationship thing anymore. Sorry but this is the furthest it can go.” He continued. After finding out he had dated Petra, it was pretty easy to guess why he would react like that.

“Well where do we go from here then?” By now, my face had become so hot I feared I might start sweating. I’m sure it showed too. 

“Tch!” he tugged his wrist free from my hand and opened the door to my house. I didn’t know what more I could say.

“Just check your pockets. I’ll see you at school.” he said without turning to face me and just like that, he left. Was he going to walk home? I wasn’t sure how far he lived. I wanted to follow him but something was telling me not to. I then reached into my pockets to find a small, crumpled piece of paper. I opened it and saw that on it was written an address. His address.


	20. Chapter 20

“Liebchen, we are so proud of you! If you bring home another one of these, that guitar will be as good as yours!” my mother squealed as she held up my honour roll certificate. I blushed a bit. I was proud of myself. I was finally starting to understand why Armin and Mikasa found satisfaction out of good grades. It feels good knowing the world isn’t disappointed in you and that you’re not as much of a dumbass as you thought you were. Mom made me my favourite food and we all celebrate. Mikasa was especially proud of me. It was moments like these I really knew that all this protectiveness and obsessiveness from her was her way of showing she really cared about me the most. No matter what bullshit I might be going through in my life, she was kind of like my rock. She was always the most consistent thing in my life.

Me: Check it out

I then texted Levi a picture of my certificate. 

Levi: I’m not surprised. I always tell you that you’re smarter than you think.

Me: Stop. U sound like Mikasa

Levi: You*

Me: Whatever. Wanna hang out soon?

Levi: Maybe later, I’m working on something right now.

Me: Oh? Art related or school related

Levi: Doesn't matter.

Me: Can I trust you to eat today or do I have to stop by? I haven’t seen your house yet :)

Levi: It's fine, I ate. 

Me: Good. I’ll see u at school tomorrow then. I gtg to band practice.

Levi: You*

Me: **rolld eyes**

“I’m out guys.” I said as I hopped up from the couch and grabbed my guitar case that was sitting near the entrance. 

“Before you go, son, did you have someone over while we were gone?” My dad asked as he walked in from the kitchen. I saw Mikasa raise an eyebrow and glance over at me.

“Uh, what makes you say that?” I replied. 

“I found some clothes that were way too small to be yours in your room.” Oh fuck. I just remembered that Levi had forgotten to change out of my clothes I had given him that day.

“Um that’s not what it looks like! I swear I was just-” I said frantically. 

“Gross.” Mikasa scowled.

“But we didn’t do anything like that I promise I-”

“Son, I don’t care about what you do in your romantic life, but do try and be more careful about us finding out. What we don’t know can't hurt us yeah?” My dad added as he placed his hand on my shoulder. I was so flustered by now. I can’t believe that I had been so careless as to leave his clothes over there. Nothing happened of course but the fact that my parents thought it did made me so uncomfortable. It was also weird how liberal my parents were about it. 

“Just use protection!” my mother hollered from the kitchen.

“Bye!” I shreiked as I rushed out of the door.”

Band practice went relatively well today. I was grateful to Armin for that because it probably wouldn’t have if he didn’t cover for me this week. He doesn't really take the lead whenever I’m here but I honestly think he should. He’s the most talented person I know when it comes to this.

“So where were you then?” Asked Jean interrogatively. I shrugged my shoulders at the question and kept casually playing random stuff on my guitar. “Come on, we know you weren’t helping your mom with anything. Mikasa said so. So what the hell were you so busy with? Oh my god Sasha can you stop all the noise I’m trying to pressure Eren!” He screamed as Sasha loudly and playfully banged on her drum kit. She goofily giggled before putting away her sticks and packing up her snare.

“It's okay Jean. Eren wouldn’t miss band practice unless it was something important. Maybe it's personal and he doesn't feel the need to share.” Marco added. He was seated on Jean's lap and was doing little braids in his hair. “Right Eren?” I shrugged again and just kept goofing off. I didn’t really intend to let them in on this. It wasn’t my place to tell them Levi had been at the hospital. 

“Well it's fine cause Armin was even pickier than you usually are so he kept us in shape.” Said Connie as he continued to play meme music on his bass. It was getting annoying but he’d stop soon so I’ll just let him get it out of his system.

“I think I have a theory about where Eren was?” Armin said somewhat passive aggressively.

“Oh?” Sasha said.

“I have AP science with Ackerman and he hasn’t been in for weeks.” he continued. I suddenly stopped playing and became frozen. “Now he’s back and so is Eren, and they were awfully touchy in the halls today if you ask me.” his voice was filled with sarcasm and false innocence. I couldn’t really expect anything less from Armin though, he’s really smart and it would be easy for him to figure something like that out.

“Ha!” Jean let out. I was well aware of what he was implying with that smirk. 

“Shut the hell up Jean! It’s not like that.” I snapped. The only reason I was closer with Levi in the halls was because I was checking up on him and making sure he ate or slept. I kind of noticed that Connie and Sasha had snuck out of the studio, probably in fear of witnessing another one of me and Armin’s weird ass fights. 

“Why was Ackerman out for two weeks Eren?” Armin asked.

“It's none of your goddamn business.” I hissed. 

“Why are you even trying to hide it at this point? Everyone knows.”

“Armin. I don’t have patience for this right now!” 

“I could go all day. Hmmm, I wonder if that’s what Levi said to you.” he said snarkily. 

“Shut up! If I said its not like that its not like that! You think you know everything but you don't know shit!” I said standing up and clenching my fists. I hated it when Armin was in this mood. It was the one side of him I really didn’t like and it was coming out quite often now. 

“I think I know a lot more than you think I do!” he stood up as well in the same combative stance.

“Not this again.” I heard Marco mumble.

“Well whatever! Why can’t you just leave it alone!” I exclaimed. 

“I’ll leave it alone when you stop pretending like its not written all over your face!” Armin said. 

“Alright break it up before you say you still love each other again!” Jean screamed as he removed Marco from his lap and stood in between us. “I got a tournament and Marco has a meeting. I don’t want to leave you two alone fighting so can you promise that you’ll just walk away and move on!” he finished. I took a deep breath and stormed out of the room. I can’t believe he brought out that side of me again. He always knows how to get to me. I felt myself sinking into another episode so I had to count backwards from 100 in my car before I started driving. Thank god it worked, but I was still so fucking pissed. Every time I saw that Armin was jealous, it confused me even more about my feelings for him.

As time eventually went on, Levi and I could be seen together more and more frequently. He seemed to be in the right headspace now and it made me happy to slowly see him become himself again. He started looking just as muscular as he used to which meant he was taking care of himself. I’d of course bring an extra lunch to make sure he was eating and we’d hang out sometimes after school. When we got touchy, it wasn’t anything too big. We hadn’t directly kissed on the lips since New Years, but just like in the hospital, we would exchange little pecks in private. He said he wasn’t really comfortable having a committed relationship, which I of course respected, but it was still frustrating. There was something so familiar yet unpredictable about the way I felt about him. Deep down I wondered if I would screw this up like I did with Armin, but I just couldn’t turn away. I’d be lying if I said I didn't want more.


	21. Chapter 21

Sunday finally rolled around, and it was the one day of the week I generally had nothing to do, so I made little plans in my head for how I would spend it as the morning light peered through my window. But I received an unexpected call. It was Armin. 

I became slightly nervous. What did he need? And we hadn’t really made up after our last fight. He had been ignoring me at school and at band practice but still showed up I guess. Reluctantly, after waiting for a few rings, I picked up the phone. 

“Hello?” I said groggily, seeing as I had just gotten up. 

“Hey Eren.” I missed hearing that voice through the phone. I also missed the Armin that I usually knew, who wasn’t jealous and passive. I rarely get calls from him anymore so it felt good. “I heard there was a new art gallery around the corner and I figured we could go check it out. I’ll buy you lunch on the way as a way to kind of say sorry for blowing up on you last time.” he said cheerily. I always liked art. It made it really easy to write music. I was absolutely shit at it. But Armin knew how to do it. Really well too. I guess that's another thing him and Levi shared in common. He would always make these really beautiful drawings of me when we were together. I always thought he made me look alot better than I actually did. 

“Yeah. Sounds fun. I’ll pick you up in a half hour?” I replied. 

“Alright sounds good. See ya then.” A beeping tone followed meaning he had hung up. I let out a sigh and had a slight smile formed on my lips at the thought that we had made up and we were gonna hang out. Well, I better get ready.

I knew the way to his house all too well. I used to go there every night to make sure he’d be sleeping so it was almost like second nature to me even after all this time. I rang the doorbell and there he was, leaning against the doorframe with his usual expression. This was probably the first time we were hanging out alone since we had broken up. I still wasn’t used to his new look. I missed his hair when it was longer but this looked just as good on him. I always felt like there were two Armins. Not look-wise, personality-wise. I had fallen in love with both but I have to say that this one was a lot more pleasant than the one I would fight with. And I felt like I probably couldn’t pick up or carry him as easily now that he was a lot more muscle mass. My lips naturally formed into a smile as they always did when I was around him. He had his hands in pockets of his blue jeans and was wearing that shirt I always said looked good on him. It looked different on him now though. He fit into it a lot better since it used to be overly baggy on him. 

“Ready to go?” he said as he tilted his head slightly. 

“Yep.” I replied as enthusiastically as I could to match his happy go-lucky style of speaking. 

The car ride wasn’t long. It was maybe around 20 minutes. I played my mess of a playlist and caught him bopping his head a few times to the songs I had forced him to listen to frequently to get him cultured when we started dating. One of the things I liked about our relationship is that we could sit in silence for hours on end without it getting awkward. But sometimes he would get in these really chatty moods and I was always happy to just listen. He had interesting stuff to say anyways. And he was funny most of the time. We eventually pulled up at the parking lot of the gallery. The advertisement for it outside could draw you in from a mile away. The building was also quite modern looking and I don’t know if i’d ever seen anything like it. It sure looked complex. Must have been a pain in the ass for whoever was building but I’m sure the architect had fun. I shifted my upper body so I could face Armin. 

“Well you sure picked an interesting place didn’t you?” I said as I smirked. He giggled a bit. His giggles were probably the most adorable part of him. Especially when a little snort managed to escape. We got out of the car and I had the urge to hold his hands before remembering that this wasn’t like our dates. So I just put my hands back in my pockets and took a deep breath to take in the city air. It stunk, but it stunk like home. 

I then opened the door for him and said “After you. in a jokingly regal tone. It was a bit of an inside joke between us. This got another giggle out of him as he stepped through the door. We walked alongside each other, making a few remarks about what we liked about certain pieces. I really liked this one painting of a little girl on a swing, looking up at the sky. We couldn’t see her face but you could tell that the painting’s message had something to do with hope, and perhaps letting go. It resonated with me. Her hair seemed to be flowing in the wind and her legs were kicking up joyfully.

“Hey Eren, it feels like forever since I’ve heard you play piano.” he casually remarked. Yeah, he used to be the only person I’d play for back in the day, but he knew about everything. He knew how I felt about it and yet somehow he was bringing it up right now. Why? I stopped in my tracks and he looked at me with this blank expression.

“Armin. You know I don’t play anymore.” I said.

“You don’t? You used to play for me all the time. Oh right, you used to play for only me. Guess you only play for the people you fuck.” he said. Ok, now I wasn’t so much triggered, but I was pissed.

“What the hell are you even talking about and why would you even bring that up here of all places?” My tone became more infuriated with every syllable.

“You were playing for Ackerman a few days ago at lunch break.” he said, crossing his arms over his chest cocking an eyebrow. Shit, that’s right. Me and Levi were walking down the hall and he asked to hear me play again so we spent some time in the music room. Armin must have seen it because he volunteers to help sanitize the instruments. So this wasn’t normal Armin then. I could see that bitter Armin was still here. I started to question why he even brought me here if all he was gonna talk about with me anymore was my relationship with Levi.

I was about to answer but my thoughts were interrupted by something that caught my eye. More like someone. A short guy standing there, his hands in the pockets of his dress pants, actively analyzing a clay sculpture in front of him. He wasn’t alone though. Those two friends from New Years were there. The girl was just as much as a ball of energy as she was that night. Levi seemed to be pretty lively talking to her. Well, as lively as one like Levi could appear. Although, just like before, I couldn’t make out what they were saying. The other friend had a faint grin on his face and was nudinging Levi, talking to him while pointing at the work of art. Of course he was here. He was an artist after all. And this gallery was apparently talked about in the art community according to Armin. 

“Levi!” I hollered at him in an attempt to get his attention. It was also an excuse to get away from this tension that had been growing between Armin and I. He then jerked his head to see who was calling out his name. I walked over to him, and I heard a mild scoff from Armin as he followed me. Shit. Hopefully Levi didn’t know too much about the Armin situation. Oh who am I kidding, he definitely knows who Armin is. This could get awkward. 

“Oh hi! You’re Eren! I know you but you probably don’t know me but I know you because I saw you and Levi, you know, I mean oh shit I’m sorry he told me not to say that oh I’m talking too much aren’t I?” She spoke very fast for a regular human being but I thought it was very amusing.

“Isabel. Calm down. You might wanna inhale before you continue and scare him away.” Levi quickly interrupted her. She was kind of funny. I also just remembered that I actually knew her. We had been in chem together last year. I chuckled a bit before replying: 

“It’s ok, don't worry about it. I actually knew you from chem last year. Remember?”

“Oh my God you do!? I was wondering if you did. I mean I remembered you but I was wondering if you even knew I existed so that's a relief.” she continued. How was she able to move her mouth that fast? Was she even breathing in between sentences? “Anyways Levi talks about you all. The. Ti-” but she was cut off by Levi hitting the back of her head. 

“Does he now?” I said, cocking an eyebrow and looking at Levi in a teasing manner. 

“Eren.” Levi said in an aggressive whisper in an attempt to get me to shut up. 

“Oh yeah he does.” Added the other boy standing next to him. Levi gave him a threatening glare which he ignored. “Eren’s so tall this. Eren’s smart but he doesn't know it that. Eren has a nice smile. Eren has pretty green eyes. Eren’s house is clean. Eren makes good tea!” he continued, cracking up at the last comment, counting his fingers simultaneously. Levi was red and furious by now. Isabel was giggling behind him. 

“Furlan!” he yelled and Furlan put his hands up in defeat. I briefly looked over at Armin and he was rolling his eyes.

“All I’m saying is that we knew all about you before we even met you.” he chuckled. 

“I swear to god.” Levi said, burying his face in his hand.

“I’m touched, honestly, that my tea making skills were able to satisfy you Levi.” I said. All three of us laughed and he turned a deeper shade of red. Him and Armin were the only ones that weren’t laughing and I noticed that they were actually staring at each other, with the same blank look on each other's face. That was typical for Levi, but I was surprised to see Armin like that. 

I continued to converse with his friends. Furlan was actually very similar to Jean. Why was he friends with Levi then? Furlan did seem a bit smarter than Jean though so that might explain it. But he had that same cockiness to the way he spoke. Though I was actively getting to know them, Levi didn’t say much. Neither did Armin for that matter. For a while at least. 

“So you’re close now huh?” Armin asked in a weirdly interrogational and taunting tone. It seemed like this side of Armin was worsening every time he opened his mouth. I knew Armin was bold, and said what was on his mind, but before this whole Levi drama, at least he was somewhat kind about it. 

“Yeah, and?” I replied in the same tone he did. Levi raised his eyebrow and looked at me in a way that suggested he was saying ‘what was that about?’.

“Well, Furlan and I are headed to go hang out with Petra, Hange and Erwin. You guys wanna come?” Isabel said in her usual cheery tone. But she quickly covered her mouth when she looked over at Levi. He was just looking off into the distance, pretending he had not heard. I was surprised that after everything, they would still hang out with Petra. Especially because Levi was their friend. Maybe they were close with her prior to them breaking up. I had tensed up a bit. 

I could feel Armin turn over to me and notice my reaction. I looked over at him but quickly looked away before hearing a small sigh from him as he put his hand on my shoulder. This topic was always a soft spot for the both of us so it made sense that his sarcasm had faded. I was surprised he had reacted like that instead of tensing up like I did since Petra had that kind of affect on Armin too. I noticed Levi’s eyes shoot to Armin’s hand on my shoulder. He just stared at it before he eventually brought his attention back to me and asked:

“You ok Jaeger?” I could tell that Isabel regretted bringing her up. I took in a subtle deep breath in before finally looking back up from the ground with a fake smile plastered on my face. 

“All good.” I said calmly. Levi’s friends had moved on and carried on a conversation with Armin but Levi’s eyes narrowed. I could tell he knew I wasn’t ‘all good’. It was strange that Petra’s name didn’t cause him to awkwardly become less at ease too because he was way more closely involved with her than anyone here.

“Have fun guys. Tell Hange and Erwin I say hi. Jaeger, let’s go to my place after we’re done here. I wanna show you something.” Levi said in a casual tone, turning around to look at the sculpture again. I was excited to finally be able to see Levi’s place, but was hesitant to go because of Armin.

“I drove Armin here so I don’t know if I ca-”

“It’s ok Eren. I’ll just get dropped off by Furlan if that's ok with him.” Armin quickly interrupted me before I could finish my sentence. He had a half smile on and I wasn’t convinced that he was ok with me leaving him.

“Yeah that's cool.” added Furlan.

“But Arm-”. I tried to stop him but he interrupted me again. 

“Come on guys. I gotta get home before dinner. See ya around Eren.” he waved then walked away.

“See ya later Levi!” Isabel said, giving him a hug. He then ruffled her hair as he did frequently. I could tell he had a soft spot for her. They must have been childhood friends or something. The two then followed Armin out of the gallery. By now, I assumed that Armin 100% knew that me and Levi’s relationship went a little deeper than Annie or Jean made it out to be. They made it seem like we were just fuck buddies and that’s what the rest friendgroup thought and teased me about. But Armin could easily pick up on little social cues. And I felt so awful. I wanted to reach for him to stop him from walking away, but I was frozen, and the words didn’t seem to want to come out of my mouth. We stood there for a good 30 seconds after seeing them walk out. Levi then grabbed me by the hand and began to lead me toward the exit.

“Come on Jaeger. I don’t have all day. ” 

The drive was longer than I expected but we were having fun talking about random things as we usually did and making remarks about things we found interesting. Levi even went into detail about the symbolism in this one artwork he noticed at the gallery. I would have never been able to pick up on that.

Just as I expected, his house was spotless beyond imagination. It was also pretty big as I predicted when I figured he lived in the East. The walls were covered with all kinds of different artworks. Some by Levi, which happened to be my favourites and others by these different artists he told me he had gotten at auctions and galleries. 

“Your parents must be loaded to be able to afford all this'' I said, still looking around, unable to focus on just one artwork. But I cringed slightly when I remembered he told me he used to be in the foster system. He paused for a brief moment. “S-sorry I forgot you were-”

“My mother was a prostitute and she got pregnant with me from one of her clients. She died when I was about 10, cancer.” After that bit of information, I realized why he hated hospitals so much. “So I ended up in the foster system. But then my grandma died and my uncle got control of that money so when I turned 16 he bought me this place and figured I was old enough to live on my own.” he calmly stated as he wiped his kitchen counter. How was he not fazed by this? How was he not breaking down into tears as he told such a story? It seemed like it was routine for him or something. I honestly didn’t know how to respond to that so I just stood there in silence trying to find the words. “It's ok Jaeger, I wouldn’t know what to say either.” He said in a brighter tone. This eased the tension a bit. 

“Why didn’t you go live with your uncle instead of the foster system?” I asked reluctantly. 

“It's funny actually.” he said with a light chuckle. “He said he ‘didn’t wanna take me out of the city’ and that it suited me or whatever. He lives on a ranch so..” he continued. 

“Really?” I asked. 

“Yeah what a load of bull right? I’d much rather live on a fucking California ranch that that hell hole. But that’s how I met Furlan and Isabel so..” Levi really seemed to be getting gradually more uncomfortable with the topic. 

“What did you wanna show me anyways Levi?” I asked as I circled around the living room admiring the artwork around it. 

“Right. Follow me” He said as he jogged up the stairs. He was a few steps ahead of me so he looked taller than me for once. It felt really strange. 

Soon enough, Levi had led me to a room filled with unfinished works of his along with dirty paintbrushes and other tools I couldn't name if my life depended on it. But then it caught my eye. It was a painting of a young man with tan skin and longish brown hair and bright green eyes. He was smiling and the lighting of the work made his expression look really lively. It was me. I was pretty sure it was finished if not close to finished. But the one thing that stood out about it was the way he made my eyes look. They were so bright and full of life and the shades of green he decided to use made them look like jade crystals. Was this how he saw me? I’ve never seen myself as that appealing. 

“When I’m painting, I don’t plan anything ahead and I kinda just go with the flow” he said as he slowly approached me from behind. But I didn’t look back at him as I was still captivated by the details he had managed to put on it. “It wasn’t until I began mixing shades of yellow and blue to make that deep green for the eyes, did I know who I was painting. I guess you’ve been on my mind Jaeger.” he said with a small laugh hidden within his words.

I turned around. Tears were now running down my face. He quietly gasped and his usual cold expression softened. 

“Why are you crying? is something I said-'' I didn't let him finish. I grabbed him by the face and pressed his lips against mine. He was surprised at first but he eventually relaxed as his arms found their way around my neck and my hands made their way to his waist. This was the first time we had really touched each other like this in a while. I was crying because I was really touched, and I couldn’t believe anyone could ever depict me in such a vivid way. I couldn’t believe someone saw me in such a beautiful way because everytime I looked at myself, I felt disgusted knowing how awful I was on the inside. My tears slowly faded away as we continued to fall deeper into the kiss. We moved identically to the way we did when we first did thisl.

“Be my boyfriend Levi” I whispered into his lips, eyes still closed. He continued to kiss me.

“No.” He whispered back, then reconnecting his lips to mine. I smiled a little and rolled my eyes. How ironic was it that he was rejecting me while doing this?

“Please” I whispered again. He wouldn’t stop and I felt him smile a little too. The way it felt against my lips made it seem like it was a genuine smile and I wanted so bad to pull away and see due to how rare it was to see, but he wouldn’t let go and just like before, he whispered a:

“No Eren.” before returning to my lips. Even if he had rejected me twice now, he was still kissing me. I wasn’t giving up. So in a last attempt to get a different answer I broke the kiss. He whined a little and attempted to start kissing me again but I instead brought him in by his hips and placed my lips close to his ear. 

“Be my boyfriend Levi.”

He sighed, backed away then crossed his arms in front of his chest, as I grinned, lovesick with the way his touch felt.

“Eren. I’m not putting myself through that shit again. I’m sorry.” God I hated Petra so much. I hated that she had done this to him. Commitment can be a really scary thing when your trust is betrayed. “And after today…” he said, but he hesitated to continue. “Nevermind. I really I just can’t.”

“Don’t let her control you like that.” I stated firmly. His eyes widened at her mention. “Just because she did something really shitty that doesn't mean you should deprive yourself of something you want out of the fear that someone else will do it again. Trust me when I say it won’t get you anywhere. You have to take risks Levi, and I’m scared just like you are, but I wanna take a risk because you make me so....” I laughed nervously again as I searched for a word. “You make me feel like I’m a good person. You make me feel like I’m living inside my own body. Does that make sense?” I could tell by the way his face was changing that I was actually reaching him. 

“It does in some odd way.” He said as he weakly chuckled and sighed once again. I didn’t really know what to make of it and now, it was anyone’s guess for what he was gonna say. He recuperated himself before continuing. “In case you haven’t noticed I’ve always been really horrible at expressing myself.” Duh. “Fuck I don’t even know why I’m telling you this.” It took him a moment to finally get it out but I waited patiently and prepared to just listen. “I let her in. I told her I loved her and I knew she could be manipulative and I knew she could be rash sometimes but I never, ever would have thought she’d take it that far. I gave her a part of me I never thought I could ever give anyone. So when I…” I could tell he was struggling now and he looked at the ground. I took his clenched fists, softening them a bit and his eyes shot up at me.

“Take your time. I’m listening.” I said with a saddened smile. 

“So...so when I found out what she did, I kinda just shut down for a while. And you know Eren, don’t take this the wrong way, but something about you remind me so much about how I felt about her and its so scary.” It was strange to hear, but somehow, it was comforting knowing that he and I shared that same fear of familiarity within our relationship.

“Levi, I’m not her. I hope that somehow, you can tell that it would kill me knowing I did anything to hurt you at all. You might be shocked to know that this is just as scary for me as it is for you. ” I squeezed onto his hands. “So please. If you think you can, take a risk with me.” We stood there in tense silence as I awaited his answer. Each second seemed like a century. A great grandfather clock was ticking and tocking in the background, like it was ushering for us to hurry up. But thankfully, he finally spoke.

“Alright.” he said plainly. We both slowly started smiling and eventually broke off into relieved laughter. I grabbed him by his waist and pulled him into me, attacking him with kisses all over as he continued to laugh and playfully resist.


	22. Chapter 22

I was so happy. Nothing could take away from the feeling of knowing I had the right to call Levi my boyfriend. Not Armin’s glares, not even Mr. Bozad’s blabbering. But the night was far from over. I was surprised at how long we were able to keep kissing. It was like all the tension built up over time was being released right now. All the confusion between us was now fizzling out. But he was leading, and he just kept going. Not that I was complaining though. He was really good at this. His breath felt really nice on the surface of my skin. The way we simultaneously twisted and turned did something to me. But then, he stopped.

“Are you done?” I said tauntingly. He shook his head, grabbed me by the hand and dragged me down the hall to his bedroom. His room was just what I expected from a person like Levi. Very minimalistic, clean as hell, and there were little traces of his personality here and there like books from some intellectual guys who’s names I couldn’t pronounce or a painting of a black stripe that was probably a metaphor for something. He then began to passionately kiss me again while simultaneously bringing me down to the bed and laying me underneath him. Was this going where I thought it was going? We just started officially dating. Like literally two minutes ago. I would absolutely love to take this step with him, but seeing as this was his first time with another guy, I was worried I would do the wrong thing and scare him off. I didn’t know if HE was ready despite what he may think he wants right at this moment. I wanted a chance to develop our relationship first and see if he thought he was making the right choice. I wanted to give him a chance to see if he was acting out of lust and this was something he would later regret, or if this was something he was willing to do. Because it’s a pretty big deal if you’re still kind of questioning your sexuality, and it turns out you were wrong but it’d be too late to take everything back. He then began sucking on my neck, leaving hickies and breathing in my scent. He was doing really well and I couldn’t get my thoughts straight as I got lost in his touch. It became more and more difficult to stop him as much as I knew I needed to. 

“Levi...” I said with a slight moan. He hummed in response but didn’t stop. “Levi please just…” but he kept going and it was becoming more and more difficult as he started trailing his hands up my shirt, touching all the places I wanted him to touch. It took all the strength in me to finally say: “Levi, stop”. He then immediately came to a halt and lifted up a bit to look at me. He looked a bit sad and embarrassed.

“Am I doing something wrong? Is it really bad? I’m sorry this usually works on girls but I’ve never really-” 

“No no no no not at all” I said bringing a finger to his mouth then sliding my hand to brush his hair out of his face.

“Then what is it?” he said a bit timidly. I then placed both my hands on his sides and lightly guided him off of me. He sat beside me, waiting for an answer.

“I can’t do this with you yet. It wouldn’t be fair.” I said. It hurt to say it though.

“What do you mean?” It was then I realized how much of an emotional person Levi truly was. He was always so cold. His face never faltered and he always acted like he didn’t have a care in the world. He always acted like he hated you. But when I thought back to everything we’d been through, and now the way he was looking at me with the most unsure and desperate look on his face, I knew I was making the right choice. He was willing to give me that part of him right now, and I was going to have to reject him. I hoped he could understand. 

“We literally just started officially going out, Levi. And I’m the first guy you’ve been with and you’re probably still not completely sure about everything so this would be like me taking advantage of you. I want you to think about it a bit first.” I said putting my hands on each of his shoulders, making sure he was facing me. 

“But I don’t need to think about it. It’s not like I’m a virgin or anything I-”

“Yes you do Levi, and I know you know this is different.” He looked a bit at the ground, thinking. But I knew that he knew that what I was saying was resonating with him. He then sighed in defeat and I quickly took him by the hands and pressed them against my lips before giving him an apologetic smile, letting him know that this in no way changed the way I felt about him. He let out an exaggerated groan, leaned forward and collapsed onto me causing me to fall backwards on the bed. “Oh quit whining, you’ll live.” I said laughing a bit pulling him a bit closer to my face as he laid on top of me. 

“I hate it when you make sense.” He said defeatedly, making me laugh a bit harder now.

“I know, I know. I can be pretty hard to resist sometimes.” I said sarcastically.

“Shut up.” he said in a childish tone. I really hoped that after he was done thinking about it, he would make the decision to go all the way and trust me, becauseI was really down bad.


	23. Chapter 23

1 month. 1 whole month of livin on a cloud of ridiculously cheesy romance novel material. Me and Levi could be seen a lot more often together but we weren’t really doing anything that suggested we were anything but close friends outside of our privacy. We both decided it wasn’t really appropriate for people to know yet considering the confusion between us and the circumstances with the whole Petra and Armin drama. But of course, my entire friend group knowing me pretty well, immediately figured out we were dating. I didn’t really deny it though, I knew I could trust them. And I knew Levi had told Furlan and Isabel about it. I ended up hanging out with those two a lot more than I expected though. They were very different from Levi, but they all got along so well. Them being foster siblings explained how close they were despite how they were less than likely to attract each other’s company as friends in any normal circumstance. Isabel went on to get adopted when she was 13 and Furlan the following year leaving Levi on his own for a bit, but he was grateful that they kept in touch and now here they were. I’d started calling Levi little nicknames like “snookums” or “babygirl” to get on his nerves. And sometimes, I’d use it as a way to get him to kiss me since that was usually the way he got me to shut up. We spent tons of time at his house but he refused to come to mine out of the fear of meeting my parents and rubbing them the wrong way. So this gave him lots of opportunities to have that moment where we could finally go all the way, but he never really came onto me as strong as that night. He needed more time and I had no intention of rushing him. I was fine with our relationship just the way it was. God that feels so weird to even think about. Me being in another relationship after everything that went down.

Levi was still Levi at the end of the day. He never really got all that emotional anymore and was still always making pessimistic comments and saying mean things. But I did feel him loosen up a bit whenever we got a moment alone. I was also really happy to see him sleeping better too. Of course there were those days where I would step in and try and help him when he texted me at 1:00 in the morning saying he needed help. But I didn’t mind driving over there for him and feeling exhausted the next day if he needed it. I still couldn’t really believe that Levi was my boyfriend. And the itch that was the thought of still loving Armin Arlert was slowly going away. Was this me finally moving on?

“Hey pumpkin? Do you know when midterms are?” I asked Levi, trying to hold back the laughter seeing as I had just called him “pumpkin” to piss him off.

“Jaeger, you’re on thin fucking ice” he scolded. We were at his place and he was wiping the counter tops thoroughly as I was admiring his latest painting he hung up in the entrance. We had just finished eating some take-out at his place.

“I gotta go by the way. Mikasa has a jiu jitsu competition and she wants me to be there for her” I said, making my way over to Levi and wrapping my arms around him from behind, causing him to stop wiping the counter and accept the hug for a while. 

“Jesus Christ, your sister does everything. Didn’t she have the state chess tournament thingy last week?”

“Yep. And next week is debate.” 

“She’s gonna get a stress induced ulcer soon.” I laughed a bit at his last comment before burying my face in the crook of his neck, enjoying the last of my time with him today.

“Alright. I’m out.” I said before giving him a kiss on the cheek, letting go of him and walking toward the door.

“Let me know how she does.” He yelled from the kitchen as I laced up my shoes. I then started laughing. “What’s funny?” he said, slightly annoyed. 

“You remind me of my mother, cleaning the dishes and yelling at me from the kitchen.”

“Fuck. You.” he sounded a bit angry now but there was still a hint of playfulness to the way he was speaking. I laughed even harder, collapsing on the ground and hugging my stomach. “Alright. Fine then.” he said as he began making his way over to me. I was still so hysterical my eyes were closed. But they quickly opened when I felt his lips firmly press against mine. He let his tongue touch the surface making me part my lips so I could let him in. He swirled his tongue a bit and didn’t even give me a chance to breathe. I moaned a bit in his mouth before he bit my lip as he pulled away. “You can’t tell me you’re mom kisses you like that now can you?” I smiled and shook my head as he hovered over me. He got up, and helped me to my feet. You’re gonna be late.” he said nearly walking off. But I quickly reached for his wrist and pulled him closer to give him another quick peck on the cheek.

“Bye bye pooky.” I said as I walked out of the entrance to my car on the driveway. He stood there at the door frame and rolled his eyes before closing the door behind him. 

Mikasa was doing really well today (not really surprised). At least it looked like she was doing well. She was kicking ass up there and no one looked like they stood a chance. My parents were cheering her on as they always did and my dad was awkwardly holding up his smartphone to take pictures.

“Eren, Mikasa tells us you have a new boyfriend. How come you haven’t brought him over yet Liebchen?” asked my mother, leaning a bit and turning her head at an angle to be able to see me. Dad was in between us and still taking photos.

“Is it the one you went to the movies with?” my dad chimed in.

“Oh yeah. I guess I forgot to tell you me and Levi started dating. But I talk about him all the time, how have you guys not picked up on it?” I said, my eyes still glued to Mikasa putting someone in some weird hold with her legs.

“Bring him over for dinner sometime. He seems like a nice boy.” said my mom.

“He really is mom. But I’m pretty busy with band practice this week and he gets a bit nervous when I mention you guys to him.” I replied. Now Mikasa was slamming someone to the ground and I couldn’t help but wince a bit.

“He has no reason to be nervous! Are you talking badly about us to him?” she said defensively. 

“No mom, I promise. And I’ll bring him over when he’s ready. I promise.” I said, turning to face her.

“Trust the boy Carla. It seems he needs a bit more time.” My dad said now putting his phone down and turning to face my mom. I wasn’t lying when I said Levi was nervous to meet my parents. But I left out that he was feeling guilty about not being able to introduce me to anyone. I of course told him it was ridiculous but he was pretty sensitive about it so I decided I would leave it alone for now. He’d come around. Mikasa of course got a gold medal, or was it a trophy? It was becoming difficult to keep track.


	24. Chapter 24

It was around 6:45 on a Saturday. Annie, me and Mikasa were all staring at the screens like zombies. We were on the fifth Star Wars movie so far.

“E, you and shorty still fucking?” said Annie lazily. Her and Mikasa were very cuddly today. They were best friends, but this felt off.

“A, could you be any cruder you fucking caveman?” I replied in the same tone as she did.

“First of all, fuck you. Second of all, he never hangs out with us. When are we gonna actually meet him?” she continued. 

“First of all, fuck you. Second of all, he’ll hang out with us when he feels more comfortable with our relationship being out in the open.” I answered. But then Mikasa joined the conversation. 

“When exactly is that gonna be? You’re taking this surprisingly slow considering this is you Eren.” she said.

“Whatever works for him Mika. He’s new to the whole ‘dating another guy’ thing.” I said, still looking at the screen. A smile began to take shape on my face as I thought of him. This happened a lot lately. I was just thinking about how he was adorably complaining about Jean a few days ago. Annie then turned her head to look at me.

“E, what’s wrong with your face?” she asked. Slightly frowning. I looked back at her with the same look on my face and Mikasa turned her head to see what the fuss was about. 

“No way. Fuck. Eren. You’re in love.” Mikasa said, slapping her hand to her mouth. I kept that same expression on my face. Maybe I was and I didn’t care.

“Oooo E got some last night didn’t he?” Annie said with a smirk on her face, poking me in the ribs teasingly. 

“Shut the fuck up Annie.” I said laughing and hitting her with the pillow. This resulted in another one of our typical pillow fights that was interrupted by Mikasa and her superhuman strength.

“I’m happy you guys are happy though Eren. I haven’t seen you like this since before the whole thing happened.” added Mikasa sympathetically but cautiously. My smile kind of faded at the thought of that.

“Thanks Mika.” 

“Ugh can we talk about something else. I’m getting bored of this lovey dovey shit.” groaned Annie as she usually did when things were getting too sentimental.

“You’re the one that brought it up.” I replied. 

“I know but now it got boring.” 

I always enjoyed these little moments with Mikasa and Annie. Though most of it was spent staring at a screen, it was those little times that we would start teasing each other and calling each other by the first letter of our name while cursing each other out I cherished. Because those were the moments I felt like I could give less of a fuck what anyone was thinking. The only person I felt like I had that would even come close to having those moments with me was Levi. Things were going so well with him and I felt really at peace with the way our relationship was headed. Even if he was still thinking about the whole thing, I knew that he at least had mutual feelings towards me.

I then felt my pocket vibrate. Someone was texting me. I took out my phone to see who it was. Speak of the devil.

Levi: Hey. I ordered way too much pizza, can you help me finish it?

Me: I thought u were hanging out with Erwin and Hange

Levi: You*

Levi: Erwin’s mom’s car got fucked up so Hange went with him to go fix it since she’s handy. 

Me: You want me to come over?

Levi: Please :/

Me: Be there soon. But Mikasa and Annie won’t be happy.

Levi: Movie day not over yet?

Me: It was almost over anyways. See u in a bit

Levi: You*

Me: <3

“Guys, I’m gonna have to cut this short. Levi needs me.” I said getting up from my seat and checking the time on my phone.

“Booty call?” Annie said without hesitation. 

“He ordered too much pizza to finish by himself,” I said, rolling my eyes.

“Sounds like an excuse for a booty call to me.” Annie mumbled under her breath followed by another hit from a pillow and me making my way to the door. 

“Call if anything changes.” said Mikasa, waving her hand goodbye. 

Once I got there, we put on a movie and ate our pizza. It was cold but i didn’t really mind. He was on the other end of the couch and I wanted to be closer to him so I pulled him in by his waist. He rested his head on my shoulders, intertwining our hands and letting out a big sigh before finally breaking the peaceful silence between us. 

“Eren..” he said in a bit of a shaky voice. He was nervous for some odd reason and it became more obvious as his hand squeezed mine tighter. “I thought about it.” he said. My heart started racing. I’d been waiting for this for a while now. I didn’t mind waiting but I was still anxious about it. I didn’t know if our relationship would even remain if he said he couldn’t. But here we are, about to clear up the last bit of uncertainty. So I took a deep breath, lightly brushed him off my shoulder, and turned off the television.

“And what’s the verdict?” I said with a smile on my face. He then scoffed and rolled his eyes. 

“What do you think the verdict is? Dipshit” he said, as if it should have been obvious from the start what his answer was gonna be. He then grabbed my face and collided our lips together in a passionate embrace. Our tongues immediately went at it. His hands were all over me, as if he didn’t know where to start. They crept up from my inner thighs to my neck and I was doing the same. I wanted every part of him. I guess this was happening. We got up from the couch, trying not to break the kiss. The butterflies in my stomach were spiralling out of control and I didn’t know how to express any of what I was feeling other than to just keep on touching him. I picked him up so he was propped up on my waist and carried him to the bedroom as his hands rubbed my shoulders. The bed was warm and inviting, solidifying the feeling that the time was indeed right for us. He had gotten on top of me and was sucking the sweet spot on my neck he had discovered a while ago. He continued like this for a few moments as I softly moaned and wrapped my arms around his back. He sure was good at setting the mood. But he then pulled away and looked at me in my eyes. His were full of lust but there was a hint of hesitation.

“Eren, I-'' he stumbled on his words, blushing a bit but I shushed him before he continued. I knew what this was about and I was expecting it. Hopefully I’d be able to take it slow enough for him. But it would be so difficult because slow wasn’t really my style and the way he was looking at me, the way he kissed me, made me want to pin him down and go all in. But I couldn't do that yet. He looked and sounded nervous. I gave him a sweet smile in an attempt to reassure him that he didn’t have to be embarrassed.

“Why don’t I lead this time, yeah?” I said, bringing my hand to his cheek. He still looked a bit flustered, but nodded and I carefully flipped our positions so he would be under me now. I began doing just as he was doing and sucking his neck, slightly lifting my knee to his crotch to get some stimulation. It was followed by soft moans and deep breaths as Levi leaned his head back.

I slowly unbuttoned his shirt, continuing to give him soft kisses as he lifted my top off. He was just as strong as I had imagined him to be. The definition of his abs was an addictive sight I would surely long to see again. I trailed down his stomach, pressing my lips to every inch of his body I could before arriving at his pants. This was it. We were about to go the farthest we’d ever gone. I looked up at him, giving him a look that suggested I was asking if it was alright to continue. He was blushing intensely, I could basically hear how fast his heart was beating, but he nodded eagerly. I then unbuckled his belt and zipped his fly down, exposing his bulge. I slid his pants off too which he whimpered slightly. I brought my head back to his crotch area, teasing him by licking it intensely slow, causing him to put his hand to his mouth in an attempt to block the sounds coming out of him.

“Don’t do that. I wanna hear you.” I said, still slightly panting with excitement.

“Kinky little shit.” he said, barely coherently as his breath was louder than his voice. I chuckled a bit before continuing. He was still sassy even during moments like this. I removed his underwear, letting the cold air hit his length. I kissed the tip of his erect part gently before taking it all into my mouth. He was now moaning a bit louder and frantically trying to hide his pleasure. I felt him grab my hair and wrap his hands around it, squirming. I kept bobbing my head and it became bigger and bigger and the sounds coming out of his mouth became louder and louder as he tightened his grip. It turned me on to see him so squeamish, but I didn’t want him to come yet so I stopped just before he was about to. By now, we were both breathing pretty heavily, and I came back to meet his eyes before making out with him again. He then took it upon himself to start to undo my pants and slide them off of me while I continued exploring the inside of his mouth. I moaned into his mouth as I felt him stroke me with his soft hands. 

“Are you okay with lube? I don’t wanna hurt you.” I asked, trying to make him as comfortable as possible. It mattered to me that I did this the right way for him. He looked me up and down and smirked a bit before taking my hand. 

“How bout this instead?” he seductively spoke as he put my fingers into his mouth and drenched them in saliva. Surprisingly confident for a first timer. I groaned a little at the feeling of his tongue swirling at my tips and the sight of him sucking them. He took them out and I took charge back again as I brought them to his rim. He winced a bit, moaning slightly as I pushed inside of him and began moving.

“Tell me if you want me to stop or if it hurts too much.” I knew this was a new feeling for him and he was panting heavier and heavier as I quickened the pace a bit. Then, when I felt he was ready, I entered another finger, and another as his cheeks turned an even deeper shade of red if that was even possible. I fumbled around beside me, reaching for the condom in my wallet, still not being able to look away from his erotic facial expressions. Once I had found it, quickly opened the packet and slid it on. “Are you sure you wanna do this? It's ok if you’re still not ready.” I asked with a light smile to take off the pressure. His eyes displayed vulnerability and desire, making it all the more difficult to hold back in that moment.

“Shut your damn mouth and just do it.” he whispered in between his pants. I chuckled at his eagerness. He looked so cute when he was like this. So with his consent, I spread his legs and aligned myself with his entrance before slowly sliding it in. We had both groaned pretty loudly and I felt him clench before I could go all the way in.

“I need you to relax for me. It’ll really hurt if you don’t.” he complied, and after a few moments, I felt him ease up a bit, signaling me to finally go all the way in. He made another painful sound and I began stroking his hair and shushing to make things more bearable for him. “Are you okay?” I whispered in his ear. I felt his chest rising and falling rapidly as sweat began to drip from his forehead. He nodded, resting his head on my shoulder soon after. With that, I began to slowly move inside of him, causing us both to make frequent sounds of pleasure. With each one that came out of him, it turned me on even more. His hands were wrapped around my back and his thighs slightly twitched every now and then. I knew he was finding it a bit difficult but he seemed to like it because he was moaning my name.

“Keep going.” he breathed. This sent shivers down my spine as I continued to fight the urge to just pound into him. I knew how it could be the first time so I made sure to comfort him with light kisses as he let out even more noises. He was definitely in pain, but I could tell he was enjoying himself as much as I was when I began to pick up the pace. I decided it was time for me to take that final step further and I slammed all the way into his sweet spot, causing him to yelp. I continued to hit that spot as his breaths became even more frantic and he dug his nails into my back, dragging them across it. I was a bit of a sucker for that. I then felt him tense up and his legs began to shake, hinting that he was gonna come soon. That was ok though, because so was I. I was going at full speed now, and was unable to control myself from reverting to my usual ways as I sunk into the feeling. I felt a pleasurable shame wash over me as i made it rougher, faster, deeper, harder, and I bit hard on his shoulder. That was a tendency I had when I got really fired up. He was now making indescribably loud and erotic noises as I grabbed him and began rapidly palming him. I didn’t let myself reach my end until I had felt hot liquid all over my stomach and his insides pulsating against me. A feeling of ecstacy blinded me as I thrusted a few more times, finally releasing, involuntarily biting down on another spot on his shoulder even harder. To my surprise he moaned every time I did and didn’t get upset. His face was still warm and I was sweating onto him, which he didn’t mind. He seemed to be processing what had happened as I crashed back on to him after pulling out. He hugged me and gently caressed my back up and down as he gave me a sweet kiss on the cheek. I was still catching my breath. This feeling was so good. The butterflies in my stomach were fluttering again as I lingered in his taste and took in his scent. There were no regrets. Everything about my relationship with Levi was perfect. And I felt that he was finally, finally beginning to be completely transparent with me.


	25. Chapter 25

The night me and Levi took things to the next level, we had just laid against each other afterwards. I loved the intimacy of feeling him without clothing. His skin felt so soft against mine and he wasn’t fidgeting like he always would. We didn’t even say anything. Before we had eventually fallen asleep we were just lightly planting butterfly kisses on each other’s shoulders and hands and cheeks and playing with each other's hair. I had woken up in the middle of the night for no particular reason, but I had noticed the 23 missed calls from Mikasa and the 13 texts message she had left explaining how worried my parents were. So I kissed the sleeping Levi on the forehead and went back home. Although, I did wish more than anything that I could’ve stayed. 

I had insisted on picking Levi up and driving him to school the next day. He obviously had refused at first, saying he didn’t want me to drive all the way there but I came anyway. I rolled down the window and gave him a little wink, making him scoff as he opened the door to get into the passenger's seat. He was limping. I felt a bit guilty for going a lot rougher than I should have, but I couldn’t help but smile as I remembered the events of last night. It was the first time sex actually meant something to me in a while.

“Morning sunshine” I chirped leaning in to give him a quick kiss on the cheek. 

“Tch! Morning” he said plainly.

“Am I not in trouble for calling you ‘Sunshine’?” I asked with a slight smirk.

“You are, but you’ll get the consequences later.” he said now scrolling through his phone.

“Are you going to punish me Levi?” I asked, barely containing my laughter. He then hit me on the shoulder with his free hand while continuing to scroll through his phone but before he could retract it, I grabbed it and intertwined our fingers.

“Jesus Jaeger, you’re extra touchy today.”

“Are you in any pain?” I asked concernedly.

“Yeah but I don’t mind.” I then pulled down his shirt to reveal his shoulder and trailed my fingers delicately over the two bite marks I had left. They were horrifyingly visible. I gasped as I hovered over their deep grooves.

“Sorry. I really tried to stop myself but the urges to do that just kind of just come without warning.” I said sheepishly.

“I think it's hot.” he said, shrugging. It was a reply I certainly wasn't expecting. We both chuckled. “I enjoyed last night Jaeger, don’t worry. I don’t regret a thing.” he said. I sighed in relief, smiled at him and kissed his hand one more time before letting go to search for the aux cord. “What will it be today? Bach’s Partita or Metallica.” he said sarcastically.

“Whatever you want babe.”

“Babe? That's new.”

“You don’t like it? I can start calling you schnookums or booboo bear again.” I smirked.

“How many of those god awful nicknames do you have?” he asked in annoyance. 

“I don’t know, I learn them from Jean and Marco” 

As we pulled into the school parking lot, I noticed him prepare his bag. Then, when I was fully parked, he grabbed it, got out of the car, but instead of walking at a fast pace so we wouldn’t be seen together, he waited for me. This was odd because there were quite a few people in the parking lot and he would usually make an effort not to be noticed with me or have any suspicious behaviour. But not now, he just eagerly waited for me to get out of the car.

“Aren’t you gonna run away?” I asked, shutting the car door and pressing the lock button on my keys.

“Nope.'' Once I was close enough he grabbed my hand and started walking toward the school. I knew he would probably change his mind if I made a huge deal out of it so I just remained quiet.

He was turning slightly pinker and his breath had gotten a bit faster as we approached the school. Was he nervous? The minute we entered the school, we got lots of attention. Some people were whispering to each other while looking at us. Whenever he noticed this, he would let out a “Tch!” and it seemed to offend a few. I had said hello to most of the people I recognized like the people from the basketball team, cheerleaders, swing band and the chess club even. Levi didn’t say much. He only briefly waved at his selective few friends that included Isabel as well as Furlan, Hange and Erwin. I had met Hange and Erwin a couple of times and even briefly hung out with them. Hange wore glasses and had her long brown hair in a ponytail. She seemed to have a similar personality to Isabel. Erwin was pretty cold though and he mostly kept to himself. He had blonde slicked back hair and his attitude definitely matched up with Levi’s. He did seem a bit less knowledgeable though. I definitely saw how him and Levi got along. The only difference was that Erwin was a lot taller and had these huge eyebrows that looked like caterpillars. 

“Why are you friends with the chess club mister hotshot?” he teased. 

“What’s wrong with the chess club?” I said as I held a hand to my chest and dramatically gasped. He shook his head with a light smirk on his face. 

I had walked him to the door of his first class. He then proceeded to let go of my hand but I quickly pulled him in by the waist and gave him a quick peck on the lips. He looked like he had just seen a ghost. He then rushed into the classroom pretending as if nothing had happened.

“Bye bye buttercup!” I hollered. That was sure to get to him. He didn’t turn around but he gave me the finger as he slightly limped over to his seat. I laughed a bit before finally deciding to leave him be and get to class. 

Now basically everyone knew about us and quite a few people had approached me asking about our relationship. I wondered how that was going on his end. I knew he wouldn't like it considering how particular he was about the kind of people he decided to engage in a genuine conversation with. And he was most likely bombarded with questions about Petra which didn’t sit right with me. He probably replied with things like “whatever” or “none of your business ingrate”. 

Lunch had come, and I went to my regular table to sit with my group.

“Oh he’s right there” said Mikasa as she pointed toward me and the rest of the group all looked toward me all giving their usually warm and friendly greeting. 

“Eren, did you finish the notes for science class? I need to copy off of someone,” Marco said in a panicky voice. Jean had his arm around him and was eating a ham and cheese sandwich. 

“I need them too, hippie.” he said while chewing his sandwich. How crude. It was really hard to see how Marco found him attractive sometimes. 

“Sorry, I didn’t even know we had to do notes.” I replied, my grin not faltering. 

“Damn it! Eren, you’re still keeping up your grades right?” Mikasa yelled.

“Yeah don’t worry.” I said. That was honestly the truth. I still cared about my grades, but I was slipping a tiny bit because I was distracted by Levi. “Have you sent in any applications for college yet at least?” 

“I already told you Mika. I’m not doing the whole college thing.” My tone had turned a bit more serious by now. I was annoyed that she kept pressuring me about this stuff.

“Let him be Mikasa, he’s gonna be the next Kurt Cobain. Or maybe he’ll be a big success at the opera house.” said Connie sarcastically before receiving a slap from Sasha on the arm. But she was laughing along at his joke and so was I. I was ok being teased by Connie. His smile had a way of softening the blow. 

Annie was too busy scrolling on her phone to add anything. This was how she usually was though. I only ever saw her get deep into conversation when she was talking with Mikasa. They understood each other. Armin was once again, quiet today though. I hated seeing him like this. These days Armin would only ever be slightly defensive with me or just wouldn’t talk. Today, he had his face buried in some Shakespeare book. I decided not to bother him since he seemed pretty invested. 

It wasn’t long before the conversation carried on without me. I was too busy staring at Levi from across the cafeteria. He seemed to be happy, calm and comfortable which surprised me considering how loud and frantic two of the girls in his group were. He would casually add to whatever conversation they were having, but not before making sure he was finished chewing his food and that there were no crumbs on his face. He was the exact opposite of Jean.

“Hippie! What the hell are you thinking about? You’ve had that stupid grin all over your face the entire morining. You look like you're taking a shit.” said Jean, still crudely chewing on that sandwich. The whole table ended up mildly laughing. But not at the joke, at the fact that I'm pretty sure he has made it five times now throughout the year about me apperantly have a shit-taking face and he still thought it was funny.

“It’s because he’s staring at his boyfriend.” Sasha added. Armin’s eyes slightly widened but he kept reading his book. 

“So you and Ackerman aren’t hiding anymore? I saw you holding hands today in the halls.” added Mikasa. 

“Yep.” I said without changing my expression, continuing to stare at him.

“Why don’t you come bring him over so we can finally meet him?” said Annie with a tad of curiosity in her voice (arm suspiciously wrapped around Mikasa). 

“Uhh, I dunno guys I don’t think he’d like that. We just started-” I added scratching the back of my neck but was interrupted by Armin. 

“Oh come on. They just want to meet this mysterious guy you're hooking up with. Oh but they do kind of already know him cause he used to be in your beloved Petra’s pants.” 

“Armin, that’s enough.” Mikasa said, touching his hand and giving him a death stare. Beloved Petra? Mysterious guy? I couldn’t believe what I was hearing. I know that this was a sensitive situation for all of us, but I was finally moving on and it felt like he was tugging me back telling me not to over and over and over. I honestly thought me and Armin had left all this shit in the past after we talked for hours about it. And we’d been friends for the past year and a half after the whole thing so why was he talking to me so maliciously? He then shrugged and continued reading his book. I had to shake it off. This wasn’t gonna ruin things. 

“We're not just ‘hooking up’.” I replied in a serious tone. He then raised an eyebrow, but continued reading his book. 

“Bring him over Eren.” said Marco. I contemplated for a few seconds before I finally agreed. Slightly rolling my eyes, I stood up leading to a cheer from the entire table. Apart from Armin of course.

I then walked over to Levi’s table and poked him on the shoulder. He tensed up and turned to face me looking pissed, but he calmed down at the realization it was me, just like he always did. His friends carried on with their conversation after briefly acknowledging me and saying hello. 

“Come meet my friends.” I said to him. 

“I know you’re friends.”

“Yeah but come spend a bit of time with them. It’s only fair since I’ve met all of yours and now mine really want to get to know you.”

“And who’s to say I want to-”

“Oh would you stop being like that” I cut him off. I then grabbed him by the hand and yanked him out of his seat to which he slightly resisted but then gave up when he realised he wasn’t getting out of this.

It took him a bit to adjust but after a while he seemed to get along just fine with them. Well, most of them. Jean was at this table. He couldn’t bring himself to get past his “blatant moronic tendencies”. His words not mine. He was doing that “Tch!” thing 3 times more than he usually did and he would scoff everytime the guy opened his mouth. Marco noticed this and would kindly hint at Jean that he was getting a bit rowdy. Levi didn’t seem to mind Connie and Sasha since they all kind of shared the same sarcastic sense of humour. He even let out a light chuckle here and there at some of Sasha’s jokes. He clearly took a bit more of a liking to Annie and Mikasa seeing how calm and collected they usually were. Well Annie a bit more then Mikasa since he tended to furrow his eyebrows a lot when Mikasa’s pushy and protective side came out. He later explained that he thought she should start treating me like an adult because I was one. Then there was Armin which was the only interaction that really became awkward. Armin would briefly glance at him but I could tell Levi was avoiding eye contact. And Armin really tensed up when I put my arm around his waist and brought him a bit closer to me. Eventually, his group took the initiative to introduce themselves to mine and everything seemed to go pretty smoothly. By now people were standing up around our table since there wasn’t much room for everyone but we were all having a good time. 

The end of the day was approaching. Once class was dismissed I quickly rushed to Mrs. Reiss’ english class so I could pick up Levi. And there he was. People seemed to be a lot more talkative with him and he was trying to brush them off but really struggled. He looked too tired to roll his eyes at the sight of me standing eagerly by the door. I wanted to just scoop him up and carry him to my car. But that would be a death wish. So I just walked alongside him as he groggily stumbled across the hall. At least he wasn’t limping as much anymore. It must have been a long day for him with a bunch of people bothering him.

We had spent most of the car ride talking about how much he didn’t like Jean. The conversation was pretty lighthearted until he brought up one topic. 

“Arlert seemed a bit quiet didn’t he?”

“What? Armin? Perhaps. I figured he was just tired. He’s like that when he hasn’t slept or if something's bothering him” I added. He hummed. What was he thinking about now? 

I figured today was the day I would introduce him to the rest of my family since he had finally agreed when I asked him this morning in the car. I texted my mom in advance so she would know what to expect when I came home. She was of course very excited and told me she was going to make something special for dinner. When we got there, my mom gave one of her classic kisses on each of his cheeks. She refrained from calling me “Liebchen” as she usually did though cause I wasn’t comfortable with anyone at school knowing about my past in Germany.

“So Levi, Eren tells us you’re an artist” said my dad, chewing on the piece of meat he had cut up a few moments ago. 

“Yes. I dabble” he said with a disingenuous smile, reaching to take a sip from the glass of water in front of him. 

“He doesn't just dabble. Tell them more about it” I teased as I lightly nudged my leg next to his.

“Well...I do pretty much whatever but most of my art is inspired by some pretty philosophical concepts. It’s reflected by how I choose to interpret it.” he said before taking a piece of broccoli on his fork and chewing on it. 

“Wow I didn’t know you were so deep, Ackerman” Mikasa said with a faint chuckle. “That sounds cool.” 

“It’s the coolest.” I made sure to add before taking in another mouthful of food.

“Well you’ll have to show us one day Levi.” My mom said sweetly. 

Despite him being a bit nervous, he would briefly smile to be polite and tell my mother how good the food was. It was out of character but I knew it was because he didn’t want to come off as rude and cold to my family. I’m pretty sure Mikasa picked up on that seeing as she had spent a bit of time with him at lunch. Even though he was pretending and slightly fidgeting, he seemed happy. I was happy.


	26. Chapter 26

“Eren, you sounded a bit sloppy at the bridge and your voice cracked again. Fix it. Armin, make sure you get those runs cleaner. Sasha, you really, really need to emphasize the snare a bit at the chorus.” said Connie, looking at his notepad full of feedback he had for us. He could be a jokester most of the time but when it came to band and sports, he really took things seriously. He was super talented and really had an ear that allowed him to hear any areas that needed improvement and find solutions for them. We all did but Connie usually played the easiest parts giving him more time to pay attention to the rest of us. At the end of band practice, he would always go through the mistakes he caught through it and go down a list of things we needed to fix like a football coach going over the next play. 

“What about your baseline on the second verse, Connie? It wasn’t as clean as it used to be. It was a bit lethargic.” said Armin, clearly pissed that Connie was the only one not getting scolded. 

“I, unlike some, am well aware of my shortcomings and willing to work on them, Arlert.” he said in a snobby tone. Armin then stuck his tongue out but was ignored by Connie as he made his way over to Sasha, placing his hands on her shoulders.

“Hey guys, let's take a break from bickering. I got a new song.” I said getting up and strapping my guitar back on. 

“Let’s hear it, hippie.” Jean said, taking another bite out of his cookie as Marco sat there right next to him against the wall, asleep on his shoulder. Today was the day I could finally show the band a new song I wrote for Levi because he didn’t come to watch practice today. He had been coming for the past few weeks and would often just scoff at Jean and Marco and ignore the fact that Armin was there. We’d usually go out for coffee or a snack afterward so it was nice having him around.

“Yeah Eren play it! It's been a month since you got a new one for us and we need new material for the show next week.” said Sasha as she bit down on a hamburger Connie had bought her a bit before practice. 

“Wait. Next week is April fools day! Shit Hippie does that mean I have to come to your shitty concert? I was gonna take Macro to a fancy restaurant!” exclaimed Jean, food still in his mouth. 

“You’re taking me to a fancy restaurant?” Marco said in a sweet tone with gleaming eyes and a wide smile, clearly awoken by Jean’s yelling. 

“Of course. Anything for you baby.” 

“I love you baby.”

“I love you.” they said as they slowly inched to each other's faces, eventually slamming into an aggressive french kiss. Alright let me explain. February is the busiest time for us. Jean has this illegal skate tournament that goes on for a month straight every year. Marco is busy supporting him and being a social justice warrior for black history month. Mikasa is busy getting ready to switch trimesters and does stunts for Annie’s weird obscure films she has to submit by March to a festival. Me, Connie, Sasha and Armin go to this 3 day music festival that happens to be held around Valentines day. I took Levi with us this year and Armin was of course being weird about him being there. I kind of understand because it was our band’s thing, but Armin brought a date last year I really didn’t get the big deal. Anyways, since Valentine's day was a day none of us could really do anything, we all kind of just replaced it with April fools day and now it’s a big joke. Levi didn’t really seem to get it but he said he’d play along.

“Boooo! Get a room!” groaned Sasha. But they didn’t stop of course. “Eren, are we gonna have time after the concert? Me and Connie were going paintballing. And don’t you have anything planned with Levi?” she continued, now looking into my eyes with a bit of hope. I then noticed Armin roll his eyes a bit, as he usually did when Levi was brought up. I ignored it.

“Yeah I do, that’s why we're playing the new song at the concert. And that's why I actually scheduled it for that day.” I said excitedly. But my wave of happiness was cut short with an explosion from the person I least expected. 

“Holy fuck Eren! You’ve got to be fucking with me. You’re telling me I am supposed to play a pathetic little love song for your little emo midget?! Really?! We all have lives Eren! And they don’t revolve around your little romance with the guy who used to date the girl you cheated on me with! And I’m the one who’s still alone?! Forget it! I’m not playing the fucking show! In fact, I’ve tried to put up with this bullshit for how long now?! Don’t expect me to show up to any of the practices anymore! But hey, maybe Levi can replace me with that too!” yelled Armin before storming out of the room with his guitar strapped fully to his back. And the door slammed shut behind him. For once, Jean and Marco pulled away from each other, food was actually falling out of Sasha’s mouth and Connie didn’t have any stupid teasing remark to add. Those words cut so deep I feared the wounds wouldn’t heal. He had really said it all. And the more I thought about it, the more I found out that there was no other way to put it. Was this how he had felt the entire time? That I was replacing him? It was then that an insurmountable level of guilt washed over me. I should be the one who’s alone. I should be suffering the consequences. How could I allow myself to be happy when the person I hurt still hadn’t recovered? 

Then the familiar feeling of the world closing in on me shut in and everything went black all around me. Shit. Not this again.


	27. Chapter 27

“Armin. Please call me back, I’m sorry. I just...I want to talk.” I said into the phone answering his voicemail for the 10th time. I landed in the hospital again after my blackout. I made sure I wouldn’t tell Levi about this. I didn’t want to worry him and it was not a big deal anyways. Apparently it wasn’t too bad this time and my friends knew what to do so they managed to calm me down a bit. Still, I had the lingering feeling in the back of my head that I would just get another.

I was sitting against the wall at mine and Levi’s usual spot. He wasn’t here yet so I took the opportunity to call Armin and try and set things right. I was worried. He hadn’t showed up to school in days. I even called his mother and she said he was busy but I knew it was because of me. I knew his sleep wasn’t doing well. He had reminded me that I could never move on. I could never forgive myself. How could I be the one to have good things come my way when I was the one who made a stupid mistake. It was all my fault. I felt a tear roll down my eye and I just let go. I started sobbing violently, burying my face in my palms and shaking. I hated myself. I hated what I had done to Armin and how I had been so weak that day. My weakness is what caused this in the first place. If only I had been strong enough to not kiss back. If only I had been strong enough to not drink. If only I had been strong enough to ask for help. If only I had been strong enough to fight off my piano teacher as he pinned me to the ground and stripped me of any innocence I had left. If only I had the strength to even look at that instrument anymore. But my thoughts were interrupted by the feeling of someone’s hand gently pressing my shoulder. I quickly jerked my head up, and saw him, Levi, with a concerned, and scared look on his face.

“Jaeger?” he asked, probably confused. The sight of him was equally heartbreaking as Armin’s harsh words ringing in my head. It was a reminder of how undeserving I was of him. I then began to sob even more, dropping my head back into my forearms and nearly forgetting how to breath. “Shh shh shhh.” he shushed as he quickly bent down and pulled me into his arms. “What’s going on Eren? You’re scaring me, talk to me baby.” he said in the most frantic, but soft and kind tone I had ever heard come out of his mouth. I had never heard him call me “baby” before. But it sounded nice, and I wished he would more often. It felt like it was a way to tell me he was protecting me. He was warm, and for once I was the one being held. I was the one sobbing in his chest, curled up against him.

“L-Levi.” I struggled to speak as I was still crying really hard. “I-I hurt him so bad. I hurt him so bad and I can’t take it back. W-what if I do it to you too? What if I hurt you too?” I continued. He was rubbing my back and holding me tight, but the way he tensed up a bit hinted to me that he knew exactly what I was talking about. He sighed and held me even tighter. His heartbeat was faster than it usually was.

“Oh Eren…” he breathed. He paused for a minute as I continued to cry in his arms. He was figuring out what to say. What if he broke up with me right then and there? Maybe he couldn’t handle this side of me. “Calm down baby you’re gonna suffocate if you don’t breathe. I know you won’t hurt me.” he continued. 

“H-how do you know?” I quivered. He then lightly scoffed and chuckled a bit. 

“That’s easy.” He said lifting my chin to look at him. “Because those eyes of yours tell me you know it was a mistake. And they tell me that you’re too kind to hurt anyone that way.” he said with a sweet smile. The sweetest smile I had seen from him. “And you know what I think Eren?” he asked. I shook my head, still mesmerized by the shape of his lips as they spread from corner to corner. “I think that there’s a lot that I don’t know. There’s a lot even Armin doesn't know. And for my sweet, caring, Eren to be crying this hard; for my compassionate, intelligent Eren to be suffering like this, someone must have really broken him.” he finished now gently caressing my cheek. Something about hearing those words come out of his mouth ignited something in me. Was I really sweet and caring like he said I was? How could he describe me as compassionate after knowing what I had done? How could he call me intelligent when I was a German boy who didn’t even know how to pronounce “Nietzsche” correctly? Was this how he saw me? The tears had stopped rolling down my cheeks and I just stared at him as he looked at me lovingly, wiping away any tears that had fallen before. “Do me a favour Eren, and forgive yourself already. Because I promise that the only way you could be hurting me, is if I saw you like this again”.

We stayed outside for a good half an hour. This was a side of Levi that was so different. As much as it made me feel safe and as much as I loved it, I didn’t want to have to see it again. I had a feeling he only really brought it out when he needed to. The silence was so comforting. I had continued to cry just a little bit and he told me it was ok and that I should let out whatever I needed to let out as he ran his fingers through my hair. So I just kept crying. It felt like I had been storing these tears for an eternity. It felt like any sadness I had trapped inside me was spilling out like a waterfall. And it felt so good. Levi’s heartbeat was like a lullaby and the sound of his voice made my chest ache in the best way. His smile was hypnotic and the way he would lightly touch my face made it too overwhelming for me to hold it in anymore.

“Levi...I love you” I whispered into his chest. I closed my eyes and held my breath. He could either say it back or he wouldn’t be ready. Or worse, he may never feel that way about me. I was prepared to accept any outcome but I preferred one over the others obviously. He then kissed me on the forehead, pulled me into an even tighter hug and I felt the most warm feeling in my chest when I heard those words come out of his mouth.

“I… I love you too Eren.”


	28. Chapter 28

Time had passed since that day. I later found out that Armin changed schools and was now going to Rose Academy. It's a private boarding school that he got a scholarship to but decided to stay at our public school because he didn’t want to leave me and we were still dating at the time. It also meant that we had to disband until we could find another guitarist. That really affected me. If I didn’t have music in my life I would always have this hole in my heart that I couldn't fill. I had quit the piano but I was able to substitute for it with the band. And now that I didn’t have that it felt like I was truly at a loss. I could practice my guitar on my own but it wasn’t the same. I liked the idea of depending on one another to create a complete and advanced sound with my friends. Levi’s words from that day did make me feel better, but it didn’t stop me from spiraling into this hole of none stop thinking. Mikasa was keeping a close eye on me so whenever I’d have near panic attacks, she would always be there to de-escalate it before it got to a point where I’d have to go to the hospital. It was lucky Levi didn’t see any of it. I didn’t want him to see me as any more pathetic than he already did. I didn’t want him to see me like he did when we first met, and I bruised his arm from holding on so tight. I felt such a huge amount of guilt. I had caused so much pain for so many people including Levi. I wasn’t really coming to school anymore. I couldn’t bring myself to get out of my bed. Levi was really sweet and he knew how much that new guitar and my grades meant to me, so he did all my homework. That caused me to feel even more guilty that I was adding all this work on him. Mikasa explained what happened to my parents and they kind of gave me space. They knew how sensitive the whole thing was and did their best to be there for me. On the days I did come to school, Levi wouldn’t leave my side until I had a class separate from him. I was usually not well kept when I showed up so sometimes people would give me funny looks. Levi holding my hand often made me feel safe however. Our friend groups had kind of melded together during lunches so we would sit together even then. I would have trouble eating but Mikasa and him made an effort to force me. Funny how the roles kind of reversed. Him and Mikasa kind of started working together and even exchanged numbers so they could keep tabs on me. He even came to my house after school most days and would eat with my family. Him and my dad seemed to get along pretty nicely, which was one good thing that came out of this I guess. Maybe I was just being one big crybaby, but I couldn’t shake this feeling that the whole world was destined to come crashing back onto me right from the very start.

“Levi?” I spoke as we laid in my bed. Lately, most of what we did together consisted of me laying pathetically in my bed, him coming in and hanging out while he did our homework and cuddling afterwards till I fell asleep. Something about it diluted a lot of the internal hurt I felt.

“What is it Eren?” He started calling me by my first name a lot more instead of his casual little nicknames. Although it was music to my ears, I missed the feeling of us being able to lightheartedly hold a conversation and for me to annoy him from time to time. It was my fault we didn’t have that anymore too. 

“Am I a burden to you?” He pulled me into a tighter hug and I felt snug despite him being a lot smaller than me.

“Why would you ever think that?” 

“I’m taking up your time. You’re doing both of our homeworks and that has to be overwhelming, not to mention the fact that you’re always checking on me. You never have any time to yourself.

“I feel way more overwhelmed not knowing if you’re alright or not than doing extra silly homework.” 

“But I feel like you're always worrying about me.” I replied.

“I am always worrying about you,” he said, lifting his head a bit to look over at me, brushing my hair out of my face. 

“I don’t want you to.” I said with a shake quiver to my voice. 

“I’ll worry about you for as long as I need to. I’ll worry about you until I see you smile again.” I shuffled and turned around to look at him. The moonlight made his eyes look so beautiful. He really did look worried and that hurt me. It hurt me that I was hurting him. No matter what I did, I was always hurting someone. An unexpected tear fell and slowly glided down my cheek before I even realized I was crying. I’m so weak. I can’t even be strong for him. He was the one being strong for me. Levi sighed and brought me into his chest as my tears wet his shirt. 

“Eren, Eren, Eren.” He whispered. “I miss you so much. I need Eren back.” I continued to cry and bury my face in his chest as I began shaking a bit. “I don’t like the way that kid spoke to you Eren. There’s a limit to how you hold people accountable.”

“W-what do you mean? I-I des-served it though” I continued. 

“Everyone messes up. Everyone. And in my opinion, Petra messed up a lot more than you did.” I didn’t reply. I just continued crying. “I want you to listen to me Eren. I mean really listen.” he continued. “I’ve always thought this and didn’t want to bring it up. But based on the details that I know, you were the victim.” My heart stopped and my eyes widened as I heard those words. How could I be the victim? “You were taken advantage of. You were heavily under the influence and anyone who saw that video could have easily seen that. Hell the fact that there even was a video in the first place proves how much of a victim you were. You went through something horrible and he failed to see that. He failed to see that you were the one that needed support. That you were the one who was hurt. You were the one who needed justice. And not only did he fail to see that, but he proceeded to guilt trip the shit out of you. No wonder you can’t move on.” There was a thick silence. No one had ever told me that. Everyone always told me what a big fuck up I did. And it hurt even more knowing I couldn’t turn back time. It hurt even more knowing I wasn’t even in the right state of mind to make that choice. But the way Levi explained the way he saw it made me think. He was….right. He was right. Somehow, that’s what slowly started to give me a bit of peace of mind. I looked up from his chest and he cupped my cheek in his hand. “Can you stop punishing yourself now and bring back Eren?” He said with a bit of a chuckle and lightly shaking me so I would snap out of it. Suddenly I heard the creak of my door and saw a bit of light come into the room. Before I could check who it was, I felt another set of arms wrap themselves around me. The wisps of black hair and the strength of their arms were enough to tell me it was Mikasa. And she was crying. 

“I’m so sorry Eren! Levi’s right! It wasn’t your fault and we should’ve known that! We all should’ve known that! I want you to be happy! You deserve to be happy!” She cried out. Typical Mikasa. She must have been listening at the door.


	29. Chapter 29

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Conflict coming soon. Sorry I have to lol.

Soon enough, the storm clouds started to clear, and I felt life slowly begin to shift back to normal, minus Armin unfortunately. I had done a lot of thinking about what Levi had said. It wasn’t difficult to guess after that conversation that Levi didn’t like Armin and hadn’t for a while. But not in the way he didn’t like Jean. I’m pretty sure that was more of a joke. Now that we were both spending more time with each of our friends, Jean had actually taken a liking to Levi and he soon realized that most of Jean’s behaviour was ironic. They had an interesting relationship. Connie and Sasha surprisingly got really close with Erwin and Hange, and Levi, I think, enjoyed their company the most. But when it came to Armin, the way Levi would speak about him showed that he had a genuine hatred for him. He always said that he detested the way he spoke to me and that he should learn to get over what happened. But Armin was gone now, so it didn’t matter. We still don’t have a guitarist to replace him but I had learned how to play both parts and sing. It was really difficult and Connie would scold me twice as hard but at least I could play music.

Not to my surprise, Levi, Mikasa and Annie became pretty attached to each other. They all had a similar way of communicating to people and they all had some stuff in common. Turns out that Levi was crazy good Aikido which happened to be one of the many martial arts Mikasa dominated in. So they would often wrestle each other and test each other’s strength. They were surprisingly evenly matched which was rare because of that superhuman strength Mikasa has. As for him and Annie, they listened to all the same music and watched all the same movies so they always had something to talk about. Another good thing that had come about was him gradually becoming more comfortable in the bedroom. I was able to start going at paces I preferred and he was way freakier than I thought he was. Like, way freakier. Not complaining though. He was really good at it. I did regret one thing though. During my whole little episode, we couldn’t do anything for fake Valentine’s day or April fool’s Day and I felt so guilty. I had everything all planned out. I was gonna bring him to the show and play him the song. Then we would go drive around the city in my car with his favourite music, go to this art gallery that was showing and then spend the rest of the night at my place. It would be empty anyways since Mikasa had been hanging out with Annie a bit more and my parents were always busy so I knew they wouldn’t be home. It would be perfect. But then everything had happened. He was still really sweet about it and ended up coming over with a bunch of junk food and rental movies. We just held each other the whole night and it was what I needed back then. Next year I’ll do something. I found it cool that I could see myself still being with Levi in a year.

“Sasha, Connie, these are the parts for a new song.” I said while handing them sheets of music. 

“Eren, I told you I don’t read sheet music. I learn it by ear. Not everyone was a weird music prodigy in their early childhood.” he said clearly annoyed. 

“Well you’re gonna have to learn soon cause I just wanna jump right into it yeah?” I said innocently. 

“Just play the song Eren and then teach us the parts like you always do.” Sasha whined.

Practice went pretty smooth after that. It felt unnatural without Armin, but we had gotten used to it by now. They ended up loving the song. Now all we needed to do was get it perfect and find a place to perform it. But now I was going over to pick up Levi so we could go to Isabel’s and hang out with their whole group. They were having a game night.

Levi: You wanna bring Sasha and Connie over too?

Me: Nah. Band practice just finished and they’re hanging out with Jean and Marco later.

Levi: Alright. Don’t forget the snacks.

Me: way ahead of u :)

Levi: you*

Me: Your never gonna let that go are you?

Levi: you’re*

“Guys, I’m out. Good luck with the public fornicaters.” I said, packing up my guitar and strapping it over my shoulders.

“Wait! Eren, there’s something important I need to tell you,” Sasha said, reaching for my arm. The mood had completely changed. Her and Connie had the same look on their face and they seemed unsure of whether they should tell me what was apparently so important. 

“Listen man...I don’t know how you’re gonna react to this or how you’re feel about it but-”

“Just tell me guys, I’m sure it can’t be that bad.”

“Armin’s back.” Sasha blurted out. The room became quiet and I froze with my hand on the doorknob. We all kind of just looked at each other for a few seconds.

“For good?” I finally asked. Genuinely curious.

“He’s back for the break. We saw him at the mall and we chatted for a while. He wants to talk, Eren.” I clenched my fists a little and struggled not to grit my teeth. After all this time; after all the voicemails I sent him. Now he wanted to talk? He let me rot away as I beat myself up and drown in guilt and now he wanted to talk? “Eren, say something” she continued. I just kept quiet, took a deep breath and walked out of the studio. I passed the point of being able to say anything.

“Earth to Eren!” Isabel said, waving her hand over my face. I finally snapped out of my thoughts. “It’s your turn to roll” she said, passing me the dice. I had been quiet the entire night. I was thinking about what Sasha and Connie had told me. Armin is back and he wants to talk. What could he possibly want to say? My thoughts were interrupted by the feeling of Levi’s hand touching mine. I looked over to him to see him looking right back at me, clearly concerned. 

“What’s wrong?” he said bluntly.

“Nothing’s wrong, I’m just tired.” I said with a light fake smile.

“You know what you need Jaeger boy, you need drinks!” said Hange as she brought bottles of cheap tequila and vodka toward the table. I know I said I didn’t drink anymore, but a drink didn’t seem too bad right now. I needed to clear my head. I needed to let loose. I was probably being one hell of a buzzkill right now. 

“Eren doesn’t drink Hange.” Levi quickly interjected.

“It’s ok, I could use a drink right now.” I replied. 

“Jaeger, you're not drinking.” Levi said with a sternness to his voice. 

“Come on Levi, he can make his own decisions. He’s 18 now.” added Furlan.

“Guys, he’s not drinking tonight, got it?” Levi said, starting to get a bit angry, squeezing my hand a bit tighter.

“Levi, I’ll be fine.” I said as Erwin began to pour the shots. 

“Eren, I don’t like this. You’re terrified of alcohol and you never drink. What the hell is wrong? Did something happen?” He whispered a bit so others wouldn’t hear. I ignored him.

The night went on and I eventually got a bit rowdy. Levi was still a bit worried but started to loosen up a bit eventually. One shot turned into two shots, then into three, and next thing you know I’m 12 shots in. I had done it mostly behind Levi’s back when he went to the bathroom and he got really mad at Hange and Erwin for giving me that much. Most of what he was saying was a blur but he had to talk to them in a corner like a mother giving their child a lecture for stealing a cookie. 

“Jaeger, we’re leaving.” He said aggressively tugging my arm to the entrance. 

“Comee onn let’s stayy a bit.” I protested while I stumbled around. 

“Now.” He said, grasping arm tighter if it was even possible. 

“See you later Erenn!” Said Erwin, slurring his words with his arm around Hange, trying not to fall. We then both giggled a bit before Levi gave them the finger and slammed the door behind us. 

“Leviii I wanted to stayy.” I said as he threw me in the backseat of the car. He didn’t say anything. He slammed the car door and got in the driver's seat.

“Keys.” he said, putting his hands out so I could give him the keys. I just fumbled around but I was too lazy to put in any effort. He sighed and crawled in the back beginning to look for my pockets as he touched me in multiple areas. I began to get slightly aroused and felt myself getting hard. I giggled like a child and wrapped my arms around him. He then scoffed and chuckled a bit as I tried pulling him into the seat. He tried to resist at first but lost his balance and ended up tumbling on top of me earning a laugh from the both of us. “Stop. I’m still mad at you.” I pulled him closer into a kiss and it took him a bit of time to finally pull away. “You reek of alcohol”. I tried kissing him again but this time he was strong enough to resist and get back in the front of the car. He then looked at the ignition and sighed leaning his head back realizing what he had forgotten. “Jesus, Jaeger give me the goddamn keys!” 

“Fine, fine.” I then reached into my back pocket and placed them in his hand.

“Thank you.” He started the car and pulled out of the driveway and onto the mainroad. The music that had been playing before turned on but it wasn’t too loud so it didn’t scare us or anything.

“Sober up.” He said passing a bottle of water, his eyes still on the road. I sloppily took it and started drinking. “I’m gonna have to stay the night at yours since we took your car. Is anyone home?” He asked, looking in the mirror, to check on me. I shook my head. Dad had a business trip that mom tagged along at and Mikasa was having a sleepover. 

The drive was long, and I was still pretty drunk, but eventually I started to feel a little more put together. But then Armin came into my thoughts again like a blade piercing my skin. I didn’t have alcohol anymore. There must be some way to distract myself. I unbuckled my seat belt and crept up behind Levi, touching his pecs and beginning to suck on his neck. He sighed and gave me a light tap on the arm telling me to quit it. But I didn’t want to. He smelled good. He tasted good and he was helping me forget.

“You’re distracting me.” he said, trying to get my arms that were now wrapped around him completely off. But I didn’t let him. He then grabbed one of my hands and kissed it before setting it down and away from him. I was still kissing his neck. “Jaeger, please, I don’t want to get into a crash.” I finally stopped and huffed, leaning back into the seat. 

“Play music.” I said in a similar tone to a five year old.

“I am playing music.”

“It’s not loud enough”

“Yes it is.” 

“No it isn’t” 

“Yes it is!”

“No it isn’t!” Levi then sighed and paused for a bit.

“You are such a baby.” He then turned up the volume a bit higher. It was a rock song that I knew pretty well but was still too drunk to remember the name of. He then began humming along to the song and lightly tapping on the steering wheel. This made me happy for some odd reason and a devious smile crept up my face. I proceeded to turn the volume all the way up which surprised him causing him to shriek slightly. I then giggled a bit before I started violently bobbing my head and singing at the top of my lungs. I looked over to him to see him smiling. He then joined me and sang at the top of his lungs while simultaneously bopping his head to the music. He wasn’t the best singer but I’m pretty sure he knew that. 

We had finally pulled into the driveway of my house. We both had lots of energy and were laughing at some silly thing I had said back in the car pretty loudly. I wanted to touch Levi. I wanted to forget the thought of Armin wanting to talk. Without even thinking, I quickly got out of the car causing me to fall to my face. He started laughing hysterically and before I knew it, I saw a faint flash meaning he had taken a picture. But that didn’t matter. All I wanted to do was touch him. He helped me up and I fell forward before he caught me in time and threw me over his shoulders. I just hung loose and playfully kicked my feet.

“Eren. Enough.” He said sternly. He sounded a lot like my father. He was so strong. I want to touch him. He closed the door behind us before letting me down on the couch and making his way to the kitchen, probably to make some tea as he often did. After I managed to get my dizziness under control, I made my way to the kitchen as quickly as I could and grabbed him from behind as he dried a cup with a washcloth. He once again sighed very loudly and turned around. But I just hugged him and leaned on his shoulder. He then patted me on the back signaling me to get off just like before but I didn’t want to. Once again, I started sucking on his neck. “Eren.” he once again complained. I hummed but continued kissing his neck. “You’re too drunk for us to do this. I wouldn’t take advantage of you like that.” But I just kept going. “Eren.” he slightly moaned. It was working. “Eren ..” he whispered. It wasn’t long before he finally gave in and began kissing me back. I was rock hard now and I knew it was because I was drunk but I didn’t shy away from the sensation.

“Touch me Levi.” I moaned. But then, he stopped. I whined. He then grabbed me by the hand and led me to the bedroom. He seemed pretty exhausted from babysitting me. But the less he touched me the more I thought of Armin. He threw me on my bed, but to my surprise, didn’t join me like I wanted him to and began searching my drawers for pijamas. I didn’t want to give up. Once he found what he was looking for, he turned around and saw me doing the most seductive pose I could. Like Marylin Monroe. He put his hand over his face and stifled a laugh.

“Eren, I told you this isn’t happening tonight.”

“But whyyyy?” I whined again. He then pulled off my pants and I moaned pretty loudly.

“Jesus Christ you’re horny when you’re drunk.” And to my disappointment, he just put the pajama pants on me. Before he could get up to find my shirt, I pulled him in by the waist and began kissing him. He resisted at first but began kissing back. I prayed and prayed that he would touch me. But he didn’t. He sure had a lot of self restraint. He pulled away, and when I tried to kiss him again, he put a hand over my lips which I evidently just ended up kissing as well. “Oh. My. God.” He yanked it away and got up from off the bed. Eventually he was able to find a pair of pajamas for himself and I ended up catcalling him while he undressed. He tucked me in like a child and got in the bed next to me. I of course began touching him again and trying to get him to touch me back, but instead he just spooned me really tightly, forcing me to be still. I struggled a while but it was no use. He was a lot stronger than I was right now so I just remained there, frustrated on a child-like level. Eventually, I got pretty drowsy and began singing a song in my head that went along to the rhythm of his heartbeat. Before I completely dozed off though, I heard a bunch of familiar nonsense.

“Spero vos scitis quanta ego te amo.” he whispered in my ear.

“What language are you speaking now?” I muttered in his chest as I continued to pay attention to the comforting sound of his heart.

“It's latin for: I hope you know how much I love you.” I couldn’t help but blush as he spoke those words though. “You know you can tell me anything right? I’m worried something happened.” he continued. I didn’t answer. He kissed me on the forehead and I finally drifted off to sleep in his arms.


	30. Chapter 30

“Eren.” said a familiar voice. It was definitely a guy but there was a hint of femininity to their tone. 

“Who’s there?” I replied in slight panic. It was pretty dark and I couldn’t see anything.

“You don’t recognize me Eren? You told me you loved me.” said the voice again. It echoed throughout the entire room. It was then that it hit me. 

“A-Armin?” I said hesitantly. He then walked into the light. It was the old Armin. He had his girlish haircut and wasn’t as strong anymore. This was the Armin that I used to love. He got closer to me and wrapped his arms around my shoulders.

“Let’s dance Eren.” He whispered in my ear. Then, music began playing out of nowhere. I didn’t know the name of the song but I knew I had heard it multiple times. I put my arms around his waist and we began swaying. 

“I missed this.” I said softly. It was then that he pulled away and pushed me forward. I landed on a bed and my surroundings were changed to what I recognized to be his bedroom.

“Do you wanna touch me Eren?” he said, crawling up onto me and straddling my hips. 

“No. I can’t. I love..” What was their name again? Armin then began kissing my neck and whispering sweet things. “Please stop I’m with…” damn it! What was their name?

“Say my name Eren.” he whispered. I didn’t. I couldn’t. I felt as if I was betraying somebody I deeply cared about. But in this moment, I felt lust and a magnetic pull towards Armin. “Say my name Eren.” he whispered once again, moving his hands all over my upper body. I resisted again, but finally gave in when he requested one more time. “Say my name.”

“Mhhh Armin”.

Everything went black and I slowly fluttered my eyes open to see Levi, sitting up next to me, looking at me in horror. I was confused at first, but then it clicked. ‘Shit shit shit shit shit!’ Did I say that out loud or was I just dreaming it? Based on the way Levi was staring, I was probably right in assuming that I had said that out loud. What have I done? 

He shifted away and sat at the edge of the bed. We sat there for a bit in silence before I finally decided to speak. 

“Levi I’m so sorry I don’t know wha-”

“Shut it” he interrupted. He had never spoken to me like this before. I always thought he was cold but this was something else. He was combative, and there was a hint of heartbreak in this voice. “Of course that’s what this is. God how could I have been so naive?” He continued. Still refusing to look at me. My heart ached. “You still love him don’t you? You still love him goddamnit and you knew you couldn’t fix your relationship so you go searching for someone that reminds you of him to replace him. Sure I’m not the obvious choice. Unlike him, I’m just a pessimistic son of a bitch who obsesses over germs and he’s this happy, stupid fucking ray of sunshine or whatever.” he said flailing his arms. 

“No! Levi I-”

“But we’re really the same aren’t we? We both probably do really well in school, he probably knows the same fucking books and references I do, we both have trouble sleeping. Not to mention the fact that we had ‘coincidentally’ picked the same art gallery. I’m assuming he’s somewhat of an artist too then? Am I not correct?” I just sat there in silence while hot tears welled up that I was fighting so desperately to not let fall. “Fuck Jaeger!” he cried out burrying his face in the palms of his hands. He was right. He knew from the start. Which was probably why he never wanted to open up to me in the first place. But what he didn’t know was that I actually loved him. I loved him so much. But I didn’t know what was happening with Armin and I was so confused about everything. “Well are you gonna say something?” he said, jerking his head to me. I couldn’t find the words. He looked down at his lap. “Tch! Pathetic.” he whispered. 

“Levi please wait!” I pleaded, tears rolling down my cheeks as I tried to stop him from reaching for his shirt. But he shrugged me off. “Levi please give me another chance I-” 

“Save it!” he cussed as he grabbed his backpack and stormed out of my room to make his way downstairs. I ran after him. I couldn’t let him leave. Not like this. 

“Levi! I don’t want you to leave. Please!” I pleaded once again. My voice trembled. He grabbed the doorknob and without a second of hesitation until I grabbed his wrist, spun him around so he could face me and I just let it out: “Levi you’re my whole world! I love you!!” He looked at me and softened his expression. His eyes were sad now but he shed no tears. His hands slowly made their way to cup my face as he stood on his tiptoes to press his forehead against mine. I sighed out in relief and let a tear fall down my cheeks which he wiped away with his thumb. His breath was uneven and so was mine. And then, he kissed me, one last time. It was soft, and passionate but not long. He pulled away, and softly whispered:

“You love the idea of me.”


	31. Chapter 31 part 1

1 year and a half years earlier 

“Armin! Eren! We’re over here!” Shouted Marco from the other end of the diner. Annie was staring down at her phone mindlessly and not paying any attention to me and Armin. Jean and Marco were in the middle of an argument so were exchanging glares. This would be over in a few hours, don’t worry. Connie and Sasha were flirting with each other in the only awkward way they knew how. Those two are gonna end up together one day for sure, but I can’t say I didn’t see them as anything more than just really good friends. Perhaps they were confusing those feelings for romantic ones. Sasha should really go for Nicolo, he’s totally in love with her and I think they’d be good together. But who was I to interfere with their personal lives. Things would work out in the end.

Armin and I walked over to the table and we all exchanged a greeting.

“Guys, band is cancelled tomorrow by the way. Connie’s sister has a fever and he has to stay and take care of her. And I have a family reunion.” said Sasha as she took a massive bite into her double cheeseburger.

“That’s fine. Ar, you wanna just hang out and write together then?” I said, looking over at him.

“Alright love.” he replied brightly after taking a sip from his water. He then kissed me on the cheek lightly, making my face feel all warm.

“Gross.” mumbles Jean. 

“Says you.” I reply. The whole table kind of ‘oohed’ and I smirked at him as he scowled.

“Mikasa, can you be in my short film again? Nobody does the stunts right.” said Annie, still not looking wavy from her phone. 

“Yeah I got you.” Mikasa replied. “What are we thinking this time?” 

“I’ll show you the script in a bit.” 

“By the way Eren.” I hummed in response as she caught my attention and I stopped playing with Armin’s fingertips. “Mom and dad saw your report card. You’re in for it.” I groaned at that thought. I passed all my courses, but just barely. Dad being a doctor and mom being a Harvard graduate lawyer, this was not looking good for me.

“Oh well.” I replied, returning my attention to Armin’s hands and analyzing the calyces that had formed. He was practicing a lot lately.

“Oh well? Eren, next year you're a junior. Have you not thought of college at all?” she added.

“Mikasa.” I said sternly. She huffed. 

“All done.” Armin suddenly interjected, holding a piece of paper in front of my face. It was another drawing of me, except I looked pretty pisssed in this one. I looked like I was arguing. I hadn’t even noticed he had been drawing. I wrapped my arm around him and kissed him on the cheek before I gave my opinion.

“You made me look way better than I actually do today.”

“Nonsense. If anything I didn’t make you pretty enough.”

“Get a room!” Jean shouted in his palms.

“Jean, didn’t you and Marco literally fuck in a Wendy’s bathroom once?” Armin said. Both him and Marco became all flushed as the entire group began laughing and pointing fingers at them.

We all kind of moved on from the subject and stayed at the diner for a few hours. Eventually, me and Armin decided to leave early. He whispered to me that he wanted to spend some time alone with me. How could I say no to that? It was relatively warm out today. We decided to hang out near the ocean and kind of just watch the boats. It was something we did often.

“Your eyes kind of look like the water.” I said. 

“That’s like the millionth time you’ve told me that,” he said as he giggled a bit, leaning on the edge of the gate

“It’s true though.” He rested his head on my shoulder and I breathed in the salty smell of the little waves crashing in.   
“I don’t deserve you.” he whispered.

“What? If anything I don’t deserve you. And why the sudden seriousness?” I asked, still watching the dancing water flicker against the rays of sunset. He didn’t answer. He just turned his head to look at me before subtly chuckling to himself. “What?” I asked with a similar grin.

“You know you’d look really good if you grew out your hair.” he continued, still trying to hide his amusement.

“Yeah? You don’t like this length?” I asked.

“No, I like it. You look good regardless, but it’d be fun if I had something to pull on.” he said running his fingers through my hair and moving my head around. 

“You also said you wanted me to get a tongue piercing for better head. You kinky little shit.” I nudged him before I giggled in return.

“Says you! I still have bite marks from the other night.” he nudged me back.

“You tell me if you want me to stop that by the way.”

“I told you I liked it.” although he said that, I still had a huge fear of going too far one a day. “You wanna do something?” he said, now shooting up and turning me to face him. His eyes lit up and a smile was growing on his face. 

“Something?” 

“Yep.” Before I could answer he grabbed me by the wrist and brought me to the nearest subway station. He rummaged around in his bag before pulling out two small cards. They were fake I.Ds. One of them had my name and face on it. Oh lord he did not.

“Shit! Armin where did you get these!” I whispered as I yanked mine out of his hand to look for any flaws. And checking around us to see if anyone was around. It was relatively empty today. 

“Hitch hooked me up.” he said.

“And what exactly are you planning on doing with them?” I asked somewhat playfully.

“Let’s do everything we’re not allowed to do.” he whispered in my ear. My eyes widened but I couldn’t help but stifle a laugh as he slowly began leading me in the subway cart. I wasn’t gonna stop him. He looked pretty young but I was pretty passable as an adult, so this shouldn’t be a problem. We went around town looking for weed shops, and gas stations. We bought a bunch of cheap liquor and a bunch of drugs we knew were legal, somehow. Luckily we had enough money from our last show. I was shocked at how we hadn't got caught since we were both snickering uncontrollably everytime we walked into those stores. He had been left home alone for a week. His parents trusted him not to do anything like this which made it all the more ironic.   
We brought all the stuff over there and just went to town. Both of us hadn’t really done all this stuff all at once and I wondered if it was dangerous.

“Eren.” he slowly said as he squinted at the ceiling with his back on the ground.

“Arminin.” I mumbled. 

“Did you just call me Armininin?” he asked, slurring his words. 

“No. I called you Amrinin.” I replied in a similar manner. We both burst out into laughter and rolled around on the floor.

“I love you Eren. I hope you never get eaten by a bear.” I turned my head to look at him he latched on to my hand as we both lay on our backs.

“What?” I asked, chuckling at his unexpected phrase.

“I don’t even know. Drugs dude.” he said, matching my tone.

“I hope you never get eaten by a bear too.” Although this moment was relatively goofy and lighthearted, the more I looked at him, hazy eyes and parted lips, the more I couldn't get the warmth in my chest from bubbling. I loved him. I loved him. We stayed a bit longer, saying ridiculous things to each other that would only come out of a high person’s mouth.

“You know Eren? I think you’re the love of my life.” That only made that feeling more intense. We were both kind of coming down from our high which made all the words he was saying all the more meaningful.

“Don’t say that.” I replied bringing my hand to his cheek and tracing circles on it. 

“Why not?” he asked innocently.

“Because I heard somewhere that 80% of people say they don’t end up with the love of their life.” I replied, looking straight into those navy irises. He lifted himself up slightly and rested his head on my chest, while I played with his blond locks.

“Then I guess we’ll just have to be part of the other 20%.” he said softly. I sat up causing him to repeat the action and pressed my lips against his. Whenever I kissed Armin, all my doubts kind of washed away. It felt like no matter how bad life got, or how awful it was to remember my past, he was always there. He was the one part of my life that worked. The kiss got heated as I slipped my tongue in his mouth and he happily allowed me to continue as he brought hands to my face.

“How bout instead of saying I love you, we say that we hope we never get eaten by a bear?” He said, interrupting the kiss. I couldn’t help but break out into laughter. He always had the most unusual ways of expressing himself.

“I like that.” I smiled into his lips and continued kissing him.

“Eren.”

“Armin.” We both opened our eyes.

“I really hope you never get eaten by a bear.”


	32. Chapter 31 Part 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Massive trigger warning here!!!!! Implies sexual assault as well as murder.

I headed down the road on my way to Armin’s house with Mozart playing in the background. I hummed cheerily along to the piece as I pulled up a few streets away so his parents wouldn’t notice. The Arlerts were a really nice family over all and they really liked me. I would always come over for dinner and enjoyed playing board games with his little sister. But right now I wasn’t here to play board games. I was here to see Armin and make sure he was sleeping alright. And I don’t think his family would like me very much anymore if I showed up at their house at 2:00 in the morning. So I had to be discrete about it.

I climbed the ladder that was placed in its usual spot, leading up to his bedroom window. Once I reached the top I saw him curled up on his chair, reading a book. I couldn’t fully read the title but it was something by Aristotle. That little nerd. I sighed and rolled my eyes at the fact that he was still awake. I guess this was why I was here anyways. I lightly tapped on the window with my finger and he quickly looked up from his book, giving me a relieved smile. He hopped over to the window and opened it so I could crawl in. 

“Why the hell are you still up?” I said to him, grabbing him in a tight embrace. 

“I could ask you the same question, love.” he mumbled in my chest. He smelled of strawberries and coconuts, like the hair product he often used. I kissed him on the forehead before letting go and crashing onto the bed. 

“You know why.”

“Yeah, I do.” I smirked. 

“It’s so late. Have you even tried sleeping? I only came tonight to make sure you were rested for your debate. You said you wanted to beat Marlo.”

“You know how it can be sometimes. I guess I’ve been overthinking it.” he replied. He seems too tired to be joking around like he usually did. I looked around the room and noticed he had a new poster up on his wall of someone named ‘Friederich Nietzsche’. “Who’s Nit-ze-shay?” I asked scratching the surface of my head wondering if I had even said that correctly. 

He laughed pretty hard at that before coming over to sit beside me and responding: “The man who killed God”. He intertwined his fingers with mine and rested his head in the crook of my neck. What a peculiar achievement. I didn’t even know God was dead. But it was too late at night for me to ask him to elaborate. So I got up, turned the lights off then made my way back over to the bed to wrap my arms around him, pulling him down into a little spoon as we lay in his bed. I played with his hair and gently caressed his hand to put him to sleep. He was always thinking so he never slept. This usually seemed to help. I hated seeing him at school all disoriented and pale. It affected his grades too which always bothered him. After his breath had slowed down and his fidgeting had stopped for a couple minutes, I slowly, making sure not to wake him up, got up from out of his bed, and put the covers over him. It was a cold night after all. I then gently kissed his forehead before quietly exiting out the window and down the ladder. I slept well knowing he slept well. 

I had planned to do a cute gesture while I asked Armin to junior prom today. This was so unlike me. He was really bringing out a side of me I used to make fun of. I woke up early despite going to bed at 4:00 in the morning to make sure he was asleep. But that didn’t matter. My excitement was enough to keep me awake. I had bought some of his favourite candies. I knew I could be such a cliche sometimes but it made Armin happy so it made me happy. 

I was now on my way to the bookstore to go buy this one book he told me he was thinking of getting but didn't really have any money right now. I was pretty sure I remembered the title. Something to do with grapes and revenge. Or was it wrath? Yeah, that’s it. I walked into the bookstore. It wasn’t too far for my place so I was pretty familiar with the area. After a few minutes of searching, my sense of peace and calmness was quickly erased when I saw...him.I was in complete and utter disbelief as his sharp eyes focused on mine. I had to be hallucinating. Or perhaps I was dying and revisiting some part of my last before passing on. That was more bearable than the thought of him being here, in front of me, halting at me the same way he did all that time ago, millions of miles away. Reiner Braun. My old piano teacher from way back in Germany. He was the man who took it all away. My innocence, my trust in others, and my privacy since he had put it all online afterwards. All my bruises from when it happened showed in those videos and they spread like a wildfire. It was all over my school for a really long time. Kids would call me a fag and no one would talk to me because I was the apparently the one who initiated having sex with a man 3 times my age. Luckily, around this time, my dad was accepting a job in New York and we moved. No one but Mikasa and my family knew about this. Not even Armin. We were able to get all the pictures taken down from everywhere it was posted and shared. The police couldn’t really do anything about it so my dad had paid someone to “get the job done”. I still didn’t know what that meant but I had a feeling that if I did, I’d be involved in something pretty shady. I hated the fact that I had to live away from Germany. I was so happy there. I would actually get decent grades and had great friends. But I worked really hard to get rid of my accent and ended up really liking New York.

I thought I had escaped that horrific nightmare and here it was, staring at me in the face. I was petrified. Would he recognize me? I looked different. My hair was a bit longer and my build had gotten a lot bigger. I was a passing adult now. 

“Du bist noch schöner als damals, als ich dich das letzte Mal gesehen habe, meine Liebe (You are even more beautiful than when I last saw you, my dear).” He said maliciously. Ok so he definitely recognized me. I gritted my teeth. I guess that meant he had just been released from prison. I still can’t believe they only gave him only 3 years. I attempted to walk away. My hands were shaking and my face was hot. But not before he grabbed me by the wrist. That’s when I started to panic. He yanked the candies out of my hands and threw them on the ground. By now I was holding back tears as I was struggling to get free from his grip. He was always gonna be stronger than me. He was always gonna have this power over me. He had managed to pull me into a corner away from everyone in the store and pin me against the wall. I continued struggling as he whispered into my ear “Du warst ziemlich schwierig, meiner Liebe zu folgen. Aber ich habe dich gefunden (You have been quite difficult to follow my love. But i found you).” All the memories came flooding back. The ache I felt after. The smell of his cheap cologne and perspiration. By now I was sobbing uncontrollably and hyperventilating. But he had one hand over my mouth as the other held both my wrists together so no one could hear me. No. This wasn’t happening again. Determined to break free, I bit his hand and kicked him in the crotch. Thank god that was enough for him to let go and fall to the ground. I then proceeded to kick him. Kick him as hard as I could. I hated him. Hated him. I hated him. I just kicked and kicked him until he stopped moving and grunting and his face looked like nothing but a poorly baked cherry pie. I had to get out of there. So I forgot about the chocolates and the flowers and ran. I ran as fast as I could. I was pretty sure the store manager had heard the commotion so they stared at me as I rushed out of the store. I just kept running. I kept running. I didn’t know where I was going but I didn’t stop running. It was then I realized that I ran all the way to the school. It was still 8:00 in the morning and school didn’t start until at least a half hour. Tears were still actively rolling down my face as I looked down to see my bruised wrists. It was exactly how they looked way back then. He really held me that hard, didn't he? That bastard. 

“Mister Jaeger. Mister Jaeger. Mister Jaeger!” 

I finally snapped out of my daze and noticed the entire class, including Armin, turned toward me while Mrs. Reiss was trying to get my attention. I could tell by the way he was arching his eyebrows that Armin knew something was off. I didn’t wait by the school entrance to say good morning as I usually did. In fact, I didn’t even say hi to any of our friends this morning. I felt like a mindless husk, wandering around the corridors.

“Mister Jaeger, would you care to explain to me why you are not paying attention in my class.” asked Mrs. Reiss. Why couldn’t she just kind her fucking business? I was angry now and I’m sure it showed on my face. Armin then touched my hand, but the sudden contact brought me right back to the bookstore, so I flinched and he quickly removed it. I felt a bit guilty but I wasn’t in control. “Mister Jaeger I am talking to you!” she continued. Then, I snapped. 

“Care to explain why you’re suddenly so interested in my personal affairs Frieda?” I replied. Did I just call the teacher by her first name? I was in deep shit now. I might as well go all the way. I didn’t want to look at Armin. I’m sure he’d look disappointed. 

“That’s detention for two weeks Mr. Jaeger!” she said now flustered and angry. 

“Why don’t you go ahead and make it three hag!” I said, looking her dead in the eyes. The whole room gasped. What was wrong with me?

Around lunch, I did sit with the rest of the group, but the entire time, I ended up just playing with my food and not saying a word.

“Uhh Jaeger? You good dude?” Connie asked hesitantly. I didn’t answer. 

“Eren, what happened?” Mikasa said with a concerned tone but she was stern. Still no answer. “Eren! Answer me!” She continued. Still no answer “Eren Jaeger-”

“Oh would you fuck off already Mikasa!” I shouted, cutting her off. Her eyebrows furrowed into sadness. I had never talked to anyone that way. By now the entire cafeteria was staring and it was so quiet, you could hear a pin drop on the floor. I had enough. I then stood up and stormed out. Hopefully no one would follow me since I was afraid to blow up on them again. But my heart stopped when I heard that voice: 

“Eren!” Armin shouted out from behind me, attempting to get my attention. “Eren what the hell!? You really hurt Mika back there! She was only trying to help!” I didn’t want to hurt him. I wanted to hold him and cry in his shoulder. But instead, word vomit had come out.

“So what?! She was getting annoying. Doesen’t she know I can take care of myself Im 16 fucking years old!” I huffed, still not even facing him and walking down the hall at a fast pace. He could barely keep up. 

“You know she only does it because she loves you! And were all worried about you! What the hell is going on!?” he shouted again. I didn’t want to speak to him now. I didn’t want to speak to anyone right now. “Eren Jaeger! I’m not some doormat. You can’t just brush me off like this!” by now he was angry. His voice was a lot louder than usual and he only spoke like this when we would fight. Which was pretty rarely. I suddenly stopped. My hands were clenched into a fist and I was shaking. I then let a single tear drop glide down my cheek and said in a shaky voice:

“Reiner Braun.” I inhaled deeply then continued. “Tell that name to Mika and maybe that’ll clear a few things up,” I said sarcastically before taking off again. He didn’t follow me though. He must have known I needed to be alone. I would assume that he would rush to Mikasa and once she heard that name, she’d break down into tears and explain everything. I didn’t even care if he knew anymore. Heck I didn’t care if the whole world knew. It didn’t seem like I could escape him so might as well let the world know that poor little Eren was raped as a child and was on the pornhub leaderboard for a week!

I was already outside of the school. I didn’t want to go back. I didn’t care if this was considered ditching. I wasn’t going back. I needed to forget. ‘How could I forget?’ I asked myself while hitting myself on the head until something came to me. Party! There’s a party tonight at Petra’s house. I’ll go to the party. I checked my phone for the time. It was 2:00 in the afternoon. I also had 43 missed calls from Mikasa and a bunch of texts from Sasha, Jean, Annie, Connie and Armin. I was so rude to them earlier. But I couldn't face them right now. Especially Armin. I still had four hours to kill and I couldn’t just sit there and wallow in self pity. I then remembered that I had my fake ID on me. That was it! I’d go buy a bunch of booze, get shitfaced out of my mind and then go to the party to get even more shitfaced. Well that’s exactly what I did. 

Some time had passed, and I had somehow found a way to wobble my way all the way to Petra’s house. There was loud music blasting out from every window. I knew my friends wouldn’t be here so I didn’t have to worry about them bothering me. They were at Ymirs. I stumbled in the house that’s door was wide open. Everything was really loud and it rang extra loud in my ears because I was so drunk. But I recognized a few people and I was greeted by a bunch of people giving me slaps on the backs saying shit like “There’s the E-man!” and “Jaeger-bomb, you made it!”. I then managed to find my way to the booze table. I gulped down two more shots of vodka before letting out a large “WOOOOOOOOOOO” that was followed by the rest of the people in the room repeating after me. Then, a girl, who I didn’t recognize until she was just a few metres away from me approached. It was Petra. She seemed sober. And she looked relatively attractive tonight. 

“Hey Eren.” She somewhat shouted over the music, but it was aggressive, it was more seductive as she twirled her hair and bit her lips.

“Hey Petra! Great party!” I slurred my words.

“Are you drunk?” she let out a flirtatious giggle.

“Nooo” I said sarcastically. We both started laughing but she interrupted it when she grabbed me by the face and started making out with me. I didn’t stop her. I just kept kissing her back. Whenever I needed to get my mind off of things, I would always hook up with people or mess around a bit. But it was different now that I was in a pretty serious relationship with someone I loved. So why didn’t I stop? Wait!? Didn’t she have a boyfriend?! I didn’t know him but I heard he could get pretty nasty when it came to Petra. She then dragged me upstairs. I didn’t know where we were going but she opened the door to a room full of squealing girls. It was a blur so I don't remember any of their faces or names. I just giggled and slurred my words some more, unaware of the situation. Asking things like “Whas goin on?” and saying stupid shit that was always followed by loud giggles across the room. I don’t remember the exact details, but I remember brief little blurbs like “so who gets to kiss him first” and “he’s so cute oh my god”. Im pretty sure one of them even said something along the lines of “Isn’t he like gay or something tho?” I was pretty dizzy but I was able to kind of connect the dots. 

“Guys, sorry but boyfriend. Not now.” I was being serious but my tone was way to goofy to be taken seriously. But soon I felt hands touching me everywhere. I mean everywhere. It felt nice I wasn’t even gonna lie. Before I knew it, they had stripped me down and taken turns jerking me off and kissing me. I didn’t even stop them. I didn’t stop them. I had a boyfriend didn’t I? And I could tell this was wrong because I just kept thinking of him. I was happy with him wasn’t I? So why didn’t I stop them? I’m pretty sure I was sober enough to refuse. It wasn’t long before I passed out, but I felt it in every inch of my body while I was unconscious that they had gone a lot further, even while I slept. That was definitely a feeling I wish I could forget. It was happening all over again. Another piece of me was being ripped away from me forcefully.

I woke up with the world’s biggest headache inside a familiar room. I wasn’t at Petra’s anymore. I knew that. I grunted before sitting up. Jean and Marco were there. Marco was holding onto Jean’s arm and he looked really worried. Why was I at Jean’s house? Jean then held out a cup of water. 

“Drink up,” he said. He looked concerned. But disappointed, and just a little angry. What was he disappointed in me for?

“What happened?” I said groggily as I grabbed the glass of water and held it to my lips so I could take a sip. He then sighed and looked at the ground before redirecting that disappointed look to me. 

“You really fucked up Jaeger.” he said. 

“Jean. Calm down. He probably has a hangover- '' said Marco in a sweet tone. But Jean quickly interrupted. 

“No Marco! He fucked up and I’m not gonna sugar coat it! ” he was yelling by now.

“What do you mean-” But I stopped when he held his phone to my face, showing a clip of me on the floor, down to my trousers being touched and kissed by a bunch of girls. And I was kissing back. Petra seemed to be the leader of their little group. And I was just laughing. I wasn’t pushing back or anything. It was then that it all came flooding back. And I remembered everything. I covered my mouth at the sudden realization of just how bad the situation was.

“Armin’s really hurt Eren. He’s not talking to anyone or answering anyone’s calls.” Jean continued.

“Fuck.” I cursed. “What the hell did I just do?”. 

“I don’t know Jaeger! You tell me why you yelled at the entire group, went ahead and got wasted out of your fucking mind only to go take turns fucking random girls at Petra Ral’s party! You broke Armin’s heart man! And do you know how much effort it took Marco to convince Petra’s now ex-boyfriend to not beat the shit out of you?! He’s fucking pissed!'' Jean was yelling now. He was so mad at me. “I found you and had to shoo them away like a bunch of little flies!” 

“Jean. That’s enough. I think he gets the idea.” said Marco, taking Jean by the chin to look at him and calm him down. I didn’t say anything.

“I don't know man just..'' Jean sighed as he spoke those words, covering his face with his fans. “Pull yourself together”

A few weeks passed, but I had finally finished being questioned by the police about Reiner. I had killed him. Me, Eren Jaeger. Was I a murderer now? They didn’t charge me because all of it was caught on camera and it was a clear act of self defense. My mother had temporarily come out retirement to convict Petra and her pals on a charge of sexual assault. My mom was a really great lawyer, but the judge somehow couldn’t find them guilty seeing as I “hadn’t said no” in the video. She never forgiven herself for losing that case. She had won the one against Reiner but she always told me that she thought she failed me as a mother. None of them even got expelled. It still didn’t change the fact that I blamed myself for everything. The whole group had really shit on me that week. Telling me how it was all my fault and I believed it. I talked to Armin. He decided he couldn’t trust me anymore but we still cared for each other so we decided to live by that rule in our friend group and stay friends. He was however, somewhat sympathetic when he found out what Reiner did to me. But our relationship could never be the same. I hated that I hurt him. How was I gonna make sure he slept now? We eventually went back to talking as friends talked and that was that. Case closed. One thing that stayed with me about the whole situation however, was the fact that I had started getting those panic attack, freak out moments. They were reminders of that time in my life.


	33. Chapter 32

“Eren! Come down Liebchen!” hollered my mother from downstairs. I hadn’t even registered the fact that she was addressing me and stared at the wall, in partial darkness, only letting in the little light from the closed blinds light up the room. The smell of sweat and chronic masturbation welled up in my room. It was pathetic, and enough to convince me it wasn’t even worth it to get up anyways. I let him down, and there was no taking that back. I couldn’t even cry anymore, and I was afraid that if I moved, something might trigger one of my episodes. So I remained there, locked in my room with dirty dishes and scraps of trash on my desk. It was becoming difficult to tell exactly how many days, no, weeks I had been in this state of mind. My grades of course slipped. Levi wasn’t here to save the day with his superbrain anymore. I saw him today in the hall. He looked tired. He looked like me. I never see him in Math anymore though. It was too late for me to get my grades back up before the next report card so I could kiss that guitar goodbye. I had lost Levi, Armin hated me, I was back to being a dumbass, and everytime I hung out with the remainder of my friends, they seemed to babysit me instead of treating me like a normal person. I had snapped on them too. So I just had Mikasa left. Not like she had much of a choice to stick around though, she was obligated by the fact that we were siblings. I had nobody to blame but myself. “Eren Jaeger!” she called once more, dragging me out of my sinking trail of thoughts once again. I then heard the creaking of the door open and saw my mother stare at me from the doorframe. I hummed as a lazy response. “There’s someone who wants to see you downstairs.” she walked out of the doorframe and back downs. I might as well get up to close the door she had so carelessly left open. It had completely gone over my head what she had just said. All I could really focus on was my determination to get back into my bed. So with that, I briefly stood up, closed the door and crashed back onto my mattress. The mattress, Levi and I would hold each other in on occasional nights. The matress that had adapted his smell and left faint traces of it in the sheets. How I missed that smell. The door then swung open again with a comparable force to last time. The footsteps that approached it prior to that action sounded a lot heavier. I turned my head only lifting my eyes from under the covers, expecting to see my mother once again coming to tell me to come downstairs, but my blank and inattentive state was wiped away when I saw him.

“Jesus Christ you couldn't even come downstairs to give your big bro a welcome home hug?” Zeke said jokingly. Fuck. Off. I scoffed and turned to the wall, burying my chin in the sheets.

“Why the hell are you even here?” I hadn’t spoken in days, so my voice was quite raspy and dry.

“Didn’t I tell you I’d be back for summer break?”

“It's May.” I growled. He nervously laughed. God I can’t even look at him right now.

“Well do I need an excuse to see my favourite little bro?”

“I’m your only ‘little bro’, and you do when you’ve been gone for two and a half years with nothing but a few texts here and there.” I sassed. He sighed.

“Get ready. We’re going out and I doubt you want to be looking and smelling like that in public.”

“I’m not going out.” 

“Yes you are.”

“No I’m not!” My tone was clearly filled with infuriation and annoyance. I just wanted him to leave.

“Holy shit your voice got deep.” He said in a cheery voice.

“Shut up!” but he completely ignored me.

“Tsk Tsk Tsk. Someone’s moo-dy. Anyways, I’m giving you half an hour before I come in and physically drag you out myself, decent looking or not.” He then shut the door behind me. This was his usual attitude. He could never take anything seriously and he was always hiding behind jokes. I let out an exaggerated groaned. ‘Well I’m clearly not getting out of this. And I’m starting to get bed sores so I might as well just go.’ I thought to myself as I lazily stood up and rubbed my eyes.

It felt nice having the hot water hit my skin seeing as it had been a while since I had last taken a shower. It was somewhat cleansing as I soaked my hair and allowed my scalp to feel the shampoo wash away any grease that had accumulated. I had picked a plain white tea and black shorts, before styling my hair into a lazy, low bun as I usually did and heading down the stairs.

“Where is he?” I asked with that same hint of annoyance hidden in my tone, noticing that Zeke wasn’t in the living room.

“He’s waiting in the car.” My father replied. I was surprised at how calm he was since him and Zeke’s last fight was pretty intense. I grabbed my backpack full of essentials I usually brought out and headed out the door. Zeke was smiling but his face slowly turned into that of a shock. I opened the car door to get in the passenger's seat and immediately began scrolling through my phone, as a way to avoid any kind of interaction with him.

“What the actual fuck?” he whispered. I glanced at him from the corner of my eye.

“What?” I hissed.

“First of all, love the man bun.” I rolled my eyes. “Second of all, you’re so...so...man.”

“What does that even mean?” 

“What I mean is that you look like an adult. You’re probably stronger than any of the dorks at uni and I think you’re almost taller than me. You’re a man Eren. When the heck did I miss that?” he was in disbelief, but he sounded proud. Fucking bullshit. 

“Whatever. Wann ist dein Englisch so gut geworden? (When did your English get so good?)” my words riddled with subtle but evident rage. But I couldn’t deny that it felt strange speaking my first language after such a long time.

“Ich habe eine Klasse besucht (I took a class). Möchten Sie, dass wir Deutsch sprechen?  
(Would you prefer us to speak German?)” he replied.

“No. It's been awhile, I doubt I’m any good anymore.” 

“So Carla doesn't talk to you at all in German? I know she still calls you ‘Liebchen.’” he snickered. 

“Shut up. That’s just what we had to do when we moved. We had to practice english as much as possible to get used to it.” He hummed in agreement. It was then I felt embarrassed that my anger toward him was fading. I wasn’t letting him off that easily for disappearing so I quickly adjusted my behaviour and continued to ignore his idiotic remarks. I continued to scroll on my phone. He eventually hit the road and we got close to downtown within a few minutes. This reminded me of the times he would take me out to go get ice cream when I was 10. Only me. Mikasa was being really overwhelming and overprotective during those times so he gave me a break for some ‘bro time’ as he called it in our language.

“We’re he-ere!” he sang as he parked. I looked up and through the window to see we were parked right in front of a restaurant. Just a regular restaurant. Nothing too special. I guess I could appreciate that since I wasn’t looking for anything too flashy at the moment. We both got out of the car. “I still can’t get used to you.” he continued as we walked side by side, up the steps to the entrance.

“Maybe you would already be if you bothered showing up a bit more.” I passively said.

“Table for two please.” he said to the hostess, holding up two fingers. To think I still hadn’t even made direct eye contact with him. We were led to a table on the far right end of the establishment where we were handed two menus and one for drinks. Our waiter eventually came with the drinks we had ordered, his being a sangria and mine being water. Just water. Alcohol seemed to be the root of all my big messes, not to mention I wasn’t legal to drink yet. I was spacing out frequently and sometimes even forgot I was with Zeke whenever Levi came into my thoughts. I had no idea how to fix this or how to make things right.

“Alright. Enough.” He said placing his hands on the table and leaning in a bit to be able to hear me better. I snapped out of it once again and was a bit startled at the sudden action, but quickly reverted to my cold demeanor. “So what’s going on?”

“What do you mean?”

“I mean, I’m here because Dad called and said you were in it, and he didn’t know how to help, so what’s going on.” 

“Wait. Dad called you?” my voice changed from unbothered to curiosity.

“Yeah. I know, kind of awkward right?” That was something that was difficult to wrap my brain around. Had dad been worried enough to call in someone he wasn’t even on speaking terms with? I had kind of forgotten about my parents in this whole fiasco. How they might have been feeling as they watched me rot away in my cellar, I mean room. “Alright, why don’t we start somewhere else then seeing as you're not gonna talk just yet. Yeah?” I shrugged and looked off, and for some reason, it was becoming easier to look at his face now. I forgot just how much I missed him. “Mister Bozad still a pain in the ass?” 

“Yep. Still bites his tongue all the time like a fucking idiot.” he let out a laugh and I tried hard to hold back my slowly forming grin.

“What about your friends? I miss those little goofballs.” 

“You wouldn’t recognize them. They’ve all changed.” but we were forced to stop the banter as the food we ordered found its way on our table.

“Let me see some pics.” he said in between chewing his food. I took out my phone from my pocket and clicked on the photos app. I only scrolled for a few seconds before I found a picture of all 7 of us from a few months ago. I handed him the phone and his face lit up in astonishment in just how much we had changed. “Woah. Jean has a beard!? And the hair is combed?! Not to mention the fact that he and Marco are still together based on the way they’re holding each other. Is that little Connie?!” I nodded blankly in response. He pointed to the part of the picture showing a grown up Connie kissing Sasha on the cheek. “Damn. He grew. And he managed to pull Sasha. I always thought they were just really good friends.”

“Yeah. Me too.”

“Annie still looks about the same. She’s always been mature for her age I guess. Wait, who’s the blond kid? He looks familiar.” I scoffed and laughed at the fact that he hadn’t been able to recognize him.

“That’s Armin.” 

“Oh shit! You had such a big crush on him it was adorable. But Jesus, what kind of breakup did he go through to have that kind of transformation?” he said sarcastically, cracking up. I felt my heart break a little and looked to the side. It took him a while to compose himself, but when he finally looked back up at me, his laughter faded. “No way. You!?” I said nothing and returned my attention to my food, I didn’t look as angry this time and I hoped he would get the hint to stop talking about this. And he did. “Why didn’t you order any meat? You love that shit.” He changed the subject abruptly.

“I’m vegetarian.”

“What the fuck? Eren I’m gone for a little while and you make such awful life altering decisions?!” he said melodramatically.

“Hmm. I didn’t know two years was a little while.”

“Alright. I’m sorry. But you know how things have been with Dad and I-”

“And you what?!” I said a bit louder than I had expected. But I didn’t care. “You don’t even call me anymore Zeke! You’re telling me your relationship with dad was so bad you just decided to ignore the whole family altogether?!” there was an awkward silence as I glared at him. I noticed a bit of crumbs in his well coiffed beard, but he looked remorseful and sincere for once. He sighed. 

“Look, I know, I’m an asshole. And I’m sorry. I don’t know what else to tell you other than that. But I’m here because dad, Mika and Carla are worried sick. And after seeing you in your little cave, I am too. This isn’t like you Eren.” I still left him in silence and refused to respond. No way in hell was he gonna act like he hadn’t disappeared and left me alone. “Is it about that breakup with Armin. Did that happen recently?” I shook my head. “Is it about that whole incident last year with that girl? I’m in the dark. Carla told me you didn’t want anybody else to know including me.” I nodded my head at this, and looked down at my lap, avoiding his persuasive look. I knew if I even glanced at him, it would be difficult to keep from spilling. “Gotta admit that kinda hurt considering we're family. I know I fuck up lots but you gotta let me in bro. I’m trying to help. I care about you despite what you may think right now.” Those words. I don’t know what it was about them. I don’t know what it was about someone telling me they cared about me or the fact that I was just now processing the fact that I was seeing my only brother for the first time in years, but I felt tears begin to form in my eye sockets. “Eren?” I wiped away the single tear that had managed to escape and took a deep breath.

“Alright. But I’m not gonna tell you what happened last year, I just don’t feel like revisiting that right now. You can ask Mikasa.” he agreed and gestured for me to continue, attention fully focused on what I was about to say. I took one final deep breath and my hand began to uncontrollably shake.

“Me and Armin were in a relationship and I...God this is embarrassing saying in front of you.”

“You loved him right?” He added. I nodded sheepishly. “I could’ve guessed that based on the way you’d let him win all the video games you played at our place. You're usually so competitive.” 

“Well, some really bad shit went down that was out of either of our control, so we had to break up.” he didn’t say anything and just waited for me to keep speaking. It was then I knew I should just say it all. “Things were weird for a while and we would pretend we were friends, but we both felt something else, and I know that based on the things we would both tell each other during our stupid fights.”

“So why aren’t you back together then?” 

“Because it's not that simple Zeke! Don’t you think we would have just done that if it were!?” I snapped.

“Alright, alright I get it. I’m listening. Please, continue.” I regained composure and got my thoughts back on track.

“Well...then I met someone. They’re just...so different from anyone else I had met, and I got scared because the last time I felt that way around someone was with Armin.”

“So you were scared things would end badly with them like it did with Armin?”

“Well yeah. The thing you have to understand is that, I always blamed myself for everything that happened between me and Armin, but the way this person saw it helped me kind of not do that anymore. It's like the more time I spent with them, the more I felt like I was finally letting go of everything I wanted to.” Zeke hummed in acknowledgment, folding his hands and bringing them to his lips, suggesting he was thinking. “But the problem was that this person was involved with the girl who ruined things between me and Armin, so it got messy, and I couldn’t manage to sort my feelings out with Armin, so everything just imploded and got fucked up and I lost him, oh god I lost Levi and now he’s never coming back.” I rambled as I crashed my face in my palms and stopped myself from sobbing right then and there. This was a public place after all. Zeke didn’t say anything at first. I had just dumped a whole lot of info that didn’t even make sense to me at this point so it was bound to take a while to come up with a response.

“Levi huh? Is that his name?” I lifted my head and timidly nodded my head. “Well, let me try and simplify this since you seemed to have complicated the shit out of it. Yeah?” 

“Maybe.” I muttered.

“Well, to be frank little bro, I think you need to take some time for yourself, away from all the love life stuff.”

“You think?”

“Yeah. Absolutely. You have a lot of shit to figure out about you, you know? Not about how you feel about this person or that person. You.” he said pointing right at my heart. “So maybe don’t go trying to win over your boy toy back just yet. I don’t think you're ready.” What he was saying resonated well with me right now. He was so right. “I also think that the past is holding you back buddy.”

“What do you mean?”

“Here’s how I look at it. As a person who’s gone through their own difficult set of trials and tribulations and emotional trauma and what not, all the shit I’ve been through has led me to look at things a certain way. You see, the past is a strange thing. Even though it's already happened, you somehow can’t stop reliving it. It comes back without warning too and sometimes it can be impossible to not hear that constant ringing in your head. Like a wakeup call, reminding you that you can’t just move on. Almost like-”

“Almost like an alarm clock.” interrupted.

“Yeah. Exactly. You’re smart, you get it. But the thing is Eren, you have a choice. You can either press the snooze button and endlessly wait till it goes off again, or you can turn it off completely, and get the fuck out of bed. Because guess what little bro, you can’t start living life until you actually get out of bed to start the day.” That’s when all the dots started connecting for me. God Damn it. Zeke always had this amazing ability to make me see things for what they were. That’s what I loved about him most. “But there’s a catch.” I arched my eyebrows, slightly nervous for what he was about to tell me. “You have to be willing to wake up Eren. You have to be willing to let go.” I was speechless. Somehow, with the little and scattered information I had fed Zeke about my dilemma, he had managed to figure out exactly what I needed to do. “Hold up. Before you have your little character arc moment, I have a surprise. Check please!” He called out. The waiter came over with the bill.

“What is it?”

“Well it wouldn’t be a surprise if I told you now would it?” he said as he tapped his card on the machine. “Thank you sir. Have a good day.” The waiter looked very pleased so I assumed he had tipped well.

We walked out of the building and stopped in front of his trunk. When he popped it open, what I saw inside made it seem like I was in some dream. Smooth, shiny red surface with 6 perfectly new and glistening silver strings. It was the guitar I had wanted.

“You bastard.” I gasped.

“Carla and dad were being a bit tough on you if you ask me. Mika told me about everything and we both thought you worked too hard for you to not get anything.” he continued.

“I can’t believe you actually…”

“Am I forgiven?” he asked cheekily. I pulled him in a tight hug. I had wanted to since I saw him standing at my door. I was so glad he was here. I was so glad to see his stupid round glasses and his stupid middlepart hair. I was so glad to hear his stupid voice and hear his stupid witty statements.

“Fuck you Zeke.” I started crying in his shoulders. Tears of joy, sadness, I didn’t care. All I know is that I was feeling. I was feeling something good. A relieving bittersweetness about it all.

“Ahh you kids and your mental illness.”

“Thank you.” 

“Anytime little bro.”


	34. Chapter 33

I started hanging out with my friends again and apologized for ghosting them. They didn’t really hold a grudge when it came to it though. I was grateful that they understood why I acted that way. Armin had left back to Rose Academy after spring break. We never ended up talking like he wanted to. I had seen Levi around the halls of the school but never in math class. He had apparently switched classrooms and was doing AP math now. Suited him better anyways. I couldn’t express how fortunate I was to have gotten close to Isabel when Levi and I were dating. I was in fact following Zeke’s advice, and taking some time away from all of the romance drama, but it didn’t take away from the fact that I still loved and cared for Levi. I had texted Isabel and Furlan to check up on him and make sure he was eating and sleeping alright. I didn’t want him to land in the hospital again because of me. Luckily, they were keeping tabs on him but I made sure not to invade too much and would only check in once a week. My one concern was his sleep. He was good at hiding it most of the time so it was nearly impossible to tell whether he was fully rested. Sometimes I would briefly glance over at his table to see if he was actually eating. And he was. Thank god he was. I trusted Isabel and Furlan, maybe even Hange and Erwin ss well to make sure that continued during the summer. But I wasn’t too worried, because we both seemed to be in the same headspace, and mine was alright for now. I wondered if he ever thought of me. I wondered if he worried about me like I did him. But I shouldn’t. Right now I was taking time for myself. And I had to say, it felt good not having some weird emotional weight attached to everything I did. Although I missed Armin being in the band, I was having way too much fun with my new guitar, (or Maria as I liked to call her) and it was good to be able to distance myself from him in my music and my life. 

Zeke was staying for the entire summer, not only to try and make amends with dad but also because he wanted to make sure I was back on my feet. It was nice to have him around. He helped me study for finals since he had a bunch of free time and he came to all my band practices. He said I had gotten a lot better since he last saw me. Zeke was a violinist up till he graduated highschool so I used to play piano with him all the time and I really respected him as a musician. That’s why it meant a lot when he complimented me. He even gave the band feedback. Connie and Sasha really liked him. They would always get distracted and goof off. Mikasa and Zeke used to be really close actually, so I was happy to see him spending more time with her too. And then Jean and Marco were of course just making out the whole time. And then, I graduated.

“Little bro.”

“Yeah?” I was sitting on my bed, writing the notes to a melody in my head that had appeared in that moment on some paper. Mikasa and Zeke were playing a card game on my bedroom floor.

“What’s this Levi guy like anyway?” although I was surprised by his question, and Mikasa seemed to be a bit too, it didn’t trigger me much. Levi was still on my mind a lot. And Zeke’s sudden mention of him trailed me down a bunch of the memories we had shared months ago. Like that time he got ice cream on his nose and I licked it off and he got super embarrassed because we were in public. Or that time he drunk called me telling me how horny he was. Or that time he walked with me in the hallways after math class explaining the three major areas of philosophy. I couldn’t help but silently grin. I didn’t stop writing down music notes and kept the melody playing in my head as I answered the question. 

“He’s really great.” it was a simple answer, but it's exactly how I felt about him.

“Care to be more specific? Go fish!” I heard him explain.

“I don’t know he’s just really great. What else do you wanna hear?”

“Go fish!” Mikasa shouted. She was getting competitive over this small game and wasn’t really paying attention. 

“Is he smart?” 

“He’s brilliant.”

“Is he good at anything?”

“Everything.”

“Yeah he’s not really exaggerating with that one actually.” chimed in Mikasa. “Go fish!” I continued inscribing music and baselines to go with it. I knew that this stupid smile was still on my face as I thought more about everything he was good at. I recalled this one painting he did that I particularly admired. It hung above his coffee table near his living room. 

“So he’s good at everything huh? Like Mika?” I saw Mikasa out of the corner of my eye playfully hit Zeke on the shoulder. “Can he translate an entire english novel to latin?” he asked, confident that he had got me.

“He speaks 5 languages, Latin included.” I replied.

“Really?! Can he build a robot?”

“He built a small robot named Jerry at the age of 14 out of scrap materials he found behind his foster home cause he had nothing else to do.”

“Wait foster home? Is he lying, Mikasa?” I assumed she shook her head but I was too focused to check. “So he is a bit more on the intellectual side, I bet he doesn't do anything artsy.”

“He does. He says his art is inspired by philosophical concepts.” Mikasa said, as she bit into the croissant that was beside her.

“First of all, what the hell? Second of all, what kind of highschool student studies philosophy and makes art about it for fun?”

“Levi does.” I got up from my bed, checking my sheet music for any mistakes.

“Hey, where are you going?” Zeke shouted so he could be heard from my room as I walked down the hall and to the living room, eyes still glued to the sheet music and a pencil behind my ear. I didn’t answer. I made it to the living room and sat down on the piano stool, placing the sheet music on the stand. I counted myself in and took a breath before I began playing the classical style ballade I had just put together. It felt natural, routine like. All I could think about as I played was the rare sight that was Levi’s smile. The notes felt like they were seeping into my bloodstream as I crescendos into the next measure. My heart pulsated to the beat as I got lost in memories and closed my eyes. Every interaction I could have possibly remember with him, the good, the bad, the heart wrenchingly dramatic was all laid out on the keyboard. And it painted that picture I saw on New Years Eve, the Shakespearean painting with little cracks and slight peeling, the fireworks and the bubbling feeling I would feel in my chest that could be triggered by the mere sight of him. And on the last note, the echo sounded out throughout the living room before terminally fizzling out. I took a moment before I opened my eyes, and when I did, I saw Mikasa, Zeke and my parents staring at me each with their mouths parted in shock. My mother was teary eyed and was holding her hands to her heart.

“What’s wrong?” I asked. Clueless as to why they were all of a sudden so emotional. 

“Liebchen, you’re playing the piano again.” my mother said. 

“I am?” I was? But then it hit me, that I had actually been playing the piano. And I wasn’t crying. I had been playing the piano like I was able to all those years ago. I had felt the same passion and love for it that I did back then, as if it was never lost. I wasn’t playing for some love interest that had requested it, not for a dumb competition, not for a monster who saw me as nothing but a body he could take advantage, but for myself. I was playing for myself, because I wanted to. I was playing because I wanted to, and I loved it again. I then turned to the sheet music, in disbelief I had just written all that. It felt like a daze or a foggy memory. It was then that I brought my attention to the top of the page and realized I had named the song, after Levi.


	35. Chapter 34

I hadn’t come to his room in such a long time, but for some reason, I had a hunch he still kept that stupid ladder there, leaning against his window. Now was a better time than anytime if I was gonna do this. He had returned home last month for summer break. I heard he was going abroad for Uni so this was my last chance. I was rehearsing what I wanted to say in my head. It was hard to focus but I just barely managed. And soon enough, there it was. His house that I was all too familiar with. I parked a few houses away from his and took deep breaths as I walked toward the ladder. I climbed up and there he was, slightly shocked to see me there. I tried smiling at him to ease the tension but it still didn’t change the fact that I was here. After all this time. He hesitantly got up and opened the window followed by me crawling in. It was just like old times.

“Hey” I said with an awkward grin. I was nervous but I was determined to say something. 

“Hey.” he replied. He seemed to want to say just as much as I wanted to. We stood there in silence, looking at the ground and avoiding each other’s gaze before he finally spoke. “I tried calling you but you were always unavailable.” 

“I know. I would’ve answered but Zeke wouldn’t let me.”

“Zeke’s back?”

“Yeah, he’s here for another month or so.” there was a pause between us. I looked down at the floor, with my hands in my pockets. 

“Can I go first?” he asked. I nodded. He took a deep breath and began speaking in a way that suggested he had rehearsed this in his head too. “I’ve always been angry over what happened. I always hated that things were going so well and I was so happy and it was all taken away because of Petra and that...man.” 

“Armin I…” I hesitated a bit, but I knew I had to say it. “I know it was hard. But I hated myself for such a long time. And after you exploded on me, it kind of put me in this mindset where I didn’t want to ever forgive myself. I didn’t want to be happy because I thought I didn’t deserve it. It took me so long to realize that the situation was out of either our control.” I finished. So far things were going as I had practiced in my head. I hadn’t stuttered yet and I was saying what I needed to say. 

“But you hurt me Eren! And I know I shouldn’t have been jealous but after everything happened, it wasn’t fair that you were moving on first!” he started to raise his voice and clench his fists a bit. I started getting a bit angry and tried to restrain myself from yelling too. But it didn’t work out in the end.

“Excuse me? You failed to see that I wasn’t the one who hurt you! I was drunk and got assaulted for the second time that day, but you somehow managed to put the blame on me!” I yelled pointing my finger. 

“But you looked like you were enjoying it! What else was I supposed to believe?” he yelled a bit louder, now pointing his finger at me back. He was a lot more intimidating now that he was stronger. 

“Oh, I’m sorry if I wasn’t able to control myself when I was wasted and being uncontrollably touched by multiple people in my junk area!” I said sarcastically. 

“Well why were you drunk in the first place?!” He yelled even louder.

“Well excuse me Mr. Perfect! You tell me what you would have done if your childhood rapist showed up out of nowhere three years later while you’re trying to buy you’re boyfriend a stupid gift! And while he’s trying to make a move on you all over again, you accidentally kill him! Please tell me how else I should've handled it.” I screamed. Everything was quiet. Everything had escalated so quickly. Too quickly. He just stared at me in horror. He just stood there for a solid minute and tears began falling down his cheeks. 

“You were only 13?” he cried slowly, breaking down and crying into his palms. The anger began to seep away from me as I saw how awful he felt. “I’m so sorry. God I’m sorry. How could I say that? Of course it wasn’t your fault. I just loved you so much and it's like you were yanked away from me. I needed you Eren and they took you away from me.” he cried. I pulled him into a hug and he continued to cry for a bit. I had started crying a bit too but I wasn’t making any noise.

“I know. I needed you too.” I finally said. “Armin, you should know something.” He continued to cry against my chest as he held tight around my torso. “I think about you everyday. I replay memories of us in my head, of when we were happy. I think about how you didn’t sign up for my mess of a life. And I’d be lying if I said there wasn’t a part of me that wanted it to happen again. I’d be lying if I said a part of me didn’t still have feelings for a part of you. But those parts of us aren’t who we are anymore, and we need to recognize that.” I finished. He sobbed even louder and it wasn’t long before I broke down too and let out little whimpers as we shook in each other’s embrace.

“It’s so hard to let go when you were everything to me.” he quivered.

“But you have to. Because if you don’t then I won’t be able to either. And I'm done lingering in the past.” it took a few moments of crying with each other, processing the fact that our love was coming to an end, for him to finally accept it and nod in my chest. The tears didn’t stop and all I could do was just hug him tighter, like he was my lifeline.

“I’m leaving soon. I don’t know if I’ll come back. Just promise you won’t forget me.” 

“As if that was even possible in the first place.”

“Do you remember, when we were on drugs and I told you that you were the love of my life?” he asked with a shaky voice, still not breathing normally.

“How could I not?”

“I guess we were part of that 80% now aren’t we?” he said, stifling a pained chuckle. Another wave of hurt slammed against my chest.

“I guess we are.”

“Eren.”

“Armin.”

“I hope you never get eaten by a bear.” We both simultaneously laughed.

“I hope you never get eaten by a bear.”


	36. Chapter 35

“Levi’s doing fine this week Eren, don’t worry. He has been for a while.” Isabel said into the phone. 

“Good. Should I stop checking in? You’d let me know if he’s putting himself in danger again right?” I replied.

“You got it.”

“Thank you. Actually, I have to go. I have to practice for this concert I have tomorrow.”

“Ooo! Hange and Erwin haven’t heard the band yet. Do you think we could swing by?” I have to admit I was thankful that Levi’s friends hadn’t completely stopped talking to me and mine. Levi apparently even still said hi to Annie and Mikasa from time to time.

“Actually it's not that kind of concert. I’m playing piano in a composition competition.”

“I didn’t know you played piano. And what’s a composition competition?”

“It’s like a competition for performers where they submit and play their own songs instead of ones written by a bunch of old guys hundreds of years ago.” That was usually how I simplified things like this for my friends.

“I’d love to come see you, but I’d probably fall asleep with the other contestants. Sorry!”

“No worries. It puts less pressure on me anyways.” I reassured her that it was no big deal. The conversation carried on for another minute or two, catching up on little details like where we were going after highschool and planning when we would hang out next. I returned to practicing my piano, filling the house with little warm ups and exercises that hadn’t been heard in years by even my own ears. I was just polishing up a few details. I genuinely didn’t care if I won this competition or not, but I wanted an opportunity to perform it. This song summed up pretty much the biggest part of my year. Why not play it somewhere to finish it off? I knew Levi was staying in New York for whatever he was doing after highschool, and I was thinking up a way to get him back into my life. After Zeke heard that piece I played, he said it was probably long overdue I go try and talk to him. I wanted to, badly, but I also didn’t mind taking my time. I was, for the first time since I was a child, at peace with most of the things in my life. I needed a bit more time before I opened that wound again.

My entire family had come out to see me tonight as well as Connie, Sasha, Jean, Marco and even Annie. I was touched that they cared and that they wanted to come support me, but I didn’t want to treat this like a big deal. Of course it was a big deal, but I wanted to look at it as me taking a short break from the piano and coming back. Nothing more. I couldn’t say I wasn’t a little jittery. The feeling of knowing lots of people, including people who expected stuff from me was nerve wracking on many different levels. It had also been a while since I wore anything formal, so it felt strange looking at myself in this outfit, a classic suit and my hair styled a bit more well kept so I wouldn’t come off as unprofessional. In the bathroom, I stared in the mirror, but saw my twelve year old self in the reflection, still in love with what he was doing. Completely carefree of any problems the world may have been throwing at him. Suddenly, I felt my phone vibrate in my pocket. Checking to see who had texted me, I realized that it was Zeke.

Dumbass: Good luck lil bro :)

“Number 4, Eren Jaeger?” called out one of the operators from backstage.

“Here.” I replied, lifting my hand so his attention would be brought to me. 

“You're on in five.” 

“Thank you.” That was my cue to make my way to the stage entrance. I heard little glimpses of the performance before me, it would be a tough act to follow but I enjoyed a bit of a challenge now and then. The performer on stage began playing the last few bars of her piece, and once she finished, the audience roared with applause. I wiggled my fingers as I congratulated her on her performance and she wished me luck. I guess I’m doing this again. I honestly never thought I would come back to it, but here I was. I still didn’t necessarily have a plan for next year now that highschool was done, but I knew that it would work out. The warm stage lights hit my face as the concert hall dissolved into silence. I was too nervous to look at the crowd at all but I knew it was Jean that unprofessionally hollered out “That’s my friend!” followed by a few chuckles and faint hisses, probably from Mikasa. That kind of helped my anxiousness roll down my spine and I seated myself on the stool.

I played just like I had played the night I came up with it. I had tweaked it here and there and made it a bit longer of course. I had also added some technical parts to impress the judges but it was really the same at the core. I wouldn’t call this piece a memory, I’d call it an expression of how memories made me feel. A symbol of every emotion Levi had made me feel. I was saying everything I wanted to say without speaking a word. I called out for him, I begged for forgiveness, I begged for another chance, but I also screamed out loud, that even though things ended up being so horribly messed up and complicated, even if both of us endured a good amount of suffering leading up to this point, that I regretted nothing. I regretted absolutely nothing. He was too beautiful to me for me to hold any kind of negative emotion toward him. I know how badly things ended, but I relied on the fact that I felt too strongly for him for things not to be okay. Even if he stopped loving me, and even at the thought of him never loving me again, I was blissfully playing the notes that reflected our time together.

The last note rang throughout the hall in tense silence for long moments, before the crowd finally erupted in classy, but enthusiastic applause. Some had asked for an encore but i didn’t have an encore piece prepared so it wouldn’t have been possible, and we were at a competition anyways so I doubted the judges would let me. My hands were still shaking uncontrollably as the fact that I had just played piano competitively again in front of hundreds seeped into my brain. I looked down at my quivering palms and saw a drop of water drop onto them. I didn’t even realise that that drop of water wasn’t sweat, but tears. I stood up from my stool and gave a bow. Before I took my leave, the crowd stood up, making my legs weak with embarrassment as well as astonishment. I heard jean holler again but he wasn’t shushed by Mikasa this time. I scanned the crowd, looking for where his scream had come from and where my family and the rest of my friends were. But before I could look on the other side of the hall, I was met by the gaze of the two, piercing, intoxication and infatuation raincloud coloured eyes for whom I had even written this piece for in the first place. They were teary too, and he wore a melancholic grin as he looked directly at me, clapping and slightly hopping so he could see over the man in front of him. I think I had lost my hearing for a moment because I could still see the crowd applauding, but no sound came through, and all I could think in that moment was the phrase he once whispered in my ear the night everything fell apart between us:

‘Spero vos scitis quanta ego te amo.’


	37. Chapter 36

Some time had passed since the show. I had spoken to Isabel recently and she told me Levi wasn’t doing so good anymore. He wasn’t talking to anyone and he had locked himself in his house for days on end. It was a struggle to even get him to eat and Furlan had to bring him groceries once because there was nothing but rotting fruit in his fridge that he hadn’t bothered to get rid of. Perhaps now was the time. I had spent most of my time thinking about everything I wanted to tell Levi. It was incredible to me that we had known each other for nearly a year now. A year since I first talked to him, in an attempt to impress him and befriend him with my phony mannerisms and he made that “Tch!” noise at me.

‘Maybe the time isn’t right’  
‘He might not even answer the door’  
‘He probably doesn't even love me anymore’  
Those words would ring in my head constantly as I tried to figure out how I would even start talking to him. But there I was, finally at his doorstep. I had had enough. I wasn’t gonna let any of my baggage come in between me and what my heart had desired from the very beginning. I just stood there for a solid five minutes. I could hear a bit of music playing. He must have been painting or doing something with art because that was the playlist he put on when he was focused on that kind of thing. At least he wasn’t in bed all day. The faint smell of earl gray had slipped through the cracks of the door. I couldn’t wait anymore. This was it. I had rehearsed in my room countless amounts of times on how I would say it. I took a deep breath, slowly raised my hand to the door and knocked. The music stopped and I heard footsteps grow closer. The door slowly creaked open and there he was. Tired looking, and he was wearing an outfit that he probably hadn’t changed out of since the beginning of the weekend. 

“Eren?”

“Hey.” it had been months since I heard the sound of his voice. He sighed loudly. 

“What are you doing here?” he said lazily rubbing his eyes as I began fidgeting with my fingers.

“I need to speak to you,” I said, in the most confident tone I could bring myself to have. He sighed again, waited for a moment, then stepped aside, gesturing for me to come in. I was slightly relieved but the awkwardness was far from over. 

“Are you here to tell me your back with that blond twink or something?” he stated bluntly as he made his way down the hall and I followed. He was still funny even under these circumstances. I couldn’t hold back a faint giggle. The last time we talked we said some pretty heavy shit so the fact that I was able to even laugh at all in that moment was odd. “I had only come to your concert to see if what Isabel was saying was true. That you were playing the piano. That piece was amazing by the way.”

“It was for you.” He stopped in his tracks, didn’t turn around, and after a pause, kept walking. 

“So what do you wanna talk about.”

“Can we sit down?” I asked, avoiding eye contact. I was really nervous. He nodded, and we both made our way to the couch and sat slightly facing each other. 

“Well get on with it.” he requested.

It was then I told him everything. Reiner, my piano teacher. What happened in the bookstore. The party. Petra. My relationship with Armin and how it fell apart. I knew there were things he already knew that I was telling him, but I told him everything from the beginning so he had the full picture, and so there would be no more secrets between us. He looked slightly taken aback but he was quick to point out that he always suspected there was a bit more to the whole me having a panic attack in German thing. Of course. I even asked him if he was scared that I was capable of killing someone and he just shrugged and said that Reiner was a criminal and he deserved it. I mean he absolutely deserved it. But I was surprised it didn’t change the way he saw me. He probably knew that incident was out of character.

“Jaeger… Do you remember how when we first met in math class, I was pretending to sleep?” he said. I nodded in response. “I did that because I was hesitant to even look at you. Because I had recognized your name. I didn’t know how I would react.” he said as he looked down. “But when I saw you, and when I got to know you I-” I wanted him to say it. I felt like he was gonna say it but he didn’t. Of course he didn’t. I still hadn’t explained everything with Armin. 

“Levi, you were right….There’s always a part of me that’s gonna love Armin.” I said barely loud enough for him to hear. He didn’t seem surprised to hear that. “But we talked, and we know that any love between us that isn't platonic is just a memory of who we used to be.” he remained there in silence for a moment before saying: 

“Jaeger, you moaned his name in your sleep. I think you should rethink that one.” There was a hint of sarcasm in his tone of voice. 

“I know that….But I can promise you it's not like that anymore. I was just drunk and I had a lot on my mind and I was so… so confused. Our relationship ended so suddenly and it ripped me apart. I never got the closure I needed. It kind of fucked everything up.” I continued. He didn’t seem to be buying it. I could see it in his eyes. 

“I think you should leave Jaeger.” he said sternly. Not a smile or a frown.

“But Levi please i-” 

“Jaeger, you’ve said enough.” he continued while standing up. No. I still had so much to say. This was my fault though. I had hurt him. I had to fix things. I had too. 

“Levi don’t do this please just hear me out.” I was on my feet now too. But it was then I felt him tugging at my arm and leading me to the door. I couldn’t really escape his grasp. “Levi stop it! Please! I still have too much to say-”

“No Eren, I have too much to say!” He stopped and threw my wrist away once we reached the door. “You fucking tricked me! And I knew everything. I KNEW you still loved Arlert I KNEW you weren’t over it but I was still somehow stupid enough to fucking trust you just like I was stupid enough to trust her!” His voice had begun to tremble as he pointed his finger to me in an antagonizing manner. I had never seen him like this. I was beginning to cry at the realization of how much I had broken him. How much this whole thing broke him. How someone who broke me so long ago managed to get us into this situation. “You were so perfect and you made me feel like I could trust again and you actually were cruel enough to make me fall in love with you and admit it out loud?! Was the world loving you not enough?! You just HAD to make me join in on the trend didn’t you?! Well you win I guess!” All my words disappeared. What was I supposed to say? “You know it's funny, because I go around calling everyone idiots and imbeciles and neanderthals and what not. But turns out I’m the dumbest one out of all them since I, Levi Ackerman, after all the bullshit, after all the fuckery that went down somehow still -” He stopped himself and covered his mouth. He took one deep breath and sucked up all the tears that had begun to well up. He then straightened his shirt, opened the door, stepped aside and gestured for me to step through. 

“Still what?!” I sobbed uncontrollably. Pleading him to finish. Nothing.

“Leave Eren.” he said calmly with his eyebrows arched in anger.

“Still what Levi?!”

“Eren..”

“I love you! I love you so much! Levi I love you I never stopped!” 

“I said leave. Don’t try anything else. It’s over.” He said in the same calm demeanour with a bit of irritation. I stayed there, looking him dead in the eyes with tears streaming down my face and hitting the hardwood floor. I needed him. I needed to know there was hope. I was holding on to the smallest possibility that there might still be hope for us. He then took me by the arm and dragged me outside. He looked me straight in the face before saying those two words I wished to never hear come out of his mouth: “Goodbye Eren.” The door slammed, and I was left with nothing but the silence that filled the area afterwards. Then it hit. This constricting feeling within my chest as if someone were squeezing my heart from the inside. A flush of heat zoomed up to my face and I found myself not being able to breathe. Shit. I’m dying aren’t I? I began gasping for air as the oxygen slowly ran out from the room and I lost all balance in my legs. My eyes were wide open but everything seemed to be turning dark. I was in a hole. It was cold but ! I was sweating so much. It felt like I was the only person in the world. I tried to comfort myself by sitting down or maybe trying to hug my knees as if someone were actually holding me, but it only made the constricting feeling in my chest worse. I can’t breathe. I can’t breathe. I can’t breathe. Where did all the air go? I couldn’t hear anything except the ringing noise that seems to be getting louder and louder. But then I heard something else.

“Eren?” said a soft voice. They seemed concerned. I knew this voice didn’t I? Suddenly I could see a bit better. I looked up from around me and saw a boy with black hair with the most worried look on his face looking down at me from the door frame. I still couldn’t breath and my entire body felt like a volcano about to erupt. Suddenly his eyes widened and he rushed back into his house leaving the door wide open. I felt alone again. The world was beginning to close in on me and I felt as if my heart had stopped beating. But if my heart had stopped, how come I heard it so loudly in my chest. Unable to support myself sitting up anymore, I laid down on the floor, my knees still in my arms. I was trying to speak, trying to call for help, but I felt like my vocal cords were being cut and I was too focused on trying to get air into my lungs. Then I heard the voice again and I looked beside me to see the boy sitting next to me with a bit of a calmer look on his face. He was even smiling a bit. He had a nice smile.

“Hey, Eren, do you remember that time you took me to the movies? It was so bad. That couple in the movie reminds me a bit of Jean and Marco. The way they’re always eating each other alive.” he said laughing a bit. I knew this boy. But what was his name again? And who were Jean and Marco? I was still struggling to breath, but it had gotten a bit better. I still couldn’t speak yet. “Annie once told me a funny joke? Do you wanna hear it?” he asked. The constricting in my heart was getting tighter, and I didn’t know who Annie was, but I wanted to hear the joke. So I slowly nodded my head with the little strength I had, still holding my knees tightly to my chest. “Alright you're going to be mind-blown. Here I go: I don’t trust stairs, they’re always up to something.” He said. It took me a while to understand, but when I finally did, I felt myself regain the ability to make a sound again gradually and I let out a brief little chuckle followed by Levi laughing a bit too. That was his name. Levi. I just remembered. “You know, I found something at the mall the other day. It smells really good. Do you want to smell?” he asked again in that same soft, reassuring tone. This was so unlike Levi. I nodded my head again and he held up a tiny bottle up to my nose. “It's lavender. Super good right?” he continued. After a few seconds of whiffing the lavender, I felt my muscles relax a bit and my breathing start to slow little by little. The ringing in my ear was becoming quieter and quieter. Then I remembered that lavender was what my mother made me smell whenever I was....having a panic attack. So that’s what this was. The thought of that calmed me down a little bit. It calmed me down knowing I wasn’t dying. “So what movies have you, Mikasa and Annie watched recently?” he asked casually. I struggled to get my voice to work a bit but I finally managed.

“W-we...we watched the Grudge.” I said in a shaky whisper.

“The Grudge? No way I wish you guys invited me. I love that movie.” he said in a semi-disappointed semi-excited tone. “What else?”

“Th-The Sh-Sh-Shining.” I said a bit louder this time.

“Wow. Both of those are so great. You guys watched a lot of horror movies last time didn’t you? I know Mikasa hates those.” he continued. I then noticed that my face wasn’t hot anymore and I was relaxed. I was now breathing somewhat normally. The sound of his voice made me feel safe. “What was your favourite part?” he asked again. 

“Th-the parts that made Mikasa scream.” I said with a light chuckled laced in my words. He laughed too but not so loud it was overwhelming.

“Yeah. That sounds like it would have been fun.” he continued. I took one deep breath and slowly adjusted myself so I was sitting up again. I let my legs go in a criss cross like this and I let my arms sit on my thighs. I held my hand to my heart a bit and tried to get my breathing completely back to normal. I also closed my eyes a bit so I could try and feel a bit less light-headed. “There you go. I’m so proud of you Eren. You got through it.” those words made me feel reassured. Like I had done something good. Like I was strong. “Here, I got you some water.” he said softly, while handing me a glass. My hand still shaking a bit, I managed to take it while only spilling a bit on the ground to bring it to my lips and drink. It felt nice and made things a little less fuzzy. “Can you take some deep breaths for me?” He asked in a kind voice. As if he wasn’t forcing me. “Here I’ll do them with you.” And with me, he guided me by taking five deep breaths while I tightly held his hand. It seemed like I had regained my composure and that I was ready to say what I had to say in that moment. 

“You knew what that was didn’t you?” I said. He opened his mouth, paused a bit before finally saying:

“My mother would have them sometimes after a client.” I nodded. We were both looking in front of us, not at each other. “I knew that you didn’t take drugs that day in class Eren.” My eyes widened and I began playing with my hair a bit.

“Oh yeah?” I said with a faint chuckle.

“Yeah. I know what drugs look like. That wasn’t it. You were sacred. You were hurt. You were struggling to move on. You still can’t move on. When are you gonna listen to me and stop blaming yourself for all the problems the world possesses?” I scoffed a bit.

“You’re a smart ass, you know that?” I said turning my head to look at him.

“Yeah.” He said looking back at me. We kind of just remained there in silence before he decided to speak again. “I used to think you were this cocky bastard you know. I knew lots of people who were into you, and you seemed to be pretty smooth with everyone. I thought you were nothing but a classic fuck boy.” He laughed a bit. 

“Oh? Am I not all those things then?” I said in a slightly taunting manner. 

“No you are. But there’s so much more to you then that. You’re actually caring, and compassionate and, one thing I never thought you’d be, you’re broken. It's scary seeing someone you thought you had figured out, break down right in front of you and prove that you were wrong.” And his eyes were slightly watering but he was doing really well acting as though he wasn’t phased. I then crashed into his lap and he stroked my hair a bit to comfort me. It felt nice when he did that. When he held me. But I quickly shot up at the realization that we had just gotten into a fight prior to this.

“I’m sorry.” I said in a whisper, leaning my head down in shame. 

“Why are you sorry?” he asked, tilting his head awkwardly to see my expression.

“This was probably so annoying for you. And I was the one who messed up. You’re supposed to be mad at me but you’re here, worrying about me because I had a stupid panic attack.’” I replied. A single tear left my eye and hit the poarch, making the wood turn a darker shade of brown in that one tiny spot. He then lifted my chin up and gave me a smile.

“Eren, how many times do I have to tell you? I’m always gonna worry about you. Our relationship may be damaged but I’m always gonna care about you.”

“But you don’t love me anymore.” I said crying a bit harder now. He then scooted closer to me and pulled me into his chest. I held tight onto his shirt and continued to cry. He sighed a painful sigh and began speaking in a saddened voice.

“Eren, you don’t love me. You think you do but you never did.” he said with a quiver in his voice.

“That’s just not true though Levi. ” I cried. I might as well let it all out. “I don’t just love the idea of you. I love you. I don’t love Armin in the way that I love you. I did love Armin like that, but now, I love you. I love the way you smile. You try not to smile and laugh too much because you’re afraid of being vulnerable. I love the way you’re so smart about everything, but you’re not cocky about it. I love the fact that I could randomly name anything and you could probably do it. I love how you know how stupid people are, you know how bad they can be, and you’re not afraid to vocalize it. I love how you don’t fake things with people like I do. I love what you create, and I love how I know exactly what you’re trying to say without you even having to say it when I look at your art. I love how little words you need to get your point across. I love your eyes and how they look like rain clouds. I love the way your laugh sounds. I love your stupid witty and sarcastic humour. I love how you’re mean, but when you are, that’s how I know that our relationship is good. I love how you can be cold one minute, but warm and caring the next because you know I need it. I love everything that you do and everything that you are. I love you. I don’t know what else I need to tell you so you know that without you, I would be nothing Levi.” It was embarrassing how much I was sobbing in that speech. But I knew I had reached him. Because whatever calm demeanor he had had before, vanished. He had finally let his tears fall down as he looked me in the eyes, his lips parted and his eyebrows raised in a look of hurt, and surprise. He looked like he didn’t know what to say. Our faces were so close and I anxiously awaited his response. We were both breathing heavily and I brought my hand to his cheek to wipe away his tears with my thumb.

“I’m none of those things you said. I’m nothing compared to everything you are.” he whimpered. Now leaning into my hand and holding my arm.

“Oh would you stop being like that” I cried while laughing through my tears as I brought my lips to his. I felt the worries of the world melt away. We moved in sync as he wrapped his fingers in my hair while my hands made their way down to his waist. How I had waited for me to be able to do this without the burden of the past tugging me away. “I love you Levi.” He sighed in relief, and let another tear run down his cheek.

“I love you Eren.”

The End.


	38. Epilogue/Bonus Chapter

“Eren, the baby is crying again.” Levi said groggily as he tapped my shoulders. I just wanted to sleep for once. For once! But Levi had work in the morning and I didn’t have studio stuff today so I had to get up in the end. I groaned a bit.

“What time is it?” I said slightly annoyed.

“It’s 3 in the morning,” he said, turning back to his original position in the bed. I then tiredly got up to my feet and stumbled to Kuchel’s room. We had named her after Levi’s mother because her eyes reminded him of her. Even if she wasn’t related to me and she was Levi’s biological daughter, I still felt just as connected to her. It took us forever to be able to have her. First of all it was a tone of paperwork which Levi of course took care of since he’s the more organized out of the both of us. Then we had to find a good surrogate which ended up costing up a fortune. And then we had to wait 9 entire months before we got to even see her. Levi was a nervous wreck the day of the delivery and so was I but I was trying to be strong for him so it didn’t really show on my face. I still couldn’t believe Kuchel’s first birthday was in two days. Levi has been planning it for the past month which I think is both ridiculous and adorable at the same time. 

“Shh shhh, Kuchel, what’s wrong liebling?” I whispered sweetly, lifting her up to my shoulder and patting her on the back slightly. She just kept crying. “Baby please stop crying so papa can go to sleep.” I playfully whined in the same tone. But she didn’t stop. I knew eventually she would calm down but it was still exhausting getting up every night. Sometimes I wished Levi would, but he needed to be up in 2 hours to go teach at the university. I sat down on the rocking chair and continued patting her on the back until she finally stopped crying and just started sucking her thumb while making little baby sounds. “Thank you baby.” I whispered kissing her on the cheek and putting her back to bed. I walked down the hall of our apartment back to the room and fell back on the bed. 

“Is she ok?” he said slightly concerned. He asked this every night and the answer was always the same. 

“She’s doing fine. She’s a baby she’s gonna cry at night.” I answered snuggling up to him and pulling him in by the waist. 

“But what if she has a fever? How will she tell us-”

“She’s fine Levi.” I interrupted. “Now sleep.” I kissed his nape and he took a deep breath, eventually drifting back off.

The next morning, I woke up to an empty bed as I always did. Of course all the toys that were on the ground last night were all cleaned up because of Levi’s obsession with keeping things tidy. I stretched a bit and walked back to Kuchel’s room to see her standing up in her crib, giving me a smile with her only two front teeth. 

“There’s my girl!” I said in a high pitched overly excited voice. She made incomprehensible happy noises in return and I tickled her a bit before finally lifting her up in my arms and blowing raspberries on her stomach. That was followed by little giggles. I changed her diaper and changed her into a cute strawberry onesie I bought the other day. I also styled her hair in two pigtails. Her hair was black and shiny just like Levi’s and even though she only had a couple of teeth, they had the same smile. Then, I carried her to the kitchen and set her down on her high chair which was thoroughly scrubbed down thanks to Levi. I proceeded with our regular routine and made myself some coffee while cutting up little fruits to feed her. After breakfast we did what we usually did. The usual stroll around the park, followed by nap time which was the time I took to work on some new music samples for this hip hop artist i’d been working with for the past few months. They were putting out an album pretty soon and it was highly anticipated by lots of people so the pressure was on. I would only work on weekends though but the pay was pretty good considering the label was well-known and successful. After that I would let her watch some shows for a few minutes while I made dinner and Levi would usually be back by then. 

“I’m home.” Levi sang as he entered the apartment. 

“Dada!” Kuchel cried. She was on the ground playing with blocks and reaching for Levi eagerly with a wild smile. She called Levi ‘dada’ and me ‘papa’ which was a fun little distinction we had. 

“Puppy!” he exclaimed, picking her off from the ground and planting tons of tiny kisses on her to which she of course giggled a bit. “There’s my wife!” he said jokingly, walking over to me and pulling me into a hug. I chuckled in response and gave him a quick kiss on the cheek. 

“Do you want tea?” I asked, setting the table.

“Sure.” He replied as he put Kuchel back next to her blocks.

“Mikasa and Annie RSVP'd for Kuchel’s party.” I continued. All of our friends still lived in New York. It’s already such a nice city with lots of opportunities in our line of work so why move? We had invited all of them and a few of our new friends we had met in university and work. And yes, I did end up going to university. 

“Were they the last ones?” he asked now making his way to the dinner table with Kuchel in his arms. 

“Yep. Everyone except Erwin can make it. Something about chasing the wave.” I said as I sat down in my chair. Levi scoffed. 

“Tch! He spends one week in Hawaii and is now spewing out a bunch of bullsh-” I gave him a death stare before he could continue. “I mean nonsense, about chasing a wave.” I hated it when he cussed in front of the baby. “I bet he doesn't even know how to surf, ow ow oww.” Kuchel was grabbing his hair and he was trying his best to gently get her to let go. I giggled a bit, enjoying the view. When he finally managed to get free, he placed her into her high seat and began making peek-a-boo faces at her to which she of course began laughing hysterically. She then began playing with her food and splashing it every way. It was messy but still cute.

“Ah ah ah. That’s not how big girls eat.” Levi said grabbing a paper towel and wiping around her mouth. He then began spoon feeding her and I couldn’t help but smile as I watched them.

“Kuchel learned a new word today.” I said now digging into my food.

“I missed another one?” He cried in disappointment. 

“Can you say ‘Apple’ liebling?” I said lightly tickling her cheek.

“Apooh'' she said. Followed by both of us clapping and cheering.

“Eren, I’m always missing things. I missed her first steps and her first word and her first time holding the windex.” he pouted. I touched his hand for reassurance. 

“I’m sorry Levi, but holding windex is not as big of an accomplishment as you think it is.” I laughed. 

“Well it is for me.” he huffed. Suddenly, Kuchel began crying and flailing her arms around. “What is it puppy?” Levi said in a concerned manner and quickly got out of his seat to pick her up. He began patting her on the back and gently bouncing in an effort to calm her down but it wasn’t working. She just kept crying. She was usually able to stop after a few minutes but she didn’t stop. “Eren why isn’t she stopping?” he said frantically. 

“Let me try.” I said reaching over for her. It was then I noticed how worried he was when I saw his face. He was always like this when she cried even after I had told him multiple times that it was normal. He hesitantly gave her over to me and I tried comforting her a bit. She immediately stopped crying and sucking her thumb as she usually did. He sighed in relief but looked a bit discouraged. 

“She always stops with you.” He said looking down at his food.

“That’s ok Levi it’s not a big deal.” He didn’t answer and just began cleaning up the table. “Levi.” I said sternly in an attempt to get his attention. He hummed but didn’t give a direct response. I should probably just give him some space. 

“I’m gonna go put her to bed then. Can you warm up her milk?” I said. Kuchel was still leaning her head on my shoulder and sucking her thumb.

“Is this still fresh?” He said smelling the milk he had just gotten out of the fridge.

“I just got it yesterday. Remember?”

“It smells funny. Maybe we should-“

“Levi. Breathe.” I interrupted. He then took a deep breath, poured the milk in her bottle and put it in the microwave. 

“I’m sorry. I’m just...I’m worried.” He said rubbing the back of his neck. 

“I know you are.” I walked toward him and he rested his head on my chest. I patted him lightly and he took in deep breaths. His anxiety was getting pretty bad when it came to her. But we were getting through it.

The next morning was Saturday, and it was also Kuchel’s birthday. I had of course taken the day off and Levi was up bright and early as he usually was. I intended to sleep in but was woken up by the sounds of pans clashing and electric mixers. When I walked into the kitchen, I found Levi frantically whisking away making huge stacks of pancakes, cutting up strawberries (her favourite) and a hot chocolate boiling on the stove. 

“Levi. It’s 6 in the morning.” I said grumpily. 

“It’s puppy’s birthday” he said, clearly stressed out. He had this look of determination in his slanted eyes. 

“You didn’t sleep last night. You were moving around. What’s going on?” I asked, rubbing my eyes. 

“I was going over the plans for the birthday party and-”

“She’s 11 months old Levi. She just learned how to walk.” 

“She’s 12 months today!”

“Who on earth is gonna finish these pancakes!?” I said slightly raising my voice gesturing to the metre stack he had completed. And he was still adding to it. 

“I'll eat whatever she doesn't finish!” he hissed. I slapped my hand against my face and sighed.

“Whatever. I’m going back to bed.” I said rubbing my eyes a bit more. 

“Breakfast is in 2 hours!” he yelled, continuing to whisk rapidly. I just groaned and lifted my hand slightly as I made my way back to my bed down the hallway.

Of course, 2 hours later I woke up to the feeling of sticky fingers touching my face and little baby noises. I smiled a bit as I breathed in. I opened my eyes to see Kuchel on top of me with a beautiful big smile on her little face. Levi was beside the bed, with a faint smile, watching.

“Happy birthday, liebling.” I said softly as her fingers played with my cheeks. 

“Bibelinng.” she attempted to repeat. 

“That’s right! Liebling!” I said in a high pitched voice, grabbing her hands and lifting her by them. She giggled her sweet giggle and Levi chuckled a bit. 

“Alright it's time for breakfast.” he said, clapping his hands. 

“Let her walk to the kitchen, she needs to practice.” I said setting her down on the ground. He was hesitant but he hovered over her the entire time and would have a freakout everytime she fell forward. But we eventually made it to the kitchen. As I expected, Levi had 3 stacks of pancakes, one stack for each of us I’m assuming. For someone as logically oriented as he was, this behaviour was really odd. How on earth did he expect a one year old to finish 27 pancakes? It was very amusing nonetheless. There was also a large bowl of cut up strawberries and three cups of hot chocolate. A large fancy omelet sat in the middle of the table with a bunch of spices and vegetables cooked inside. He was insane when it came to Kuchel, but he loved her so much. After breakfast, he got straight to work and got on the phone with the decorators. He seriously hired people to decorate the room of our apartment for our 1 year old daughter's birthday. I feared what he would do on her sixteenth. Or her eighteenth. While the decorators were doing their thing, I decided I would take both Levi and Kuchel out for a walk so he could have a break from this birthday madness and take a breather. It actually helped a bit. He was holding Kuchel’s hand and walking alongside her when she got out of her stroller. He smiled the entire time when they were at the park. But when we got home he ended up descending back into the madness and phoning caterers. Yes, the caterers. He was lucky we were well off financially. By the time we got back, the room was filled with sophisticated pink and white streamers as well as pink and white balloons and pink and white table decor. It looked really well put together and sophisticated. It was lovely, but he was really going above and beyond. When the caterers came, they brought a bunch of food that was so fancy I couldn't even name half of them. And I was overwhelmed with the amount of strawberry dishes. Strawberry rhubarb pie, strawberry galettes, strawberry flavoured mochi , chocolate covered strawberries, strawberry ice cream, strawberry frosting fountain (whatever that was) and a ginormous three level strawberry and vanilla cake with one big candle on the top that said: Happy Birthday Kuchel. He has officially lost it. I could tell by the way he was happily checking off boxes on his checklist.

The party eventually got going. My mother said her usual “I’m so proud of you Liebchen!” and “Levi, you look good as always” and “Kuchel, you’re getting so big!” while my dad spoiled her with little presents.

“Hippie! Little hippie!” said Jean while ruffling little hippie’s, I mean Kuchel’s raven hair. He messed up the pig tails I had worked so hard on this morning but she was laughing and happy to see Jean and Marco. They were still going strong after all these years but I swear they could be on a reality tv show with all the shit they get themselves into and all their fighting. They had learned how to control themselves in public finally but would still occasionally let some light PDA slip through the cracks. We were all used to it by now. Even the goddamn baby.

“I swear she gets cuter every time I see her Eren. And she looks just like Levi!” Marco said leaning down to Kuchel’s level, while she squeezed my pants.

“Kuchel what do we say, liebling? Marco said you were cute.” I said looking down at her with a smile. 

“Tank ou” she said with her thumb in her mouth. 

“Good girl.” I said softly while tapping on her on the back.

“KUCHEL!” Mikasa cried happily from the other side of the room with her arms wide open. She was still in her police uniform. Apparently it was tight down at the department so she had to pull a few strings and didn’t have time to change. Mikasa had of course become one of New York’s top detectives. It suited her well since she was both a genius and incredibly athletic. Kuchel then ran to Mikasa but fell on her face as she stumbled. Of course that was followed by Levi immediately swooping in, making sure she wasn’t hurt and kissing her on the forehead. He then carried her over to Mikasa so she could say hi. Connie and Sasha were beside her. Sasha ran a bakery so she got mad at Levi for not asking her to bake the cake. She baked one anyways. Connie was her business partner and did most of the taxes and advertising as well as budgeting. By the way, my hunch about them being good friends who confused their feelings for romantic ones was totally right. Sasha ended up getting married to Nicolo and he came up with most of the recipes they had, which I thought was nice. Sometimes we would all still get together with Armin to play a few songs. Speaking of Armin, he was here with his new girlfriend he met back in London, and as far as I could tell, they seemed to be doing pretty well. I’m pretty sure Armin took up a job as a university professor just like Levi. Except Levi taught art and Armin taught physics. Both of them had managed to accomplish quite a bit for their age. Annie showed up a little later but that’s because she was held back on the set of the newest short film she was working on (her and Mikasa are roomates **wink wink**). As for Furlan and Isabel, they both decided to be social workers. They said that they wanted to help kids like them find good homes because of the abuse they endured during their childhood. Everyone was still here, and it was absolutely perfect. It was actually a bit surprising how many highschool sweethearts there were in this room.

“There’s my little bro!” Zeke yelled throughout the room. He was back in town for the week coincidentally and said he would stop by the party after a business meeting. I pulled away from Levi, who’s waist I previously had my arm wrapped around and hugged Zeke firmly. I could basically feel Levi rolling his eyes behind me. We frequently FaceTimed so we were all caught up, but it was still good to see him. Him and dad were all good now too so things wouldn’t be awkward. “Good to see you again midget.” 

“Fur ball.” he scoffed. Levi called him that because 10 years ago, when I introduced them to each other after me and Levi got back together, Zeke did a dumb challenge to see how long he could grow his beard and Levi thought it was gross because he kept getting food in it. Levi and Zeke’s relationship was...complicated. They got into an intense argument over something that was so silly I can’t even remember. When my parents weren’t home and the argument was at its peak, Levi body slammed him on the ground with some move he learned from a martial art and Zeke got scared that so much power could come out of someone so much smaller and younger than him.

“Did you somehow shrink since the last time I saw you?” Zeke said with a smirk.

“Tch! I can still kick your old ass, you know that?”

“Oh come on, aren’t you like 43?”

“Im 28!” he yelled. And Zeke held his hands over his head, backing up in fear of how Levi would react due to his provocation. 

“Levi, he’s just messing with you, look there's a mess over there.” I said pointing over at a spill on the other end of the room. He quickly got distracted and rushed over to go clean it up. “Can you stop? He’s already stressed out enough as it is lately and you're not making it any better. I’m worried about his blood pressure.” I said seriously to my brother.

“Alright alright I get it, but I thought we were just having a bit of fun.” he replied. “Your kid’s getting big. She’s gonna be strong and smart when she grows up. She takes after me.” he said proudly, looking over at Annie and Mikasa playing with her. 

“Like I said last time Zeke, she’s Levi’s.” I corrected him.

“Well when’s yours coming in then? We need to continue the Jaeger bloodline.” he said in a joking manner.

“I’m fine with just her for now. We said that if we ever decided to have another one, it’d be mine. But honestly, I think Levi’s a bit overwhelmed with just one for starters.” I whispered to him and we exchanged a laugh as we brought our attention to Levi continuing to check off boxes on his checklist.

Suddenly, Kuchel started crying out of nowhere. Annie was holding her at the time and was pretty awkward with babies so she didn’t look too comfortable. 

“Someone take the bedwetter over here, I’m dying.” She said holding her out. 

“Give her to me.” Levi said slightly agitated, rushing over to her and taking her out of Annie’s arms. He shushed her and bounced a bit trying his best to get her to calm down, but even after several minutes, she just kept crying. I could see him getting increasingly frustrated. So I decided to step in. 

“Here Levi let me-”

“No! You always get her to stop, I need to for once!” He said slightly backing up. I could tell that the noisy crowd and the sounds of the baby crying were starting to get to him. So he ran out into the hall, with the baby still in his arms, to her bedroom, and closed the door behind him.

“Is he ok?” asked Annie while taking a bite out of one of the chocolate covered strawberries. Mikasa slapped it out of her hand. 

“Annie, your diabetic. You can’t eat that.” She said sternly.

“I think I need to go talk to him.” I said as I excused myself from the scene, slightly pushing my way through the crowd of people in the living room. I walked down the hallway and stopped at the door to listen. Kuchel was still crying and Levi was trying his best to get her to stop. 

“Please puppy, calm down. I know you’re not hungry because you just ate so what is it? Do you have a tummy ache? Do you want water? Are you tired?” He continued. His voice was slowly starting to break and I could tell he was starting to cry too. “Please just tell daddy what’s wrong.” he continued. I couldn’t stand to hear it anymore. I walked in the room and closed the door behind me. It was dark and Levi was curled up with Kuchel on the floor, both of them crying. He looked up at me and defeatedly handed her over. I took her and swayed with her a couple seconds before she finally stopped crying, causing him to sob even more. But he made sure to do it quietly so no one would hear. I then placed her in her crib. She was tired anyways so she just sat there, sucking her thumb and holding onto her favourite stuffed animal making little coo noises. After I saw that she was happy in her crib, I tickled her cheek once more and then I sunk down to Levi. I held him in my arms while he curled up against me. I began gently stroking his back and his hair, resting my chin on his head.

“Talk to me baby.” I said softly. 

“I feel like I’m never there for her. I’m no better than whoever my father was.” he continued sobbing into my chest. “I’m always working and missing important things and I’m screwing up oh god Eren I’m screwing up so bad I-”

“Shhh shhh shhh.” I hushed. “How could you say that? You took 3 hours just to make her breakfast this morning. You hired professional decorators and caterers for her birthday party. You always rush to her whenever she falls or she cries. You spend the entire day with her on your days off and you always try and find new ways to make her smile. How could you ever think you’re screwing up? How could you ever compare yourself to someone you didn’t even know? She couldn’t ask for a better father. ”

“She hates me! She doesn't trust me as much as she trusts you and she prefers you so much more because I’m never around! She never stops crying with me and it seems like everytime I try to help I only make it worse!” he cried. 

“Levi, Levi, Levi. You have no idea how much she adores you. Whenever you come home, her face lights right up and she runs right to you. Have you also noticed that she doesn't make a fuss when you feed her? I always end up getting smashed peas in my hair whenever I try. She loves you so much Levi.” He paused for a minute, his crying diluted.

“She really makes a fuss when you feed her?” He sniffled a bit.

“Yes! You have no idea how many splotches of food I have cleaned up from off the counter and cabinets!” I laughed a bit and so did he. “And if you want to take some time off of work to spend more time with her, I’m fine working full time at the studio for a while.” I added. 

“Are you sure?” he asked.

“Of course.” He then took a deep breath and fully melted into my touch. 

I guess no matter which one of us is having a mental breakdown, somethings really never change. Everything I had been through over the past 15 years, starting from when I was 13 and it all went to shit, all the way to right now, where I comfort the one I hold dearest to my heart in my arms, was nothing more than part of the ever expanding past and the collection of bygone events, or as levi liked to call it in latin “praeteritum.” Things didn’t turn out the way I expected. I thought I’d stay with Armin forever, but we were strangers now more than ever, and that was alright. I thought I wouldn’t go to university, but turns out playing well at competitions gets you scholarships to study music, and I was alright with that. I can’t take back any of the shit that happened, and I can’t reach into praeterita and change the events that decided all the hardship I would go through as a teenager, but I wouldn’t even if I could. Because I probably wouldn’t have moved if it weren’t for that event. I wouldn’t have met any of the people I still called my best friends even now. Most importantly, if things never happened the way they did, I wouldn’t have met Levi. I had, I guess you could say that after a long, dreadful slumber, finally turned off that goddamn alarm clock, and woken up.


	39. Authors Note

I'd like to thank whoever made it this far. I've put a lot of energy into this fic. It means a lot to me because I started it when i was in a dark place and something about finishing it and coming out of that dark place at the same time really puts the icing on the cake. This was unfortunately taken off of wattpad which sucks because I was starting to get reads but I thank you if you've followed me this far. Anyways, if this gets 1000 hits (which I doubt it will) I'll be working on some of my favourite canon ships like Eruri or Eremin, so maybe stay tuned for that if you're interested. If I ever make another Ereri fic, I hope I'll be able to share it with you guys. I'm happy I was able to share this with the few who have read. Do make sure to leave a comment if you've liked it. I want to hear what you guys thought about it :D Thank you again from the bottom of my heart: -The author of this book <3


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